Boob Fat & Incompetence

When I had the mastectomy this summer there was boob fat left behind and my scars had become wrinkly. 

The boob fat was the worst of it. 

I don't mind being flat. Really, I truly don't care, but I was very self-conscious of the way my chest looked with those odd horizontal bumps. 

So, last week I had surgery scheduled to remove the last of the boob fat and smooth out the scars. 

The incisions on my chest don't hurt at all. I lost those nerves when they cut off the boobs but the plastic surgeon had to make incisions below my armpits to tighten the area and those do hurt!

It's nothing some Acetaminophen can't handle, but it is annoying. 

Prepping for the surgery was well, interesting. It was the usual nothing to eat aftermidnight but, I had to have a pre-surgery covid test. 

I booked an appointment online with CVS. 

Monday afternoon I arrived at the CVS drive thru window where they had a sign that said, "If you are here for a Covid test, please wear a mask." 

Oh good, so if I was there for, oh I don't know...a script for smallpox I didn't need a mask. Whew! 

Anyway...

I didn't have a mask with me because I never planned to leave the car. Per the instructions on my appointment confirmation I rolled up to the window with my ID and Health Insurance Card out. The girl at the window, who was still wearing the same dirty gloves that she'd been touching money with asked if I was there for a test. I replied yes, she freaked out screamed, "DO YOU HAVE A MASK?!" I explained that I did not and that I was only there because I was having surgery. She paused half a beat and asked if she could give me a mask. All while using her dirty gloves to reposition her own mask. 

I replied yes and she headed across the pharmacy to fine one. By the time she returned she'd touched her mask, with the same gross gloves, no less than six times. Using the same disgusting gloves she handed me a mask, which I put on but left at my chin (she never noticed) while I listened to her directions on how to stuff a q-tip up my nose. 

I completed the test, packed it in the bag she gave me and put it in the box that everyone else had touched. 

Yeah, that part made my skin crawl. You can bet I was using the hand sanitizer before rolling away. 

The next day I received a text from CVS saying they couldn't complete my test and gave me an 800# to call. 

I called and the woman who answered the call told me the same thing the text said followed by, you'll have to make a new appointment. 

When I asked why the test couldn't be done she replied, "I don't know."

Wait, what? 

"I got a text that said the test couldn't be completed and to call this number. If you can't tell me why and I need to go online to make another appointment, what the hell was the point of the text? Why did it say to call you? What EXACTLY was the point of this phone call?!" 

She took so long to reply that I thought she'd hung up. 

She checked my chart and there were no notes. 

I thanked her form wasting my time and hung up.

Later that night I got a voicemail from CVS stating that there had been a labeling issue. Ok, someone in the lab screwed up. I make mistakes too. I get it. At least now I had a reason. 

The following day I got a call from the Hospital saying that I needed to come in for a pre-surgery Covid test. (They'd previously told me that I had to take care of it myself, hence the CVS appointment.) So, I booked the appointment for the following morning. 

Wednesday morning I hopped in the 22 year old chevy that I'm still driving because the four year old Ford still is not running and drove to the hospital for yet another q-tip up the nose. 

On the way home CVS called again to tell me that there was not enough sample on the swab to test for covid and that I needed to make a new appointment. 

Oh for heaven's sake?! 

Does anyone know what they are doing? 

I swear if I was giving out medals for incompetence, between a pharmacy technician who has zero knowledge of cross-contamination and people who evidently don't know the difference between a label and a q-tip, CVS would win! 

By the way, I was negative and surgery went really well. 

 The past two weeks have tried my patience beyond all other experiences this year. 

Between the medical bills and the car situation it's a wonder that I haven't pulled out what little hair I have! 

Last week alone I spent seven hours on the phone dealing with the medical crap plus another three dealing with the vehicle situation. 

I had no idea that I had a spare 10 hours in the week. 

Who knew?! 

I have also cried more in the past two weeks than I did through my whole cancer diagnosis and treatment. 

When I am frustrated beyond words I cry then shut down from depression as the walls close in. They closed in hard and fast and I was despondent. 

Well, until I hit that stupid deer. 

Anyway...

After receiving the quote from the dealership that was astronomically high, I called some independent transmission shops and got quotes. The best was with a guy who has rebuilt 15 of the same transmissions this year. His price was $3,800 worst case scenario including parts. This was nearly $2K less than the dealership quoted us. Even if the Ford corporation paid for parts, our out of pocket expense was going to be more than the whole fix with an independent. 

I called the dealership to tell them that the vehicle was going to be towed out and see if we owed them anything. 

In true dealership fashion, I was told that they service manager had to speak to his boss but he wanted to see if he could match the price. 

He called me the next morning and, after confirming the independent shop was going to use Ford parts, asked if they could do the job if they matched the price. I told them yes, as long as they would guarantee that it wouldn't cost more than $3,800. 

They said yes. 

I'd won...sort of. 

Since the Ford garage is going to do the job there is still a chance that the coporation will pay for part of the repairs and our out of pocket expense will go down. We'll see. 

I freaking hate this BS. 

I've had a LOT of jobs in my lifetime. Not the least of which was working in the service department in  dealerships. 

I know the game. I play the game well. I hate the game. 

And, I despise feeling as if I was being screwed. 

We were definitely getting screwed. 

When I called my hubby to tell him what had transpired he thanked me and told me I was amazing. He doesn't have the temperament to deal with stuff like this. We each have our strengths. This is totally one of  mine. 

I hate having to do it but am grateful for the experience that gives me the know-how to get it done. 

It'll all work out, let's face it, it always does but man this has sucked. 

Medically, I have no knews on the copay situation. I will definitely keep you posted on that though. 

Good Luck Or Bad Luck?

The car was towed to the dealership on Monday. They have confirmed that the torque converter is what failed.  Ford Corporation has a call into the service manager to get a quote and will call me back with an "offer." 

Praying that it's reasonable. 

Now, on to the medical, I was wrong when I posted that we had a family deductible of $8,150. 

It's so much worse! 

My out of pocket individual amount is $8,150. The family deductible is $16,300. 

So much more affordable Than the old $500 deductibles right?! 

We are not even halfway to fullfilling the family deductible and I still haven't met the individual. The policy rolls over on December 1 and we start over. 

I spoke with the social worker at my Oncologist's office and she is submitting my name for every grant for which I am eligible. I also spoke to the Patient Financial Advocate who is submitting me for a copay assistance program through the makers of Kanjinti which is the generic form of Herceptin. I've been receiving it all along but everyone still calls it Herceptin. If I am approved for the copay program my bill to Penn Medicine could go away or at least be cut in half and my future copays for the rest of the treatments until June 2022 could be covered as well. 

We still have other outstanding medical expenses for CT scans, a bone scan, echocardiogram etc. but if we can get the other stuff covered we will be much better off. 

But wait there's more! 

Additionally, someone annonymously paid for David's gymnastics tuition for December and another has covered his fees for his first meet. Someone else has sent money that we can use for the rest of the medical bills that won't be covered by the grant or copay assistance program. And, another friend is bringing us dinner this weekend! 

The light at the end of the tunnel is bright thanks to the generosity of so many people. I look forward to the day that we are in a position to help others the way we have been helped. 

The deer situation still has us shaking our heads in disbelief. 

While I am still suffering a bit of an emotional hangover from everything we have endured for the past week and a half, my sense of humor has been fully restored. 

One of the things I'm still laughing about happened while I was talking with the police on Wednesday night. 

After I had put in the call to 911, I called the parents of the boy we were driving home. His mom didn't
answer so I called his dad and explained what happened. A short time later, as the police officer was explaining the report, the mom called back. 

I looked at the phone and said, "Hey it's your mom, can you answer, tell her what happened an that we're ok?"

I turned back to the officer and tried to pay attention to what he was saying but was distracted by the following conversation on our end of the phone: 

"Hello?"

"No, it's Lukas."

"Yes, but she's talking to the police." 

"Oh my gosh, give me the phone!!!!" I screamed. 

The officer stood at the driver's door laughing while I calmed the mom on the phone. 

Kid's!

I have become poster child for the saying, "If it weren't for back luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all." 

An expression I used to hate but get it now, because I am living it. 

I only pray that my string of bad luck has come to an end. 

Oh Deer!

I spent the day answering text messages (sorry if I didn't call anyone back), filling out cancer patient grant applications, another ridiculously long call with BCBS and attempting to get some work accomplished. 

My brain is all over the place and it's hard to concentrate.

To be honest, I wasn't going to publish that post from yesterday because it was so heavy but I changed my mind and put it out there. 

I am so glad that I did. 

So many of you have shared your own personal stories, while others offered financial assistance. Everyone's words of encouragement and reference to scripture have lifted me up. 

I am so grateful for you all. 

One friend even let us borrow his truck for as long as we need! It's a 1999 Chevy 1500 pick up with about a million miles on it but it is reliable. 

He told us not to wash it because the rust is holding it together and one of the buttons on the radio fell off and is in the cab of the truck so I'm not allowed to clean it for fear I'll vacuum it up! 

How ironic is it that we're driving a 21 year old Chevy while our four year old Ford is in need of a transmission?

One the way to gymnastics to pick up David and his teammate tonight I got a call from Helen's Angels telling me that I was being awarded a $500 grant for cancer patients to help with medical costs! 

I cried happy tears. 

For the first time in days I was felt hopeful. 

Thirty minutes later, I hit a deer. 

Yup. 

Seriously. I can't make this up. 

I didn't kill it. 

I thought the police were going to have to put it down but, while I was on the phone with 911, it got up and limped into the woods. 

There I was on the side of the road, watching an 8-point buck leave the scene of the accident and I started to laugh. 

Like, really laugh. 

I'm a child of the 80s. Guess what movie scene popped into my head? 

Tom Hanks and Shelley Long in The Money Pit. Specifically, the bathtub scene. 

When the officer arrived he asked how I was. I replied, "Never better. How are you?" He laughed.

Astoudingly, the damage to the truck is minimal and no one inside the truck was harmed beyond the shock of running into a deer. 

I called the parents of the boy we carpool with, the guy who owns the truck and my hubby. 

Everyone was concerned for our safety but the hubby had the best reaction. "Are you f-ing kidding me?" I replied, "Right?! You just can't make this up." 

I told him that I had to get David's teammate home. He told me to be careful and once I'm home lock myself in and never go anywhere again. 

When I called my mom she had basically the same reaction I did. She laughed then we laughed together. 

I guess this year is just my crap year. 

Hopefully I will live a very, very long time and look back at this year and laugh.  

Tapped

Having to replace the HVAC system in your house would be a major event. 

Having to replace the engine in a four year old v2017 Ford Escape would be a major event. 

Having to replace the transmission in the same vehicle would be a major event. 

Being diagnosed with cancer and spending the next eight months in endless doctor appointments, chemo and preventative surgeries would be major and life altering. 

Welcome to our 2021. 

To describe this year as hell would be an understatement. 

It has been difficult beyond words. 

Any of those events could throw a person or family for a loop but pile on all four in seven months and I'm tapped. 

Please understand that I AM NOT SUICIDAL but I'd be lying if I said that the thought of, "I want to go to sleep and not have to wake up" hadn't crossed my mind.  

Especially this week. 

I've done everything I could possibly do this year to laugh. To find the weird or humorous in a bad situation. I've made the best of things that have no "best" beyond being alive. 

I can't find the humor in this. There is no weird, funny, strange etc. 

I'm on a roller coaster of depression and anger. 

I'm either crying or seriously pissed off and deperately trying not to scream at everyone around me. 

People ask me how I am and I can't smile. 

My face reads like a book. I can't hide my feelings.

I've cried more this past week than I did the whole time I was going through the cancer treatment.

Aaaaaaaand... now the medical bills are rolling in. 

I spent three hours on various phone calls today between Penn Medicine and Blue Cross. 

I learned today that my chemotherapy, which is delivered via infusion, is billed as both an infusion therapy and as chemotherapy. I'd been paying our $80 copay (yes, you read that correctly) at each appointment only to learn today that that only applies to the oncologist not the infusion/chemo. 

They are billing the infusion and chemo as separate services despite being concurrent and each has an $80 copay. This means that each oncologist/chemo appointment is a $240 out of pocket expense. 

Now, multiply that by 12 and that is my out of pocket expense just for the chemo. That doesn't include the thousands of dollars that I'm being billed for the necessary tests presurgery or the echocardiograms that I have to have multiple times a year. 

Additionally, every three weeks I go back for Herceptin infusions. I will continue that until June 2022. I will have to pay the $80 copay to my Oncologist and another $80 copay for the infusion. So that's another $160 every three weeks. 

I guess now would be a good time to say that our family deductible is $8,600. 

Thanks Obama. Our insurance is much more affordable that the old $500 deductible and $25 copays. We're so much better off. Asshole. 

Falling asleep has always been tough for me but now it's filled with anxiety because I'm afraid to wake up. 

I'm waiting for the final shoe to drop and break me completely. 

At least my antidepressants and my Ambien are covered. 

Chemo Is Hard

"You're so strong." 

"You've just sailed right through this." 

"You're so inspirational." 

These are things that I hear from friends, loved ones and people I don't know but have found me on social media. 

I appreciate the sentiment but let's be clear... I am strong because I have to be. 

Being strong isn't necessarily a virtue. It just means that I've endured enough in life that I have learned to take a hit and get back up. It helps that I am not a quitter but, honestly, it would be really nice to just lie down and feel sorry for myself. 

I am so tired. 

The biggest factor in my pushing through was my kids. I wanted to set the right example of how to fight something that is beyond my control.  

Chemo is hard. 

Really hard. 

It's an absolute assault on the body and mind and is taxing on everyone who has to pick up the slack caused by the patient's inability to complete everyday tasks. 

Treatments were Friday mornings. Thursday nights I would be filled with anxious energy and sleep was pretty much non-existent. 

Friday mornings were early and long. We had to be out of the house before the kids were up for school and didn't get home until almost 2pm. Some days I could come home and get right to work and others I was exhausted and had to nap. 

It was as unpredictable as a crap shoot. 

My chemo included steroids and once they kicked in I was completely incapable of holding still. I would stockpile work so that I had something to do until 2-3am, crash for a couple of hours and then get up and go back to work. 

Sunday's I'd crash hard and if I was lucky I'd be able to get out of bed on Tuesday. 

While I may be a sailor at heart, there was no sailing involved in this treatment.

I started asking friends to bring a meal on Mondays so that I knew my family would have dinner. Fortunately, I have awesome friends who took great care of us. 

If you can't ask for help and you get sick, life will suck even more. 

I was upfront from the beginning so it was not a surprise to anyone when I did ask for help but it's still humbling. 

One of the most important things for me is attitude. 

We all have bad days, bad moments, bad times in life. I get down, I cry, I rage and I swear...a lot but, I do not let the bad stuff determine who I am. 

We recently had a Covid scare in the house. Everyone is fine and, thank God, it was really a non-event but, we still had to quarantine to be safe. 

During that time the kids watched entirely too much YouTube and played way too many video games but there was little else for them to do. 

Their first school night back, tablets had to be shut off and bedtime was earlier. 

David came unglued. 

I sat with him and very calmly asked him to name things that he was grateful for. He listed a number of things including our house, his brother, his parents, etc. As he continued, I asked him if he felt better. 

He got a little sad again but said yes. I explained that he won't always get what he wants and that things don't always go his way. Concentrating on the good things in life help ease through the rough times.  I went on to tell him that how he deals with disappoinment is one of the most important things he can do. 

Everyone has times that are bad or things that don't go according to plan. Throwing a temper tantrum or flipping out won't fix anything and will usually make matters worse. 

I asked him how I dealt with my cancer. He said, "By using your head...literally!" Then he laughed.

He was referring to my hats. I reminded him that I did have some bad days but that I didn't let that be the ruling factor with my fight against cancer. 

I met with the doctors, did what I needed to do, made the appropriate plans and moved along. Sometimes robotically. 

I did not sail. There were days that I could barely function. I accepted those days for what they were, and when I felt better got back to work because I had to.

I took the hits, fell down and got back up with lots of help from lots of people. 

I'm glad that people find my strength inspirational but really, I was just trying to save my life. 

Nails and Blessings

Chemo is over but the side effects aren't. 

Predominantly my nails. Both toes and fingers. 

I have almost no big toenails, I am losing two more toenails on my left foot and my fingernails hurt like hell. 

Have you ever bent your fingernails backwards? Yeah, me too. That's what all 10 of my fingers feel like at once. Fortunately, my thumbs hurt the least. And, maybe because I am right-handed, my right hand is the worst. 

Because I can be compassionate sometimes, I will not be posting pictures of this. It's disgusting even for me. 

The nosebleeds are lessening, my tummy issues are gone and my hair is beginning to grow back. 

Not that I would ever want to go through this again but, it's been really nice to not have to shave my legs or my armpits at all this summer! 

Finally, a perk of chemo that I can say is really good. 

I am getting stronger everyday and have even returned to the store to work a few days a week. 

It's been so nice to be back. 

Months ago, as the start of chemo neared, I messaged a bunch of friends asking if they could commit to playdates so our kids' summer wasn't just about mom being sick. 

They delivered! 

I owe a huge debt of gratitude to all our friends who arranged to have the boys over for swim and play dates this summer. One of our friends even went with me to the creek to watch the kids while I slept on a blanket. 

People brought us meals, presents and offered to drive the kids to their activities. Friends dropped cards in the mail to make me laugh of show their support. I am so grateful to each and everyone of you. 

Most of the time, hairloss aside, I didn't look sick. 

Just a bald chick with a really weird sense of humor. Something, thankfully, I was able to retain. 

The steroids made me gain weight so I didn't have that "ematiated cancer patient" look that we all know. 

The chemo I had wasn't as bad as others. It was only near the end that things began to taste weird and didn't want to eat or had absolutely no energy. The steroids actually made me gain weight. 

I'm a little pissed to be honest. I mean come on...If I had to go through this couldn't I have at least lost weight?! 

I am no Wonderwoman but normally, I am a pretty strong person who has an excessive amount of energy. 

As one who never shies from tackling a task, it was horrible to be in a position where I couldn't function. But, with a hubby who travels a lot for work, there were many days that I didn't have a choice but to push through and do what needed to be done. 

Those days I thanked God for my resilience, drive and Domino's delivery. 

Unfortunately, the downside to being a really strong person is that people don't realize how bad it has to be if we have to ask for help. 

When my energy meter ran out these last three months, it wasn't a matter of "a quick power nap" it was, "I'm going to bed and I don't know when I'll be able to get up."

Truly, chemo is no joke. 

If I had to ask for help it was because I had no choice. 

The ladies who work for me are incredible. They handled everything for me. Literally, everything, with the business. I rarely had to ask them for help. Most days I would just look at them and say, "I have to go to bed." They'd smile and say, "Sweet dreams." 

I could rest and recouperate without worry. 

That being said, I owe an excessively massive shout out to Jace! 

The week after my double mastectomy, two of my employees were stuck at home with Covid scares awaiting test results. (They were negative by the way). 

Jace single-handedly took care of all the orders, replied to emails and made the deliveries. It was a rough week and she carried all of us. 

She is the consumate professional who understands that a job needs to get done no matter what. She can buckle down and push out work like no one else I know. 

And she is largely unflappable. Honestly, I wish I had her composure! 

My business partner is amazing. She handled the store...every day for more than three months. 

Once the chemo started we never knew when I was going to need to sleep which made working outside of my house was out of the question. I had friends and employees who helped out but Ashley did the rest...all of it.

Classes, parties, orders, stock, bills, events ALL OF IT! 

I may be high energy but I think she is super human. 

I am blessed. 

Blessed is the word that rings through my brain repeatedly. 

I am blessed by the love of family, friends, employees, business partner and community. 

This whole experience could have been worse, but we have been carried every step of the way.

I was at the coffee shop in town this morning ordering my favorite latte, happy just to be there, when I looked at the chalkboard with their Bible verse on it and wow, did it hit home: 

Yes, thank God! 

The Bell & The Ball

I rang the bell!!!! 

I turned out to be a bigger deal for me than I thought it would. 

Seriously, it was big! 

I came really close to crying. 

My outfit for the day was a winged pig with the theme, "Chemo may be over, but I won't stop fighting until pigs fly." 

I made a ton of winged pig cookies to give to well, everyone and brought a huge basket of stuff to give away. 

Friends and loved ones have been so generous but there were so many things that I wasn't going to use. Rather than have them sit on a shelf in a closet, I thought it would be best to take the basket with me. I put a large note on the front that said, "If there is something here that could help you or a loved one, please take it." 

I put it on a table in the waiting area and told everyone there to help themselves and they did! 

As usual I bounced around at chemo handing out cookies, talking with the other patients and staff and laughed a lot! 

Then we headed home and, as usual, I was crazy busy Friday and Saturday nights! 

For a number of years now I have volunteered for the Silent Auction Committee for the Southern Chester County Chamber of Commerce at the Annual Gala. We have such a good time and the money we raise goes to the scholarship fund for graduating seniors. 

This year, due to covid, we had to change the date and the location of the event. It's normally held in March but we had to postpone until September and I am proud to say that it was a huge success! 

Fortunately, because it was on a Saturday night, I was still hopped up on steroids from chemo the day before. I felt great and had plenty of energy to get through the event and finish a cake when I got home.  

Speaking of the steroids...I have gained about 15 pounds during this experience and had nothing to wear. 

I had to be at the venue at 4:30. I didn't discover the wardrobe issue 2pm. Needless to say, I was pretty freaked out! 

I called a friend of mine, who had lost a bunch of weight, hoping that she hadn't cleaned out her closet, to see if she had something I could borrow and...

She did!!! 

I went from having nothing, to having a gorgeous dress that fit like it was made for me. 

Woohoo!!! 

So relieved. 

The only problem was that the bodice would flop open if I leaned forward. 

Huge shout out to Tina at the The Stone Barn in Kennett Square. She found a huge box of safety pins and helped me pin the bodice closed so my scars wouldn't traumatize anyone. 

After we got the dress pinned Tina headed out to finish setting up and I stayed in the ladies room to do my make-up and bedazzle my head. 

It was a wonderful night with great food, fantastic music and a lovely venue. 

I have been a member of the chamber since I opened my business. So many friends came over to congratulate me on ringing the bell. 

We talked about my decision to not wear a wig and about my bedazzled head. 

They also shared stories of loved ones who are fighting the battle now. 

I am blessed. 

All things considered my fight has been an easy one and my prognosis is excellent. 

Yeah, I have side effects that I'm still dealing with but everything could have been so much worse. 

I'm seriously considering becoming a volunteer at the cancer center. 

I enjoy talking to the other patients, finding ways to make both patients and staff laugh and help take the weight off their shoulders for a while. 

It feels good to help people and if something good can come from this then maybe that's why I was there to begin with. 

Laughter Is Medicine

Going through chemo has been the most amazing and weirdest experience of my life. 

It has given me the ultimate excuse to unleash my weird but also has given me an appreciation for the importance of attitude and the need to laugh. 

Not just an LOL that we all use, that really means smiling softly to myself, but true "guffaw" style laughter that makes your stomach hurt and your eyes water. 

If you've known me for oh, like five minutes, you know that I have a really odd sense of humor and work really hard to not take myself seriously. But this experience has shown me that my attitude can, and does, have a direct impact on others. 

Whether other patients or the medical staff, I love to make people laugh. 

Two weeks ago I arrived at chemo dressed in a chicken headband and beak  - Chemo Chicken- and handed out slingshot chickens. I gave them to all the patients and the staff and watched as people shot them at each other. 

It was great fun. 

Patients told me last week that their kids and grandkids were still playing with the chickens! 

The staff has told me that they love when I come in and that, after a whole week of working with cancer patients, they look forward to my being there. 

Those words are the wind beneath my wings. (See what I did there?)

I love to help people and I love to know that I've had an impact. 

Don't we all. 

When all is said and done in this life, is the cleanliness of our house or the model of our car what people will remember or will it be how they felt when they were with us?

We all know that "Debbie Downer" (sorry if your name is Debbie) person who sucks the happy out of a room. I want to be the sunshine in the room. The person who makes people happy when they walk in. 

And why not? When they laugh, I laugh. Let's be honest here, sometimes I laugh the hardest. Did you know that laughter really is good medicine? 

No, really, it is! 

According to HelpGuide.com Laughter can: 

• Boost your immune system
• Relax you
• Release endorphins
• Improve heart health
• Reduce stress
• Burn calories 

Evidently I need to laugh more 'cause I got some pounds to lose. 

Seriously though, with all those benefits who wouldn't want to laugh more? 

But honestly, it can be really difficult. Not all circumstances are funny and, despite my propensity to do so, not everything is a laughing matter. 

The question that matters is: How can I improve this situation or the situation of the lives of the people around me? 

Recently, my best friend's mother passed away. Although it was sad to lose her, she lived a great, long life, was well loved by her enormous family and had a wonderful impact on everyone she ever met. 

At the funeral my friend had a tough time collecting herself. When I arrived she was surrounded by a bunch of people who were telling her to breath and trying to calm her. 

Yeah...worst thing ever! 

What she needed was "Vanessa's Crazy" to get her out of her own head, not advice on how to calm herself. She already knew she was our of sorts and didn't need to hear it. Telling someone they need to calm down, even when they do, is the worst. 

Truly, has anyone ever actually calmed down at the mention of their need to do so?  

I jumped in, inserted my wacky sense of humor (that we share) and in short order I had her laughing and joking and was able to help her get through the viewing and funeral. 

She has been there for me for most of my life and I was more than glad to help her through that day and others. We've been BFFs for almost 40 years. We know each other inside and out and all I have to do is call her, tell her I'm having a crappy day and before I know it we are laughing hysterically. 

Recently my "little" sister was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a double mastectomy today. It was a really long surgery, nearly 8 hours long, but is over and she is being moved ICU for the next night or two. 

While I have not been worried about the surgery I was VERY worried about the pathology. Working on becoming a cancer survivor myself, all I really cared about was what her margins are and whether or not her nodes were clear. 

I do not know about the margins or the rest of the surgical pathology yet, that may be weeks, but the nodes were clear! 

Whew! 

Now I can breath and she can get on with healing. 

Her surgery was much more extensive than mine so her healing time will be much longer and more complicated but, at least she's off to a good start. 

Because of the stupid virus, only her husband will be allowed to visit. In fact, she wasn't even allowed to have him there for the pre-op stuff. 

The stress of bein alone was horrible for her.

So, of course, I called her this morning and got her to laugh. We stayed on the phone talking about how much I tortured her when she was a kid, laughing of course, until her doctor came in. After that things moved quickly and before she knew it she was off to surgery. 

I will sleep a little better tonight knowing that my sister is through the surgery and resting well. There will be crappy days of tears and doubt ahead and I will hold her hand when possible or just be an ear on the other end of the phone. I also know the pain she is headed for and will be ready with funny memes and anecdotes to take her mind off things. 

Most importantly, I will make her laugh. 

Chemo Eve!!!!

I have undergone 9 rounds of chemo and have three left! After tomorrow there will only be two. 

Tomorrow I hit double digits! 

After I passed 6 I was super excited. Think about it… I had officially crested the top of the mountain and was headed downhill. 

Because I was there for treatment 7 ( first round of the second half of my treatments,) I celebrated with tiara and sash that said "Survivor." When I walked into the reception area the ladies at the registration desk cheered! 

I made the round in the reception area waving like the Miss America while the other patients applauded. 

Someone asked if it was my last treatment day. When I explained that it was the start of the second half the other chemo patients completely understood. 

To say that I was excited was an understatement. 

Honestly, I was pretty hyper on the way to chemo.

 

My crazy, giddiness drives my husband up a wall. 

I think if he could have pushed me out of the car on the way there, he would have. 

We are the ultimate Yin and Yang couple. 

According to the website personaltao.com, Yin means shady side and Yang means sunny side. Guess as which one I am :) 

I like to be the sunny one. I love that "gotcha" moment when I surprise people with a joke or by being silly. 

I love to make them smile!

Between hats, headbands and sunglasses, being bald has given me the greatest opportunity to be silly in my life. 

The best part of my silliness is that I get to make the staff at the cancer center laugh. 

I can't imagine how difficult their jobs are. 

A few weeks ago, after a particularly humorous visit with my oncologist she said, "Thank you so much. It's probably the only time today that I'm going to laugh."

I wanted to cry. 

My appointment was at 8:30 in the morning. Imagine how long her days must be! 

I've had tough jobs in my lifetime but nothing like that. 

By nature, I am a caretaker. It's just who I am. I like to help people. I earned the nickname “Mommy V” long before I ever had kids. 

Years ago, after my dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer we brought him home to heal him enough to withstand chemo. Unfortunately, every calorie we fed him, fed the cancer and it ravaged him. There was nothing we could do to help him. By the time he went in for surgery the cancer had perforated his bladder wall and spread into his abdomen. There was no way to stop it. The most we could do was keep him comfortable. 

Not being able to help him is the stuff my nightmares. 

I would imagine that everyone at the oncologist's office feels the same way. They went into the field of oncology to help others but there will be some who, despite the team's best efforts, will lose the battle to the beast that is cancer. 

I can't imagine what it's like to go into work every day knowing that you may have to look someone in the eyes and tell them that there is nothing more they can do. 

These are the people that I get to make laugh. 

For a brief period of time, could be 10 seconds, could be 5 minutes I get to help them escape reality and laugh with me or given my attire, at me. Seriously can you think of a better honor. 

What an incredible gift God has given me. I am so grateful. 

It is such a blessing. The nurses, techs and even the doctors have told me they look forward to "Vanessa Days.”

Last week was chemo round 9!

And I arrived with a Shark headband singing “Chemo Shark do do do do do do.” 

Got a few people to sing with me! Others cheered and one of the nurses announced my presence by shouting “Chemo Shark has arrived!”

Only three more to go! I need to top what I’ve done already! 

Making them happy makes me happy and gets me out of my head. I can worry and bring myself down but I just hate to feel that way. 

I have battled depression most of my adult life. Drifting to the land of the depressed is terrifying for me. Sometimes I get through quickly and others it’s a long, scary time and no one has any idea when it will end. 

I have discovered that allowing myself to experience my emotions when they hit is very helpful. By doing so I am not shaming myself for have bad synapses in my brain, but I am just going through what I’m going through when it happens. I seem to make it to the other side so much faster this way. 

The exhaustion can cause the depression to flair, so I’ve kept my additional antidepressant drug in my regimen until I’m on the other side of this. I usually use it for winter months. 

I’m looking forward to waking up in the morning not needing a dose of Imodium, antinausea medication and nine naps. 

I’m also very excited for the weekly “Surprise You Have A New Side Effect” game show to come to an end. 

Today I lost most of both big toenails. 

Yeah, it was as unpleasant as you’re imagining. 

At this point I am struggling! 

With so many incredible chemo perks, I just don’t know how to choose a fav! 

Which would you choose: 

·      Nosebleeds

·      Steroid acne…everywhere

·      Diarrhea

·      Nausea

·       “Salty with a hint of blood” taste in the mouth…constantly. We’ve discovered that its bloody postnasal drip.

·      Acid reflux. The aforementioned postnasal drip exacerbates this. 

·      Hair loss

·      I get folliculitis (scalp zits)

·      The fatigue is astounding. Need to nap now!

·      I have learned what neuropathy in my feet feels like and it’s very painful. I packed my feet in ice, took a Percocet and went to bed. 

·      Some days nothing, not even coffee, tastes good. 

·      My skin itches and a I get chemo rash on my hands. 

·      No need to shave my legs this summer – this really is a perk! 

·      Chemo brain – I’d tell you, but I can’t remember.

I love the steroids the give me with the infusion. I’m superhuman for about 48 hours and then crash like Lindsay Lohan! 

I’m not the best at resting. I am action oriented and prefer to do things. Especially if someone needs help.

If someone is sad, I cheer them up. If they need a joke, I’m their girl. If I can be silly and help take their mind off things for a while. I’m the girl. 

It’s such a simple thing to do and has such an amazing reward! 

For Chemo round 8 I arrived with my head bedazzled but it was hidden under the band on the hoop hat I was wearing. They come in sets of two. You put one on your head and another person puts one on theirs. Then you throw ping pong balls at each other until one gets theirs all in the other’s hoop. 

No one else would wear the hoop hat but I did have all the other patients throwing ping pong balls at me. 

Both the infusion center and doctor’s office were still talking about it last week and laughing while doing so. 

Last week I spent Monday in bed and wasn’t even able to get David to gymnastics. I apologized and cried. He wrapped his little arms around my neck and said it was ok because I was sick. 

My nurse practitioner said we treat the cancer and manage the side effects. Sometimes the management works better than others. This week was two days in bed, but I got through it. 

There seems to be a drug to counter most of the symptoms caused by chemo except chemo brain. 

Chemo brain is a real thing, but not for three years mom. (Seriously, you milked that forever!) 

My memory is just shot. There will be something that I need to look up but the time it takes me to pick up the phone and enter my security code, I will forget what I was doing!

So. Freaking. Annoying.

I have had to set reminders on my phone for EVERYTHING! But it helps keep me organized. 

Three weeks of treatments left and then this will be but a memory.

 

This chapter will close and something amazing will begin.

 

I have my trust placed firmly in the hands of Jesus. 

 

31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:32

 

Great things lie ahead. 

I can't wait to soar!!!

 

Super Kid

Tomorrow I will be officially halfway through chemo! 

I am so freaking excited I can barely stand it! 

Seriously, I want today over so I can get in that damn chair and Get. It. Done!!! 

I wish I could say it was all smooth sailing so far but that would be a lie. 

Monday, I woke up with this horrible pinching pain near my port. 

It is really bad. 

I went back to the doctor at Interventional Radiology who did an ultrasound. He couldn't see anything wrong. 

Then I went to the Oncologist who also couldn't find anything wrong. 

She sent me for a CT Scan that also shows nothing wrong. 

I'm in pain for no freaking reason. 

The only thing anyone said that makes sense is there might be scar tissue on a nerve. 

Maybe...all I know is that the pain comes and goes intermitently and is beyond annoying. 

The nausea hasn't been bad. It's been contollable with Zofran twice a day. 

The diarrhea, no so much.

Originally I was taking 1/2 and Imodium a day. Then it was a whole one on certain days now it's daily. 

It usually works but some days are worse than others. 

The Sunday after my third treatment I took my Nexium, Zofran and Imodium while getting ready in the morning then headed to church. 

That afternoon we were planning on attending a birthday party for one of the boys' friends. 

Well, you know that "rumbly" feeling you get in your guy when your stomach isn't right?

Yeah, despite taking Imodium that morning, that feeling was still there. 

I really wanted to go to the party but didn't want to get stuck in this family's bathroom so I took another. 

HUGE MISTAKE!! 

I ended up constipated! 

It's a delicate balance because my system is literally being assaulted weekly and I react differently each time. 

My Oncologist described it like a boxing match. 

When the fight starts the boxers can take a hit and keep going but round after round their recovery time is longer and longer. 

That's what's happening with me. 

The good news is that the constipation only lasted about three days. The bad news is that I ended up stuck in the Walmart bathroom for about 30 minutes. 

Nope, can't make this up! 

The list of side effects is pretty long. 

Tummy issues, fatigue, hair loss, steroid high, steroid acne, blotchy face, and nose bleeds. 

I anticipated most of them but the nose bleeds caught me by surprise. 

They are crazy annoying, happen at the worst times and are competely unpredictable. 

Nose bleeds happen while driving down the road, brushing my teeth, talking to the neighbor, walking down the stairs, walking up the stairs, talking on the phone, lying in bed, etc. 

Pretty much whenever. 

Everyone in the house is used to me walking around with a tissue randomly jammed up a nostril and two friends have suggested using tampons if it gets out of hand. 

It's been an interesting few weeks to say the least. 

The boys attended gymnastics camp this week. Each day they've had a theme. 

Yesterday was superhero day. 

When I asked the boys what they wanted to do Daniel replied, "I want a picture of you." 

Really? 

He knows every DC and Marvel Character. 

Like, really knows them! Give him a name and he can tell you what they are. 

I was expecting one of those...not me. 

I was floored. 

He had me print a picture of myself, without hair, and attach it to his t-shirt with clear packing tape.  

He was so proud! 

He even won 10 Jolly Ranchers for best shirt! 

What an amazing, sweet, compassionate, insightful little man. 

I don't feel much like a superhero, unless pooping is suddenly a super power, but I sure am one proud momma of a really super kid. 

Just Loud

Throughout my diagnosis, surgery and current chemo treatments, people have referred to me as "brave," a label with which I am not comfortable. 

Merriam-Webster defines brave as: "having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty : having or showing courage."

I don't see myself as brave or courageous. 

Great figures in history that I think of when I hear brave are: 

• Harriet Tubman leading slaves to freedom on the underground railroad
• Martin Luther King
• Irena Sendler — a Polish social worker who helped save some 2,500 Jewish children from the Nazis by smuggling them out of the Warsaw Ghetto 
• Combat soldiers
• Firefighters
• Police
• Anyone willing to put their life on the line for the betterment of others

I just talk about what is going on in my life and encourage others to go to the boob squish machine. 

I know, I know...it sucks, it hurts, it's uncomfortable but it's necessary. 

It's not bravery. It's a test. 

Someone recently asked how I was and I gave them the standard answer, "I'm good. Steroids get me through the weekend. The fatigue at the beginning of the week is pretty severe but my staff is amazing. They have everything covered so I can nap when I need too. The meds keep my tummy issues mostly under control."

He responded with, "You poor thing." 

I snapped back with, "Don't talk to me that way." 

And I meant it. 

I am not a "poor thing." 

What I am going through is temporary, manageable and I have a light at the end of the tunnel. 

There are many that will never see the end of treatment. 

They will lose their battle. 

In this regard, I am blessed. 

The cancer was stage one. I will beat this and move on. 

I am not brave, I am just loud. 

If God chose me and my big mouth so that I can spread the word and help to save others, then I am honored to be his messenger. 

Imagine God have enough faith in your faith in Him to make you a messenger.

What! How incredible is that? 

What I am talking about here is perspective. 

I am not a victim. 

I am a weapon, a warrior, a fighter. 

I don't wear battle armor, I have a big mouth, shaved head and pencilled on eyebrows.

Truth be told though? Being bald does make me feel pretty badass.

I'm really liking the bald head. 

It's cooler in the summer, takes no time at all to get ready when we go out and...think of the money I'm saving on hair care products. Ha! 

I am having a great time with pictures of my bald head. 

After my chemo treatment last week, Glenn needed to go to his office and I needed to make a stop at Hobby Lobby for supplies. 

I scored a pair of Yoda sunglasses!!!

Once we were in the car I pulled them out to put them on and Glenn was mortified. 

It was the only time since we met that he wasn't a super aggressive driver. He was so embarrassed that he was hanging back so people wouldn't see us, well, me.  

I don't know what his problem was, my name is on the back of the car! 

Anyway...we got stuck at a notoriously long red light. He was really irritated and grumbling about it. 

While still wearing the Yoda glasses, I put my hand on his arm and said, "Alright you will be."

He tried to not to laugh, but in the end couldn't help himself, and we had a great laugh together. 

I still have 7 more weeks of chemo ahead but I have five behind me. Each week I get closer to getting my life back. 

It's just a path I need to take and I will walk it with God lighting the way. 

With a little humor and a lot of faith, alright I will be.