And so began a lifetime battle against the insidious eating disorder: Bulimia.
I spent all of my teenage and most of my adult years obsessing about my weight and torturing myself.
I stopped growing at the towering height of 5'3 & 3/4" and am fairly big boned for someone of my height. According the evil height and weight chart at 157 lbs I am roughly 27 lbs overweight.
Yeah, well, that chart has had me puking my guts up for years.
Not everyone is built the same.
I am not tall, lanky, skinny, slender. I do not have a tiny frame. I am big boned and years of athletics has given me a fantastic muscle base.
I have dieted, exercised, starved myself and body shamed myself for years because designers, the media, mean girls in high school and society in general have lead me to believe that a size 8 or (gasp) a 10 is much too large and that if I am not a size 2 or less then I am not worthy...of anything.
Guess what? They were wrong.
And so was I.
Jeremiah 1:5 says, ""Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
God created me and loves me as I am.
Why then, do I pressure myself to be something other than what I was meant to be?
Because I have been pressured by "societal norms" for so long that I have allowed them to dictate my worth. And most importantly, because I did not have the faith to trust in God's plan.
I could be a size 4 or 6 if I wanted to starve myself and live on protein bars but, quite honestly, I love food too much.
I have needlessly battled the same 15 pounds for the past two years. I can take it off but it slowly creeps back on until I get to where I am now.
So here I am.
At 157 lbs I can eat whatever I want and my blood pressure is 112/72.
I go to the gym a couple of times a week, run around with my twin three-year-old boys and can garden all day without feeling as if I am going to keel over.
My body is where it wants to be.
I'm done torturing the beautiful creature that the Lord saw fit to bring into this world. I will no longer treat myself as a lesser person because my weight doesn't fall into the right block on that stupid chart. My worth is no longer going to be dictated by a number on the inside of my jeans or the number on the scale.
God loves me, my husband loves me and my children love me.
I am choosing to trust God.
The body shaming ends now!