Nails and Blessings

Chemo is over but the side effects aren't. 

Predominantly my nails. Both toes and fingers. 

I have almost no big toenails, I am losing two more toenails on my left foot and my fingernails hurt like hell. 

Have you ever bent your fingernails backwards? Yeah, me too. That's what all 10 of my fingers feel like at once. Fortunately, my thumbs hurt the least. And, maybe because I am right-handed, my right hand is the worst. 

Because I can be compassionate sometimes, I will not be posting pictures of this. It's disgusting even for me. 

The nosebleeds are lessening, my tummy issues are gone and my hair is beginning to grow back. 

Not that I would ever want to go through this again but, it's been really nice to not have to shave my legs or my armpits at all this summer! 

Finally, a perk of chemo that I can say is really good. 

I am getting stronger everyday and have even returned to the store to work a few days a week. 

It's been so nice to be back. 

Months ago, as the start of chemo neared, I messaged a bunch of friends asking if they could commit to playdates so our kids' summer wasn't just about mom being sick. 

They delivered! 

I owe a huge debt of gratitude to all our friends who arranged to have the boys over for swim and play dates this summer. One of our friends even went with me to the creek to watch the kids while I slept on a blanket. 

People brought us meals, presents and offered to drive the kids to their activities. Friends dropped cards in the mail to make me laugh of show their support. I am so grateful to each and everyone of you. 

Most of the time, hairloss aside, I didn't look sick. 

Just a bald chick with a really weird sense of humor. Something, thankfully, I was able to retain. 

The steroids made me gain weight so I didn't have that "ematiated cancer patient" look that we all know. 

The chemo I had wasn't as bad as others. It was only near the end that things began to taste weird and didn't want to eat or had absolutely no energy. The steroids actually made me gain weight. 

I'm a little pissed to be honest. I mean come on...If I had to go through this couldn't I have at least lost weight?! 

I am no Wonderwoman but normally, I am a pretty strong person who has an excessive amount of energy. 

As one who never shies from tackling a task, it was horrible to be in a position where I couldn't function. But, with a hubby who travels a lot for work, there were many days that I didn't have a choice but to push through and do what needed to be done. 

Those days I thanked God for my resilience, drive and Domino's delivery. 

Unfortunately, the downside to being a really strong person is that people don't realize how bad it has to be if we have to ask for help. 

When my energy meter ran out these last three months, it wasn't a matter of "a quick power nap" it was, "I'm going to bed and I don't know when I'll be able to get up."

Truly, chemo is no joke. 

If I had to ask for help it was because I had no choice. 

The ladies who work for me are incredible. They handled everything for me. Literally, everything, with the business. I rarely had to ask them for help. Most days I would just look at them and say, "I have to go to bed." They'd smile and say, "Sweet dreams." 

I could rest and recouperate without worry. 

That being said, I owe an excessively massive shout out to Jace! 

The week after my double mastectomy, two of my employees were stuck at home with Covid scares awaiting test results. (They were negative by the way). 

Jace single-handedly took care of all the orders, replied to emails and made the deliveries. It was a rough week and she carried all of us. 

She is the consumate professional who understands that a job needs to get done no matter what. She can buckle down and push out work like no one else I know. 

And she is largely unflappable. Honestly, I wish I had her composure! 

My business partner is amazing. She handled the store...every day for more than three months. 

Once the chemo started we never knew when I was going to need to sleep which made working outside of my house was out of the question. I had friends and employees who helped out but Ashley did the rest...all of it.

Classes, parties, orders, stock, bills, events ALL OF IT! 

I may be high energy but I think she is super human. 

I am blessed. 

Blessed is the word that rings through my brain repeatedly. 

I am blessed by the love of family, friends, employees, business partner and community. 

This whole experience could have been worse, but we have been carried every step of the way.

I was at the coffee shop in town this morning ordering my favorite latte, happy just to be there, when I looked at the chalkboard with their Bible verse on it and wow, did it hit home: 

Yes, thank God! 

The Bell & The Ball

I rang the bell!!!! 

I turned out to be a bigger deal for me than I thought it would. 

Seriously, it was big! 

I came really close to crying. 

My outfit for the day was a winged pig with the theme, "Chemo may be over, but I won't stop fighting until pigs fly." 

I made a ton of winged pig cookies to give to well, everyone and brought a huge basket of stuff to give away. 

Friends and loved ones have been so generous but there were so many things that I wasn't going to use. Rather than have them sit on a shelf in a closet, I thought it would be best to take the basket with me. I put a large note on the front that said, "If there is something here that could help you or a loved one, please take it." 

I put it on a table in the waiting area and told everyone there to help themselves and they did! 

As usual I bounced around at chemo handing out cookies, talking with the other patients and staff and laughed a lot! 

Then we headed home and, as usual, I was crazy busy Friday and Saturday nights! 

For a number of years now I have volunteered for the Silent Auction Committee for the Southern Chester County Chamber of Commerce at the Annual Gala. We have such a good time and the money we raise goes to the scholarship fund for graduating seniors. 

This year, due to covid, we had to change the date and the location of the event. It's normally held in March but we had to postpone until September and I am proud to say that it was a huge success! 

Fortunately, because it was on a Saturday night, I was still hopped up on steroids from chemo the day before. I felt great and had plenty of energy to get through the event and finish a cake when I got home.  

Speaking of the steroids...I have gained about 15 pounds during this experience and had nothing to wear. 

I had to be at the venue at 4:30. I didn't discover the wardrobe issue 2pm. Needless to say, I was pretty freaked out! 

I called a friend of mine, who had lost a bunch of weight, hoping that she hadn't cleaned out her closet, to see if she had something I could borrow and...

She did!!! 

I went from having nothing, to having a gorgeous dress that fit like it was made for me. 

Woohoo!!! 

So relieved. 

The only problem was that the bodice would flop open if I leaned forward. 

Huge shout out to Tina at the The Stone Barn in Kennett Square. She found a huge box of safety pins and helped me pin the bodice closed so my scars wouldn't traumatize anyone. 

After we got the dress pinned Tina headed out to finish setting up and I stayed in the ladies room to do my make-up and bedazzle my head. 

It was a wonderful night with great food, fantastic music and a lovely venue. 

I have been a member of the chamber since I opened my business. So many friends came over to congratulate me on ringing the bell. 

We talked about my decision to not wear a wig and about my bedazzled head. 

They also shared stories of loved ones who are fighting the battle now. 

I am blessed. 

All things considered my fight has been an easy one and my prognosis is excellent. 

Yeah, I have side effects that I'm still dealing with but everything could have been so much worse. 

I'm seriously considering becoming a volunteer at the cancer center. 

I enjoy talking to the other patients, finding ways to make both patients and staff laugh and help take the weight off their shoulders for a while. 

It feels good to help people and if something good can come from this then maybe that's why I was there to begin with. 

Laughter Is Medicine

Going through chemo has been the most amazing and weirdest experience of my life. 

It has given me the ultimate excuse to unleash my weird but also has given me an appreciation for the importance of attitude and the need to laugh. 

Not just an LOL that we all use, that really means smiling softly to myself, but true "guffaw" style laughter that makes your stomach hurt and your eyes water. 

If you've known me for oh, like five minutes, you know that I have a really odd sense of humor and work really hard to not take myself seriously. But this experience has shown me that my attitude can, and does, have a direct impact on others. 

Whether other patients or the medical staff, I love to make people laugh. 

Two weeks ago I arrived at chemo dressed in a chicken headband and beak  - Chemo Chicken- and handed out slingshot chickens. I gave them to all the patients and the staff and watched as people shot them at each other. 

It was great fun. 

Patients told me last week that their kids and grandkids were still playing with the chickens! 

The staff has told me that they love when I come in and that, after a whole week of working with cancer patients, they look forward to my being there. 

Those words are the wind beneath my wings. (See what I did there?)

I love to help people and I love to know that I've had an impact. 

Don't we all. 

When all is said and done in this life, is the cleanliness of our house or the model of our car what people will remember or will it be how they felt when they were with us?

We all know that "Debbie Downer" (sorry if your name is Debbie) person who sucks the happy out of a room. I want to be the sunshine in the room. The person who makes people happy when they walk in. 

And why not? When they laugh, I laugh. Let's be honest here, sometimes I laugh the hardest. Did you know that laughter really is good medicine? 

No, really, it is! 

According to HelpGuide.com Laughter can: 

• Boost your immune system
• Relax you
• Release endorphins
• Improve heart health
• Reduce stress
• Burn calories 

Evidently I need to laugh more 'cause I got some pounds to lose. 

Seriously though, with all those benefits who wouldn't want to laugh more? 

But honestly, it can be really difficult. Not all circumstances are funny and, despite my propensity to do so, not everything is a laughing matter. 

The question that matters is: How can I improve this situation or the situation of the lives of the people around me? 

Recently, my best friend's mother passed away. Although it was sad to lose her, she lived a great, long life, was well loved by her enormous family and had a wonderful impact on everyone she ever met. 

At the funeral my friend had a tough time collecting herself. When I arrived she was surrounded by a bunch of people who were telling her to breath and trying to calm her. 

Yeah...worst thing ever! 

What she needed was "Vanessa's Crazy" to get her out of her own head, not advice on how to calm herself. She already knew she was our of sorts and didn't need to hear it. Telling someone they need to calm down, even when they do, is the worst. 

Truly, has anyone ever actually calmed down at the mention of their need to do so?  

I jumped in, inserted my wacky sense of humor (that we share) and in short order I had her laughing and joking and was able to help her get through the viewing and funeral. 

She has been there for me for most of my life and I was more than glad to help her through that day and others. We've been BFFs for almost 40 years. We know each other inside and out and all I have to do is call her, tell her I'm having a crappy day and before I know it we are laughing hysterically. 

Recently my "little" sister was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a double mastectomy today. It was a really long surgery, nearly 8 hours long, but is over and she is being moved ICU for the next night or two. 

While I have not been worried about the surgery I was VERY worried about the pathology. Working on becoming a cancer survivor myself, all I really cared about was what her margins are and whether or not her nodes were clear. 

I do not know about the margins or the rest of the surgical pathology yet, that may be weeks, but the nodes were clear! 

Whew! 

Now I can breath and she can get on with healing. 

Her surgery was much more extensive than mine so her healing time will be much longer and more complicated but, at least she's off to a good start. 

Because of the stupid virus, only her husband will be allowed to visit. In fact, she wasn't even allowed to have him there for the pre-op stuff. 

The stress of bein alone was horrible for her.

So, of course, I called her this morning and got her to laugh. We stayed on the phone talking about how much I tortured her when she was a kid, laughing of course, until her doctor came in. After that things moved quickly and before she knew it she was off to surgery. 

I will sleep a little better tonight knowing that my sister is through the surgery and resting well. There will be crappy days of tears and doubt ahead and I will hold her hand when possible or just be an ear on the other end of the phone. I also know the pain she is headed for and will be ready with funny memes and anecdotes to take her mind off things. 

Most importantly, I will make her laugh.