God's Got This

I am blessed. Really, really blessed.  

I didn't just survive cancer, I have beaten it. 

"The biopsy was malignant." Are four words that stike fear in those of us who have received the call. 

Given my family's pathology, the call was no surprise but it was no less terrifying. In fact, my oncologist says that my family history makes her toes curl. 

Overnight I went from only knowing the difference between benign and malignant to a functional knowledge of ductal, invasive ductal and lobular cancers. 

The learning curve was severe but necessary. 

Knowledge really is key in the fight against cancer. 

I am not one to take things strictly at face value. I do my research, speak to others who have walked the path and find as much information as I can process. I prefer information and facts vs how I might feel about something. 

Probably why I despise the "talking heads" on TV. They play on emotion a little too much for me! 

Anyway...

The beast is beaten into remission. 

I have won!

However...

Far, far in the recesses of my brain there is a small molecule of doubt, worry, anxiety. 

All the "what if" questions live there. 

This is where my faith fights my battles. 

I can't quote scripture. I have a horrible memory for scripture, song lyrics or most other quotes...but I'm really good with jokes! 

And, I have faith. 

It's so hard to put into words. 

Dictionary.com defines Faith as: "complete trust or confidence in someone or something."

That someone or something is God.  

"God's got this" is what plays through my head and heart the most. 

According to the American Cancer Society, 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer and of those 1 in 39 will die. While deaths from breast cancer have decreased by 43% it's still going to take more than 43,000 women in the US each year. 

I don't know why I was spared but I have faith that God's got this. 

However, I still ask, "Why?"

Why was I chosen to live? Why me? 

I don't know if I am currently living God's plan or if I will be called into service in the future. Was my purpose to bring humor into the chemo center? Is it so that I can share my experience? 

I don't know. 

Many will say that it doesn't matter and that what matters is that I did beat it and can continue living but I believe that it's bigger than "just living." 

Millions of people will be diagnosed and many won't survive. 

In fact, last week I attended a celebration of life party with a man who was losing his battle with pancreatice cancer. I am so grateful for the opportunity to see him again and hug him one final time. 

But, while talking he looked at me and asked, "How long has it been for you?" 

I didn't realize what he was asking so I replied, "For what?"

He said, "Since you were diagnosed." 

I felt like I'd been hit in the face with a 2x4. 

I have never felt more horrible or more guilty than that very moment. 

There I was standing in front of a man whose life was most likely down to hours explaining that it's been two years since I was diagnosed. 

I wanted to crawl under a rock. 

Survivor guilt is real!

I'm still reeling from it and find myself asking again, "Why was I chosen to live? Why me?" 

Gary passed barely 24 hours after that party. I am grateful that he chose to spend time with the ones he loved and to see everyone one more time. His bravery in allowing people to see him during his last days was amazing. 

His impact will be felt for years as will his loss. 

I pray that my impact on those around me has been and will continue to be positive. 

I may never know why I was spared but I will continue to do my best to continue to share the knowledge I have gained in this process and trust that God's got this. 

My Nature

This might come as a surprise but...

I'm A LOT!

Just a lot of, well, everything.  

I do everything at full-speed and 100%. 

Except the laundry. 

I hate the laundry. 

I really, really hate it. 

But I digress...

I put 100% into everything I do. Could be knitting, painting, cake, business, friendships, love life, motherhood...whatever. I push myself all the time. 

I don't just accept a challenge, I tackle it. 

I'm a fighter and I always get back up. 

I just can't stay down. 

When I was diagnosed with cancer there was only one way for me to handle it. The same way I handle everything else: full steam ahead, gloves up, no hesitation. 

From lump to chemo, I knew I would fight. I was not going to let that bitch win!

I've been competitive my entire life, I hate to be doubted and I love to prove people wrong!

My mom knew this and used to tell my swim coaches that the best way to motivate me was to tell me they didn't think I could do something. 

That was how I set the 50M butterfly record in high school and the diving record in college. 

I come from a family who works hard, doesn't give up and doesn't shy away from confrontation. 

I was raised by very strong-minded people, but it's also my nature. 

Dictionary.com defines nature as: the basic or inherent features of something especially when seen as characteristic of it. 

I think that Aesop demonstrated nature best in the fable The Scorpion and the Frog: 

Drawing by Michael Morgenstern

A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because if I do, I will die too." 

The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp, "Why?

Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..." 

Many times in my life, I have cut my nose off to spite my face because I speak my mind. 

One of the things I also do 100% is talk...even when I know I shouldn't. 

It's my nature. 

But, my nature keeps me from quitting...I just don't.  

While it is my nature, my drive also comes from my parents. Dad was a sailor. In all the years we sailed I think we dropped out of two races. One was because we hit something and ripped the rudder off the stern of the boat and the other was total lack of wind, the crew was threatening mutiny and a keg party awaited us. 

Dad was a smart man who knew when to cut his losses! 

While we were never a horse family, the philosophy of "getting back on the horse" was practiced. Failure wasn't really a failure unless you gave up trying.

When I was in high school I was practicing for the summer Tri-County diving championships and was temporarily distracted...in mid air...and landed flat on my back in the water...in front of everyone!  

I was crying hysterically, was going to give up and go home but mom wouldn't let me. Through gritted teeth she told me to stop whining and get back on the board. 

Yeah, my back hurt...like hell actually...but my pride was hurt worse and the only way to get over that was to get back up there and show it who's boss! 

I did get back on the board, I did execute the perfect dive and I did win Tri-County that year! 

Everyone will fall down and make mistakes and everyone will fail at some point in their lives. Life is not a cake-walk. It's hard, messy and can be painful.

When I was a kid if I said something wasn't fair dad would always reply, "No one ever said life was fair." 

He was right. It's not. 

But, it can be filled with a myriad of blessings and lessons that will make us better and stronger. 

You can live in the negative or you can see the opportunity. 

Your choice. 

Failing at something is different from being a failure. 

Failing is an opportunity to improve and correct, failure is a mindset. 

Failure, to me, is the equivalent of being a victim. 

I am not a cancer victim, I am in the process of becoming a cancer survivor. 

There is a difference. 

Besides, it's my nature.