Because I Stayed

February 9, 1990, I walked into a room full of people sat down, and did my best not to cry.

It was my first AA meeting.

I was terrified but I stayed.

During the break I cried in the ladies room.

A lovely woman named Carol, stayed with me in the ladies room, talked me in off the ledge and promised to meet me at another meeting.

That was the day that changed the trajectory of my life.

Rather to succumbing to the horror that alcoholism has to offer, I put my faith in a room full of drunks and a power greater than myself that I truly did not understand.

All I knew was that I never again wanted to feel the way that I did that night.

I never wanted to spend another night with my face in a toilet.

I never wanted to spend another day having my friends recount my idiotic actions because I had drunk myself into a blackout.

These past three (plus) decades have not been without a desire to drink. I have had that many times...I just haven't given in.

Most days are really easy. I don't live a life that revolves around partying like I did back in the day, so not drinking is pretty easy. In fact, I rarely even think about it.

When things are rough and tough, when I have to fight for my life, when I am fighting for someone else's life, when things are difficult my 'sobriety shield' is raised high. I am ready, I am on the lookout, I am constantly making sure that I am aware of my weaknesses and I am on guard.

But, when things are going well and life has settled into an easy pattern with no drama or hysterics, that's when I want to drink.

My mind will begin to fantasize about "a" glass of wine or "a" beer. Neither of which did I ever have just one of.

The "ism" of alcoholism is always waiting for me to slip up and pick up a drink.

The "ism" is a thief. It's a devious little POS that waits for my guard to be down so it can convince me that a drink would bad situation better and a good situation great. Lies!

I am constantly aware that my thoughts can slip which would cause me to slip and I have no doubt that is a fall I would not survive.

In the early days of my sobriety I pretty much lived in meetings.

I did 30 in thirty days and even after that hit 3-5 per week, went on speaking engagements or drove friends, who had lost their licenses, to meetings.

I love the fellowship and I the atmosphere. Most people there had a common goal: sobriety.

While I rarely attend meetings now the lessons of those early days have stuck. Not the least of which were steps 1, 2, & 3.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. 
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

In the early days I didn't have a clear understanding of God. All I knew was I was not the one who created the moon and stars. I was not responsible for the sun rising and setting every day and the things that I had tried to do on my own had gotten me to where I was.

I quickly found a sponsor who was able to see through my outer shell, talk to me in terms that I could grasp and summed up the first three steps in a much less wordy way:

1. I can't.
2. He can.
3. I think I'll let Him.

As long a I was giving up control I would be alright.

Early on I resented the crap out of the fact that I am an alcoholic. I didn't like the label. I hated not being able to drink! Thirty-four years later and I can still tell you which cabinet the Tequila was in the day I decided to call the AA hotline.

Ask a "normal" person where the Tequila was in their liquor cabinet 34 years ago and I bet they'd look at you as if you're insane!

Over time the first three steps morphed into a much greater understanding of the Serenity Prayer.

Some days I practice it much better than others. I am not perfect but I really do try. And the best part of being sober this long is that my kids have never seen me drunk. God willing, they never will.

To this day my favorite meetings are the Newcomer meetings where I can hear that it's still the same crapshow out there that it was 34 years ago. Nothing has changed except the people sitting at the bar.

I have never hidden my sobriety or the fact that I am an alcoholic. I always make time to help those in need or lend an ear to those whose loved ones are still actively drinking.

If you, or someone you love, are struggling with alcoholism, please know that there are people out there who want to help. 

Helping others, helps us. All you have to do is ask.

Serenity, Courage and Wisdom. 

May God bless you with all three.

God's Got This

I am blessed. Really, really blessed.  

I didn't just survive cancer, I have beaten it. 

"The biopsy was malignant." Are four words that stike fear in those of us who have received the call. 

Given my family's pathology, the call was no surprise but it was no less terrifying. In fact, my oncologist says that my family history makes her toes curl. 

Overnight I went from only knowing the difference between benign and malignant to a functional knowledge of ductal, invasive ductal and lobular cancers. 

The learning curve was severe but necessary. 

Knowledge really is key in the fight against cancer. 

I am not one to take things strictly at face value. I do my research, speak to others who have walked the path and find as much information as I can process. I prefer information and facts vs how I might feel about something. 

Probably why I despise the "talking heads" on TV. They play on emotion a little too much for me! 

Anyway...

The beast is beaten into remission. 

I have won!

However...

Far, far in the recesses of my brain there is a small molecule of doubt, worry, anxiety. 

All the "what if" questions live there. 

This is where my faith fights my battles. 

I can't quote scripture. I have a horrible memory for scripture, song lyrics or most other quotes...but I'm really good with jokes! 

And, I have faith. 

It's so hard to put into words. 

Dictionary.com defines Faith as: "complete trust or confidence in someone or something."

That someone or something is God.  

"God's got this" is what plays through my head and heart the most. 

According to the American Cancer Society, 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer and of those 1 in 39 will die. While deaths from breast cancer have decreased by 43% it's still going to take more than 43,000 women in the US each year. 

I don't know why I was spared but I have faith that God's got this. 

However, I still ask, "Why?"

Why was I chosen to live? Why me? 

I don't know if I am currently living God's plan or if I will be called into service in the future. Was my purpose to bring humor into the chemo center? Is it so that I can share my experience? 

I don't know. 

Many will say that it doesn't matter and that what matters is that I did beat it and can continue living but I believe that it's bigger than "just living." 

Millions of people will be diagnosed and many won't survive. 

In fact, last week I attended a celebration of life party with a man who was losing his battle with pancreatice cancer. I am so grateful for the opportunity to see him again and hug him one final time. 

But, while talking he looked at me and asked, "How long has it been for you?" 

I didn't realize what he was asking so I replied, "For what?"

He said, "Since you were diagnosed." 

I felt like I'd been hit in the face with a 2x4. 

I have never felt more horrible or more guilty than that very moment. 

There I was standing in front of a man whose life was most likely down to hours explaining that it's been two years since I was diagnosed. 

I wanted to crawl under a rock. 

Survivor guilt is real!

I'm still reeling from it and find myself asking again, "Why was I chosen to live? Why me?" 

Gary passed barely 24 hours after that party. I am grateful that he chose to spend time with the ones he loved and to see everyone one more time. His bravery in allowing people to see him during his last days was amazing. 

His impact will be felt for years as will his loss. 

I pray that my impact on those around me has been and will continue to be positive. 

I may never know why I was spared but I will continue to do my best to continue to share the knowledge I have gained in this process and trust that God's got this. 

Frayed Knot

There is no "one size fits all" for experiencing grief. 

The same goes for hearing the words, "you have cancer." 

While my level of acceptance was almost immediate, most people will not share my experience. 

With my family history, my breast cancer diagnosis did not come as a surprise but it was still difficult to deal with. 

Once the diagnosis is delivered life takes on a frantic pace with tests, doctor appointments, surgery, treatments etc. 

The learning curve is extremely steep and we often don't have time to really process what is going on. 

The physical side of the healing process is often the easiest. 

The mental and emotional side take time, lots of time. 

I admittedly have a relatively short fuse. I have a tendency to spout off then calm down and think things through but one thing that will really piss me off is keep me angry is hearing a fellow cancer survivor tell me that she has been criticized by "loved ones" (who did not battle cancer) that she's not nice enough to people around her. 

Excuse me but...

Fuck them! 

Until you have endured the surgery, chemo, sat through endless tests and faced the massive world of not knowing if you will live or die, you have NO right to criticize someone. 

Walk a mile in their shoes...etc. 

By now we all know about the stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, Acceptance.  But, it's not a straight line and can look like a frayed knot. 

Cancer patients enduring chemo can go through this with every infusion. 

It is literally a battle that leaves one exhausted, worn down, defeated, physically scarred and fighting for their life. 

The fight changes ones perspective. 

It doesn't end until it's completely over and the patient is declared cured. 

But...there will always be the tiny little morsel of "what if" in the back of the brain that will surface with every odd feeling. 

It never really ends we just do our best to put it behind us and move on. 

Once a person has fought for their life they see the world differently. 

Things that may have seemed important at one time carry less weight or no longer matter and things that may have brought us pleasure in the past can seem shallow now. 

Although anger is an early stage of grief it doesn't mean that it doesn't show up again. In fact, the anger or any of the other stages can surface when we least expect it. 

A mom listening to her kids argue over menial crap like the remote can snap at the kids because, well, who has possession of the remote doesn't matter in the big picture. 

Does this mean you need to walk on eggshells around the patient? No, it does not. However, don't expect your response to be their response. A little grace goes a long way. 

Two years ago I was nearing the end of my chemo treatments and had already undergone a plethora of tests and surgery. I am not the same person I was then. My outlook has changed. 

I have changed. 

Life has changed. 

I am blessed with friends and family who did not lecture me about how I was supposed to be speaking to them. They supported me through the worst time of my life without criticisms about being "nice enough" even when I wasn't. 

Healing takes time. 

I was allowed to feel what I needed to feel and come to terms with the new me. 

It wasn't easy for me and it wasn't easy for them but they did not make it worse with criticisms. 

The Signing

After the seizure I saw a neurologist who signed off on my paperwork stating that I was ok to drive. Did you know that if you have a seizure you have to have papers signed? Yeah, me either but I did and he did so all is good.

Mostly...

As I mentioned in my previous post, Wellbutrin can cause seizures. According to the FDA: "Bupropion is associated with seizures in approximately 0.4% (4/1,000) of patients treated at doses up to 450 mg/day. This incidence of seizures may exceed that of other marketed antidepressants by as much as 4-fold."

When I mentioned this to the doctor he got that glazed over look that I used to give people when they'd say, "You're from NJ do you know my cousin Richard?" Um....

Anyway, I went on to explain that Glaxosmithkline paid the government $3.4 billion for fraud and false promotion of Wellbutrin and about six other medications. The settlement was explained on July 2, 2012 in The New York Times: "In the largest settlement involving a pharmaceutical company, the British drugmaker GlaxoSmithKline agreed to plead guilty to criminal charges and pay $3 billion in fines for promoting its best-selling antidepressants for unapproved uses and failing to report safety data about a top diabetes drug, federal prosecutors announced Monday. The agreement also includes civil penalties for improper marketing of a half-dozen other drugs."

"If GSK (as they are now known) is willing to lie about it's uses are they willing to lie about their frequency of the side-effects?" I asked. The glazed look vanished and the doctor's eyebrows shot up to his scalp. Despite still wearing a mask it was obvious that I'd made him think.

He signed my papers :)

He did ask me to follow up with an EEG to make sure that everything was firing properly but that wouldn't happen for a few months. Guess it wasn't an emergency huh?! 

Stopping the Wellbutrin proved to be an depressing nightmare! My Seasonal Affective Disorder was pretty bad and I was suffering. I told my mom what was going on and she called her chiropractor

It's a non-invasive test that measures electrical activity in your brain.

The test lasts about an hour. It's in the dark with eyes closed...I fell asleep.

The tech and I were laughing about how often you get to go to a medical appointment and get to nap!

The worst part is the goo they use as a conductor between the electrode and the scalp. I couldn't wait to get home and wash my hair!

The results came back clear and confirmed that I do have a brain. 

This spring has been a whirlwind of activity in general.

Between bridal shows and open houses I have been crazy busy. The month of May has been torturously busy with the weekend of May 19, being the busiest ever. Three weddings, an open house, a birthday and a piano dedication.

I got it all done with lots of coffee and help from some friends!

Between the neurologist appointment and the EEG I also finished the tattoo.

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

It really did.

Not where my boobs used to be but down the center on my sternum. Holy heck was it painful.

I used some of the leftover lidocain cream that I had from my port to numb the area. It gave me a solid hour of relief while my the artist worked but at the end it was really, really tough!

I had the incredible opportunity to create a super cool cake for Cheval, who designed my tattoo. It was going to be the first time we were together since the tattoo was finished and I was so excited!

The bridal shop where we met installed a pop-up shoe shop and Cheval was going to be there for the launch.

The cake was a hit but her reaction to it was everything! 

She truly is the nicest person on the face of the earth.

I loved that I was able to show her the finished work and have her sign it! I will be adding it to the tattoo as soon as I can get in for an appoinment.

I had to miss my last appointment with my oncologist because I woke up feeling really nauseous. 

I'm really bummed too because it was supposed to be on Cinco de Mayo! I was all prepared. 

I see her the end of this month and need to come up with something fun. 

The boys' last day of school is six days away and I can't wait! Looking forward to swimming and daytime excursions with them. 

That's about all for now. 

Stay well my friends. 

. 

Adrenaline and an Ambulance Ride

I have never been one to pass up a challenge. 

Honestly, I am a bit of an adrenaline junky. 

Not in a freeride mountain bike sort of way but I'm not afraid of heights and I enjoy a good adrenaline rush. 

I was a competitive diver in high school and college and I have taken trapeze lessons, gone ziplining, jumped out of a plane and now have gone indoor skydiving. 

It was the shizz! 

Seriously! If you get the chance...GO! 

Can you get hurt? Sure but you can get hurt crossing a street or driving to work. I'd rather my end come when I'm doing something that makes me smile. 

I bought a package for the family for Christmas. 

My concentration for this year was on group stuff that we could do together. We got new board games, thing called the Shock-tato and two flights per person at iFly. 

Shock-tato and the board games are fun but the winner, hands down, was iFly. 

Each person got one minute of flight time, twice. 

We were in a group of 12 and when the first person finished they moved to the end of the line etc until you got back to the first person. 

It's not a cheap thing to do but was definitely worth every second. 

60 seconds doesn't sound like much but it's longer than you think when you are holding the skydiving position. 

There were hand signal commands because you can't talk in a wind tunnel with speeds of 70 mph+

The hand signals are really important! 

Learning the signals and knowing what to do when instructor gives them to you is the key to a successful flight. 

Following directions in general can be key to success. 

Thinking out of the box is good but not in life or death situations. 

More important than the rush that comes from flying is the shared experience with my guys. Glenn and I are not just sideline parents. We like to be involved and do as much as we can with the boys. 

This is one of those times I was more than happy to not be sitting on the sidelines. 

Sharing our windtunnel experiences together was fantastic and truly everything I had hoped for when I bought the tickets. 

We bought the special package to go back and do it again and none of us can wait! 

The boys are 10 now and the amount of time that they want to spend with us old folks is getting shorter and shorter. I am making a conscious effort to extend that as much as possible by encouraging family time. 

This was the reason for the theme for this past Christmas. 

We live in a society that puts stuff ahead of quality time and that's just not us. 

From cars to couches we buy as much used stuff as we can. Not only does it save a ton of money, but most of the stuff that others discard has plenty of life left in it and allows us to spend money on other things. 

Like indoor skydiving! 

My hope is that when the boys are grown and raising families of their own their concentration will be on creating their own memories not on the stuff that was under the tree on Christmas. 

While we are working on spending time together we are also not helicopter parents. It's never been our
thing to hover over our kids. Both hubby and I believe in the benefit of making mistakes and learning lessons. 

We also believe in independence. 

This paid off in droves when I was battling cancer. 

To this day the boys can get themselves up and ready for school. If I give them a list of chores they are pretty good about handling them. And, they don't look to us to be entertained. 

Maybe its a twin-mom thing. I never had the ability to just dote on one kid at a time. 

They did almost everythng at the same time: meals, naps, baths, etc. 

And, because I work with my hands from home, often just had each other to be entertained. 

This paid off again two weeks ago. 

Saturday morning at about 5:45 hubby was up making coffee when he heard a thump come from upstairs. 

He ran up to see what was going on and discovered me in a full seizure on the floor on my side of the bed. 

He called 911. 

I can't imagine how horrifying it must have been for him! 

The first thing I remember is being loaded into the back of the ambulance. 

After filling the boys in on what was going on, they went back to bed and hubby met the ambulance at the hospital. 

The good news is that all of the tests for serious things like a stroke or a brain tumor came back negative. 

The bad news is that they have no idea what caused it. 

Winter is a tough time for those of us who battle depression. I take a daily antidepressant but in the winter I take and extra one (thanks to daylight savings time) called Wellbutrin. 

They told me in the ER that Wellbutrin can cause seizures. 

I did a little reasearch and discovered that 4 out of every 1,000 people taking Wellbutrin will suffer seizures. I stopped taking it immediately. 

But, based on a study published in the the American Academy of Neurology patients who had Covid-19 were 55% more likely to develop epilepsy or seizures in the six months following Covid infection vs patients who had influenza. 

Well, I had Covid the week before Thanksgiving 2022. That was only two months ago. 

I was told to make a follow up appointment with a neurologist...I did. The earliest I can get in is March. 

Hurry up and wait. 

In the meantime I will follow up with my general practitioner and pray that this was one and done...forever. 

Just Be Quiet!

I recently heard a story about a woman who told a co-worker that she'd been diagnosed with breast cancer. The co-worker responded with, "Wow my friend's mom died from breast cancer."

OMG!!!! 

Really?! 

There are so many things that you can say to a woman when she tells you that she's been diagnosed with breast cancer. 

Immediately responding with a death comment is NOT one of them. 

Other things that one should refrain from saying are, "They're just boobs. Since your kids are grown you don't even need them anymore. You'll get a free boob job. Now you can have the boobs you've always wanted. You should...whatever" Save the advice for when you are asked. 

Times like that silence truly is a virtue. 

What should you say?

How about: 

• I'm so sorry.
• What is your treatment plan?
• I'd like to arrange a meal train after your surgery
• I can help you with childcare
• Are you all set for transportation?
• If you ever just want to vent I'm here for you. 
• I have a friend who just went through this can I connect you? 

Although breast cancer patients may have identical diagnoses, patients react differently to the treatments and one size does not fit all. Many of the emotions a patient experiences can be very similar but others can be polar opposites. Experiences may be similar but no two are identical. The most a patient can hope for is to find a kindred spirit who feels what they feel. 

Speaking to someone who has "been there, done that" can be helpful for a couple of reasons: 

• Speaking to a survivor breeds hope
• Only another patient can truly understand what the person is experiencing physically and mentally
• Having walked the path before them can offer advice that comes from first-hand experience
• Often a patient doesn't have to describe what they feel the other person knows and can often verbalize what the "newbie" has yet to flesh out. 

Have you ever met someone who went through a similar experience to whatever you were going through at the moment and they say something that describes the thoughts that have been swirling through your brain but haven't yet been able to verbalize? 

It feels like they could read your mind and put your thoughts into words. 

It's a miraculous moment. 

Connection at a time when life feels like its unraveling is vital because it's grounding. 

Being told that you have cancer is horrific. Because of my family history with it I was not shocked but that does not mean that it wasn't terrifying. Being able to speak to someone that has already walked the path is comforting. 

It's the reason that 12 Step programs like AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) work so well. 

The flellowship of AA is just as important as the actual steps. Being with others who know exactly what you are going through is life altering. Not having to constantly fish for words that descibe feelings takes a weight of one's shoulders and allows the person to "just be." 

I belong to a group on facebook for breast cancer patients. These women were lifesaving in the early days of my diagnosis and treatment. There is so much to learn and understand overnight. I didn't have to give background, I could just pop on, post a question or say how I was feeling and BAM immediately they would begin responding. They knew exactly how I felt.

To this day, I can't put into words the level of comfort that it would give me.

I didn't have to explain anything, listen to horrifying stories of dead loved ones or respond to insensitive comments. 

If you don't know what to say, then just say so! 

Don't try to come up with something cute or offer advice on traveling a path you have never walked. It just makes you look like a know it all and, frequently, stupid! 

Mark Twain put it best, "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to talk and remove all doubt." 

When in doubt, say nothing. 

Rewrite The Scars

My friend is a girl you might know. 

At one time in her life she was a world renowned wedding dress designer who was featured on Say Yes To The Dress.

I was invited to provide a cake for a "Meet the Designer Trunk Show" at a bridal salon in Delaware. 

That's how we met. 

She looked at the cake I'd created for the event and said she felt like she could create a dress based on the cake. 

I wanted to jump out of my skin with excitement. 

I was so nervous and she was so gracious.  

I was immediately taken by her genuine authenticity. 

Seriously, she may be one of the nicest people on the face of the earth. 

After that event we stayed in touch and I did another event with her the following year. 

A little back story here: Nearly 15 years ago this amazing woman signed a contract with a wedding dress design house that gave her her own named dress line! 

It was a dream come true for any designer. 

Because she is a glass half-full type of person, was so excited and flattered that it never crossed her mind that someone would do something that would cause her harm and did not have a lawyer review the contract before she signing.

When she asked questions, they said she could renegotiate any potential issues. 

Well, that turned out to not be true. 

Not only did they not allow her to renegotiate the contract but they stopped paying her, took her social media accounts, any sketches of any type of dresses and they took her name. 

Yes, you read that correctly, she is no longer allowed to use her birth name. 

Evidently it was written into the contract that she signed. Yes, she signed it but, in my opinion, there is a special place in hell for businesses and owners who operate so unethically. They knew what they were doing when they put that in there in the first place! 

Anyway, fast forward a few years, many thousands of dollars and many court battles later...She still cannot use her name, she is barred from working in the wedding industry for five years because of the non-compete clause but she did get her pictures back from her social media accounts. 

And... she has a new name. 

She is Cheval. 

She is powerful, strong, kind, loving, sweet, wonderful, smart, funny and a genuinely good person. 

She is also now a shoe designer! 

I know, right?! 

Her shoes are amazing! Not only are they beautiful but I wore a pair, right out of the box, for her launch party and they were stupid comfortable! 

Once I decided to forego reconstruction after my  double mastectomy I made the decision to get a tattoo. 

She is Cheval

I reached out to Cheval to see if she'd be interested in designing it for me. The only thing I told her was that  it had to have a pink ribbon in it and I wanted florals.

She did the rest. 

The design is amazing! It needed a very minor amount of tweaking to make it perfect. I was so excited when I got the first drawing that booked the appointment months ago. 

Today I had my first sitting. 

Some parts hurt like a mother f$cker and some I didn't even feel. 

When they cut off the boobs I lost a lot of sensation in those areas of my chest but the center was crazy painful. 

Getting the color done will hurt too but..

It's already worth it. 

Once my tattoo artist, Aly was finished and I looked in the mirror I almost cried. 

For almost a year and a half all I've seen was scars. 

Today I saw beauty. 

A beautiful design created by one of the most beautiful and resilient poeple I have met in my life. 

I am blessed to call her friend and honored to wear her art. 

                                                You can follow She is Cheval on Instagram 

What's Your Worth

You are not your hair, your ass, your boobs or any other physical trait. It's something that we all need to take to heart and please...don't raise your daughters to believe that their looks are more important than their character.   

A person's self-worth is not determined by their looks. 

If you have defined yourself by your boobs and your hair, get breast cancer and lose both, you will have no self left. 

Not only that but we are so much more than our looks! 

Do you know who you are? What you stand for? What matters most to you? What you are willing to walk through fire for? 

Seriously, cancer treatment is difficult enough without having to redefine who you are in the middle of it. 

Personally, my boobs were too small to be a defining factor and honestly, my hair always irritated me. 

For me, losing both was not a hardship. 

Unlike most other female cancer patients I have met, I liked being bald...especially in the summer. 

Hair is hot. 

I've suffered from hot flashes for seven years and not having hair was such a blessing. It's been a year since my last chemo so it's grown in but I'm still dealing with the chemo curl (feels like standard poodle hair) and once again, I'm sweating. 

But I digress...

Let's talk about self-worth. 

Self-worth and self-esteem are not the same thing. 

According to the University of North Carolina Wilmington "Self-worth is the internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging from others. Self-worth is often confused with self-esteem, which relies on external factors such as successes and achievements to define worth and can often be inconsistent leading to someone struggling with feeling worthy."

If you want people's take-away to be, "she has a great rack" you are concentrating on the external factors and headed for trouble. 

Unless you have money like Dolly Parton and can get nipped and tucked whenever you feel like, time and gravity are your enemy. 

If you are judging yourself based on your looks your esteem's days are numbered.  

How many times have you heard things like, "Looks can be deceiving"? Just because something looks good doesn't mean that it is. 

Pretty does not always equal good. 

We've all known the person who thinks they are better than everyone because they look better. All of my high school years come to mind. Often the "mean girls" are beautiful but treat others as if they are lesser beings because they aren't as physically attractive. 

Well ladies, just wait until that 30 year reunion! 

A person with a well defined self-worth will not tolerate being treated poorly by others nor with they have to knock others down to elevate themselves. 

Someone with low self-esteem will make poor relationship choices, sabatoge relationships and settle for a bad relationship as a trade for financial security. 

Does this mean that you should never tell your daughters they are pretty? No! 

https://www.psychologytools.com/self-help/low-self-esteem/

Should you emphasize brains and accomplishments over looks? Absolutely! 

According to Cancer.gov 12.9% of the women born in the US will develop breast cancer. 

The number one risk factor for developing breast cancer is... Being Female! 

Yup! You read that right. 

Being a woman is the greastest risk factor of developing breast cancer. In fact, 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer. 

Think about eight women closest to you...have any had breast cancer? 

Less than 5% of the women who develop breast cancer are linked to genetic mutations all the rest are environmental. 

From 2004 to 2018 breast cancer rose .3% which means that 502,500 more women were diagnosed than in the decade before that. 

Could be that early detection is better but...so much of what is allowed in food, cleaning products and even the water supply is also linked to cancers. 

According to a study published in the National Library of Medicine, "The Surveillance, Epidemiology, and End Results (SEER) Program of the National Cancer Institute (NCI) regularly publishes lifetime risks of being diagnosed with each type of cancer.2 According to these estimates, the lifetime risk of all invasive cancers in the USA is 42.05% and 37.58% for men and women, respectively."

Those are some pretty scary numbers! 

While not all cancers cause external physical changes, many of the treatments do...especially in the case of breast cancers. 

Defining who you are by your physical traits is already a slippery slope to begin with but ladies, with a 37.58% chance of getting a cancer and eduring a treatment that includes chemo, women who have been raised to believe that their worth equals their looks are subject to even greater psychological damage. 

The emotional and mental battle that comes with battling cancer is already hard, let's not make it worse by raising daughters who have a badly defined sense of self to begin with!

Not A Dream

If I didn't have the scars to prove that I had breast cancer, I'd think the last year of my life was just a bad dream.  

I know that I had cancer. I know that I had a double mastectomy. I know that I endured chemo and a year of Herceptin infusions.

But now that it's over, it feels like it was just a long, strange, bad dream.  

For more than a year cancer consumed my life. 

And now it doesn't...at all. 

From the day I found the lump to the day I got my port out, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about it or have to plan for my next appointment/treatment/surgery...whatever. 

It was all-consuming. 

I went from "knowing" the term breast cancer to having a working knowledge of the types of cancers, grades and stages. 

The learning curve was steep but necessary. 

I didn't just need to know that I had cancer, I needed to understand the treatment and the reasoning behind the procedures. I trusted my doctors but needed to verify what they were doing as well. 

The time between diagnosis and surgery felt like an eternity. 

In actuality it was approximately six weeks. 

Time felt like it was dragging. The nagging fear that the cancer would rear up and consume my entire body while I bounced from appointment to appointment was real and terrifying. 

In the blink of an eye life turned into a nightmare. 

Think about it, I had showered, dried off and was applying moisturizer when I found a lump. I immediately called the doctor and began a whirlwind of appointments. 

After the diagnosis life became a blur of tests, scans and consultations. 

Once they confirmed that it was cancer I was ready to have them cut my boobs off the next day. Hearing that there is something growing in your body that wants to kill you is terrifying. 

Not only did I want the cancer out of my body but I have a family, a life that was going on around me and a business to run. I needed to get treatment overwith so I could move on. 

But, cancer is really inconvenient. 

My focus went from family and business to diagnosis, testing and treatment and recovery. 

For 12 consecutive weeks, I underwent chemo and 48 hours later (once the steroids wore off) I would spend a couple of days in bed. After that I would be good for a few days and then we'd repeat the process. 

Lather, rinse, repeat. 

There is a lot that went on around me as I endured treatment after treatment. Most of which I don't remember because the chemo disrupted my brain. But, I do know that so many people jumped in to lend a hand. 

I will be grateful to those people forever. 

Cancer treatment is hard. It's exhausting and sickeness inducing but, if caught early enough, can also be life-saving. 

Early intervention is key. 

If you are reading this thinking, "I really need to schedule that mammogram." Stop what you are doing and make the appointment. 

There is no excuse that will justify jeopardizing your life. 

Sometimes

Sometimes life is great and sometimes it sucks beyond words. 

This past year has been both. 

I've experienced the love and care of friends in ways that are indescribable. 

I've also experienced pain, suffering and loss. 

It's been a crazy rollercoaster! 

While being diagnosed with cancer was terrible, it did not come as a surprise. My family history of cancers is horrifying. 

The surgery itself wasn't bad but the drain bags were miserable. the one on the left wasn't horrible but the subcutaneous tube on the right sat on a rib and rolled back and forth when I moved. It hurt for two weeks after the drain was removed. 

Then there was the car...The Ford Escape that became the bane of our existence! Ford corp did help but they truly should have footed the bill for the whole thing. It was a collosal nightmare. 

And, don't forget that I hit a deer hours after I borrowed a friend's truck while the Ford was in the shop. 

Yeah...it was a year of memories all right. 

But, there was so much good. 

My openness about my experience led so many women to have their mammograms not the least of whom was my sister. 

Has she waited she would be dying today rather than being a cancer survivor. 

Her one and only mammogram found a lump. The biopsy confirmed her cancer and her life then switched to doctor appointments, consultations, chemo and reconstruction. 

I have mentioned my family cancer history in the past, I wasn't being dramatic. 

My family tree is one headstone after another of people who died of cancer. Fortunately, thanks to education and awareness, many of us have caught it early and are survivors rather than victims. My mom, sister and I are all cancer survivors but...we each had a different type of cancer and do not have any of the genetic markers for breast cancer. 

Soooooo.... Be very careful about what you eat and the water that you drink. 

Personally, I think it's only a matter of time until the scientists either find another DNA link or they discover the combination that causes the breast cancer. Genetic testing for BRCA 1&2 has only been around for 20 years. The strides in genetic testing since then are huge! 

Unfortunately, the biggest detector is the mammogram. 

Yes, it sucks. Yes, it hurts but death from something that could have been stopped early is so much worse. 

So, ladies...Tits up! Get in the damn machine...Just do it. 

Let's get back to the good shall we? 

What was good about last year? 

Hats! 

Normally I am not a hat wearer but, my friends started sending me these awesome hats for when I lost my hair and I started wearing them on chemo days. Then, I continued every three weeks for the Herceptin treatments. 

It took on a life of it's own. 

It became so much more than just a hat. 

I was giving people a temporary relief from their misery. 

And, let's be honest here, chemo is misery. Despite the good-natured humor and insanity that is Vanessa, there were days that I couldn't lift my head off my pillow. I would just sleep or lie in bed and cry. 

The love and compassion I received from friends and family was astounding. It helped me to push through the crap days and appreciate the good ones so much more. 

Not only was I able to make the other patients smile and laugh but the staff laughed at my antics. 

Let's talk about the staff.

From the doctors and nurses to the front office people the shear number of people in the oncologist office and infusion center is amazing. 

While there are many success stories like myself, there are so many others who are there for paliative care. Their days are numbered and they are receiving treatment as a means to delay the inevitable. 

Imagine being the person behind the glass that has to greet people or the doctor that has to tell them there is nothing more that they can do. Or the nurse who sits with them while they have their treatment. 

Their jobs are so very tough. 

Now imagine having the power to make each of those people smile because you put on a crazy hat or wore a silly costume. 

Imagine that you are the person who gives everyone the excited anticipation on "what will she do next?"

I got to be that person. 

It was an honor to be that person. 

My next appointment isn't for three months! Even though it's stopping for a good reason, it feels so strange to having something that has been such a huge part of my life for a year, just stop. 

I get to move on but I will miss the other patients and the staff that I've seen every three weeks for a year. 

Thank you to everyone at the Abramson Cancer Center  in West Chester. You not only saved my life but you did it with humility, humor, love and grace. 

I will forever be grateful for all of you.