"You've just sailed right through this."
"You're so inspirational."
These are things that I hear from friends, loved ones and people I don't know but have found me on social media.
I appreciate the sentiment but let's be clear... I am strong because I have to be.
Being strong isn't necessarily a virtue. It just means that I've endured enough in life that I have learned to take a hit and get back up. It helps that I am not a quitter but, honestly, it would be really nice to just lie down and feel sorry for myself.
I am so tired.
The biggest factor in my pushing through was my kids. I wanted to set the right example of how to fight something that is beyond my control.
Chemo is hard.
Really hard.
It's an absolute assault on the body and mind and is taxing on everyone who has to pick up the slack caused by the patient's inability to complete everyday tasks.
Treatments were Friday mornings. Thursday nights I would be filled with anxious energy and sleep was pretty much non-existent.
Friday mornings were early and long. We had to be out of the house before the kids were up for school and didn't get home until almost 2pm. Some days I could come home and get right to work and others I was exhausted and had to nap.
It was as unpredictable as a crap shoot.
My chemo included steroids and once they kicked in I was completely incapable of holding still. I would stockpile work so that I had something to do until 2-3am, crash for a couple of hours and then get up and go back to work.
Sunday's I'd crash hard and if I was lucky I'd be able to get out of bed on Tuesday.
While I may be a sailor at heart, there was no sailing involved in this treatment.
I started asking friends to bring a meal on Mondays so that I knew my family would have dinner. Fortunately, I have awesome friends who took great care of us.
If you can't ask for help and you get sick, life will suck even more.
I was upfront from the beginning so it was not a surprise to anyone when I did ask for help but it's still humbling.
One of the most important things for me is attitude.
We all have bad days, bad moments, bad times in life. I get down, I cry, I rage and I swear...a lot but, I do not let the bad stuff determine who I am.
We recently had a Covid scare in the house. Everyone is fine and, thank God, it was really a non-event but, we still had to quarantine to be safe.
Their first school night back, tablets had to be shut off and bedtime was earlier.
David came unglued.
I sat with him and very calmly asked him to name things that he was grateful for. He listed a number of things including our house, his brother, his parents, etc. As he continued, I asked him if he felt better.
He got a little sad again but said yes. I explained that he won't always get what he wants and that things don't always go his way. Concentrating on the good things in life help ease through the rough times. I went on to tell him that how he deals with disappoinment is one of the most important things he can do.
Everyone has times that are bad or things that don't go according to plan. Throwing a temper tantrum or flipping out won't fix anything and will usually make matters worse.
I asked him how I dealt with my cancer. He said, "By using your head...literally!" Then he laughed.
He was referring to my hats. I reminded him that I did have some bad days but that I didn't let that be the ruling factor with my fight against cancer.
I met with the doctors, did what I needed to do, made the appropriate plans and moved along. Sometimes robotically.
I did not sail. There were days that I could barely function. I accepted those days for what they were, and when I felt better got back to work because I had to.
I took the hits, fell down and got back up with lots of help from lots of people.
I'm glad that people find my strength inspirational but really, I was just trying to save my life.
