Frayed Knot

There is no "one size fits all" for experiencing grief. 

The same goes for hearing the words, "you have cancer." 

While my level of acceptance was almost immediate, most people will not share my experience. 

With my family history, my breast cancer diagnosis did not come as a surprise but it was still difficult to deal with. 

Once the diagnosis is delivered life takes on a frantic pace with tests, doctor appointments, surgery, treatments etc. 

The learning curve is extremely steep and we often don't have time to really process what is going on. 

The physical side of the healing process is often the easiest. 

The mental and emotional side take time, lots of time. 

I admittedly have a relatively short fuse. I have a tendency to spout off then calm down and think things through but one thing that will really piss me off is keep me angry is hearing a fellow cancer survivor tell me that she has been criticized by "loved ones" (who did not battle cancer) that she's not nice enough to people around her. 

Excuse me but...

Fuck them! 

Until you have endured the surgery, chemo, sat through endless tests and faced the massive world of not knowing if you will live or die, you have NO right to criticize someone. 

Walk a mile in their shoes...etc. 

By now we all know about the stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, Acceptance.  But, it's not a straight line and can look like a frayed knot. 

Cancer patients enduring chemo can go through this with every infusion. 

It is literally a battle that leaves one exhausted, worn down, defeated, physically scarred and fighting for their life. 

The fight changes ones perspective. 

It doesn't end until it's completely over and the patient is declared cured. 

But...there will always be the tiny little morsel of "what if" in the back of the brain that will surface with every odd feeling. 

It never really ends we just do our best to put it behind us and move on. 

Once a person has fought for their life they see the world differently. 

Things that may have seemed important at one time carry less weight or no longer matter and things that may have brought us pleasure in the past can seem shallow now. 

Although anger is an early stage of grief it doesn't mean that it doesn't show up again. In fact, the anger or any of the other stages can surface when we least expect it. 

A mom listening to her kids argue over menial crap like the remote can snap at the kids because, well, who has possession of the remote doesn't matter in the big picture. 

Does this mean you need to walk on eggshells around the patient? No, it does not. However, don't expect your response to be their response. A little grace goes a long way. 

Two years ago I was nearing the end of my chemo treatments and had already undergone a plethora of tests and surgery. I am not the same person I was then. My outlook has changed. 

I have changed. 

Life has changed. 

I am blessed with friends and family who did not lecture me about how I was supposed to be speaking to them. They supported me through the worst time of my life without criticisms about being "nice enough" even when I wasn't. 

Healing takes time. 

I was allowed to feel what I needed to feel and come to terms with the new me. 

It wasn't easy for me and it wasn't easy for them but they did not make it worse with criticisms. 

Adrenaline and an Ambulance Ride

I have never been one to pass up a challenge. 

Honestly, I am a bit of an adrenaline junky. 

Not in a freeride mountain bike sort of way but I'm not afraid of heights and I enjoy a good adrenaline rush. 

I was a competitive diver in high school and college and I have taken trapeze lessons, gone ziplining, jumped out of a plane and now have gone indoor skydiving. 

It was the shizz! 

Seriously! If you get the chance...GO! 

Can you get hurt? Sure but you can get hurt crossing a street or driving to work. I'd rather my end come when I'm doing something that makes me smile. 

I bought a package for the family for Christmas. 

My concentration for this year was on group stuff that we could do together. We got new board games, thing called the Shock-tato and two flights per person at iFly. 

Shock-tato and the board games are fun but the winner, hands down, was iFly. 

Each person got one minute of flight time, twice. 

We were in a group of 12 and when the first person finished they moved to the end of the line etc until you got back to the first person. 

It's not a cheap thing to do but was definitely worth every second. 

60 seconds doesn't sound like much but it's longer than you think when you are holding the skydiving position. 

There were hand signal commands because you can't talk in a wind tunnel with speeds of 70 mph+

The hand signals are really important! 

Learning the signals and knowing what to do when instructor gives them to you is the key to a successful flight. 

Following directions in general can be key to success. 

Thinking out of the box is good but not in life or death situations. 

More important than the rush that comes from flying is the shared experience with my guys. Glenn and I are not just sideline parents. We like to be involved and do as much as we can with the boys. 

This is one of those times I was more than happy to not be sitting on the sidelines. 

Sharing our windtunnel experiences together was fantastic and truly everything I had hoped for when I bought the tickets. 

We bought the special package to go back and do it again and none of us can wait! 

The boys are 10 now and the amount of time that they want to spend with us old folks is getting shorter and shorter. I am making a conscious effort to extend that as much as possible by encouraging family time. 

This was the reason for the theme for this past Christmas. 

We live in a society that puts stuff ahead of quality time and that's just not us. 

From cars to couches we buy as much used stuff as we can. Not only does it save a ton of money, but most of the stuff that others discard has plenty of life left in it and allows us to spend money on other things. 

Like indoor skydiving! 

My hope is that when the boys are grown and raising families of their own their concentration will be on creating their own memories not on the stuff that was under the tree on Christmas. 

While we are working on spending time together we are also not helicopter parents. It's never been our
thing to hover over our kids. Both hubby and I believe in the benefit of making mistakes and learning lessons. 

We also believe in independence. 

This paid off in droves when I was battling cancer. 

To this day the boys can get themselves up and ready for school. If I give them a list of chores they are pretty good about handling them. And, they don't look to us to be entertained. 

Maybe its a twin-mom thing. I never had the ability to just dote on one kid at a time. 

They did almost everythng at the same time: meals, naps, baths, etc. 

And, because I work with my hands from home, often just had each other to be entertained. 

This paid off again two weeks ago. 

Saturday morning at about 5:45 hubby was up making coffee when he heard a thump come from upstairs. 

He ran up to see what was going on and discovered me in a full seizure on the floor on my side of the bed. 

He called 911. 

I can't imagine how horrifying it must have been for him! 

The first thing I remember is being loaded into the back of the ambulance. 

After filling the boys in on what was going on, they went back to bed and hubby met the ambulance at the hospital. 

The good news is that all of the tests for serious things like a stroke or a brain tumor came back negative. 

The bad news is that they have no idea what caused it. 

Winter is a tough time for those of us who battle depression. I take a daily antidepressant but in the winter I take and extra one (thanks to daylight savings time) called Wellbutrin. 

They told me in the ER that Wellbutrin can cause seizures. 

I did a little reasearch and discovered that 4 out of every 1,000 people taking Wellbutrin will suffer seizures. I stopped taking it immediately. 

But, based on a study published in the the American Academy of Neurology patients who had Covid-19 were 55% more likely to develop epilepsy or seizures in the six months following Covid infection vs patients who had influenza. 

Well, I had Covid the week before Thanksgiving 2022. That was only two months ago. 

I was told to make a follow up appointment with a neurologist...I did. The earliest I can get in is March. 

Hurry up and wait. 

In the meantime I will follow up with my general practitioner and pray that this was one and done...forever.