Sometimes

Sometimes life is great and sometimes it sucks beyond words. 

This past year has been both. 

I've experienced the love and care of friends in ways that are indescribable. 

I've also experienced pain, suffering and loss. 

It's been a crazy rollercoaster! 

While being diagnosed with cancer was terrible, it did not come as a surprise. My family history of cancers is horrifying. 

The surgery itself wasn't bad but the drain bags were miserable. the one on the left wasn't horrible but the subcutaneous tube on the right sat on a rib and rolled back and forth when I moved. It hurt for two weeks after the drain was removed. 

Then there was the car...The Ford Escape that became the bane of our existence! Ford corp did help but they truly should have footed the bill for the whole thing. It was a collosal nightmare. 

And, don't forget that I hit a deer hours after I borrowed a friend's truck while the Ford was in the shop. 

Yeah...it was a year of memories all right. 

But, there was so much good. 

My openness about my experience led so many women to have their mammograms not the least of whom was my sister. 

Has she waited she would be dying today rather than being a cancer survivor. 

Her one and only mammogram found a lump. The biopsy confirmed her cancer and her life then switched to doctor appointments, consultations, chemo and reconstruction. 

I have mentioned my family cancer history in the past, I wasn't being dramatic. 

My family tree is one headstone after another of people who died of cancer. Fortunately, thanks to education and awareness, many of us have caught it early and are survivors rather than victims. My mom, sister and I are all cancer survivors but...we each had a different type of cancer and do not have any of the genetic markers for breast cancer. 

Soooooo.... Be very careful about what you eat and the water that you drink. 

Personally, I think it's only a matter of time until the scientists either find another DNA link or they discover the combination that causes the breast cancer. Genetic testing for BRCA 1&2 has only been around for 20 years. The strides in genetic testing since then are huge! 

Unfortunately, the biggest detector is the mammogram. 

Yes, it sucks. Yes, it hurts but death from something that could have been stopped early is so much worse. 

So, ladies...Tits up! Get in the damn machine...Just do it. 

Let's get back to the good shall we? 

What was good about last year? 

Hats! 

Normally I am not a hat wearer but, my friends started sending me these awesome hats for when I lost my hair and I started wearing them on chemo days. Then, I continued every three weeks for the Herceptin treatments. 

It took on a life of it's own. 

It became so much more than just a hat. 

I was giving people a temporary relief from their misery. 

And, let's be honest here, chemo is misery. Despite the good-natured humor and insanity that is Vanessa, there were days that I couldn't lift my head off my pillow. I would just sleep or lie in bed and cry. 

The love and compassion I received from friends and family was astounding. It helped me to push through the crap days and appreciate the good ones so much more. 

Not only was I able to make the other patients smile and laugh but the staff laughed at my antics. 

Let's talk about the staff.

From the doctors and nurses to the front office people the shear number of people in the oncologist office and infusion center is amazing. 

While there are many success stories like myself, there are so many others who are there for paliative care. Their days are numbered and they are receiving treatment as a means to delay the inevitable. 

Imagine being the person behind the glass that has to greet people or the doctor that has to tell them there is nothing more that they can do. Or the nurse who sits with them while they have their treatment. 

Their jobs are so very tough. 

Now imagine having the power to make each of those people smile because you put on a crazy hat or wore a silly costume. 

Imagine that you are the person who gives everyone the excited anticipation on "what will she do next?"

I got to be that person. 

It was an honor to be that person. 

My next appointment isn't for three months! Even though it's stopping for a good reason, it feels so strange to having something that has been such a huge part of my life for a year, just stop. 

I get to move on but I will miss the other patients and the staff that I've seen every three weeks for a year. 

Thank you to everyone at the Abramson Cancer Center  in West Chester. You not only saved my life but you did it with humility, humor, love and grace. 

I will forever be grateful for all of you. 

My Nature

This might come as a surprise but...

I'm A LOT!

Just a lot of, well, everything.  

I do everything at full-speed and 100%. 

Except the laundry. 

I hate the laundry. 

I really, really hate it. 

But I digress...

I put 100% into everything I do. Could be knitting, painting, cake, business, friendships, love life, motherhood...whatever. I push myself all the time. 

I don't just accept a challenge, I tackle it. 

I'm a fighter and I always get back up. 

I just can't stay down. 

When I was diagnosed with cancer there was only one way for me to handle it. The same way I handle everything else: full steam ahead, gloves up, no hesitation. 

From lump to chemo, I knew I would fight. I was not going to let that bitch win!

I've been competitive my entire life, I hate to be doubted and I love to prove people wrong!

My mom knew this and used to tell my swim coaches that the best way to motivate me was to tell me they didn't think I could do something. 

That was how I set the 50M butterfly record in high school and the diving record in college. 

I come from a family who works hard, doesn't give up and doesn't shy away from confrontation. 

I was raised by very strong-minded people, but it's also my nature. 

Dictionary.com defines nature as: the basic or inherent features of something especially when seen as characteristic of it. 

I think that Aesop demonstrated nature best in the fable The Scorpion and the Frog: 

Drawing by Michael Morgenstern

A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because if I do, I will die too." 

The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp, "Why?

Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..." 

Many times in my life, I have cut my nose off to spite my face because I speak my mind. 

One of the things I also do 100% is talk...even when I know I shouldn't. 

It's my nature. 

But, my nature keeps me from quitting...I just don't.  

While it is my nature, my drive also comes from my parents. Dad was a sailor. In all the years we sailed I think we dropped out of two races. One was because we hit something and ripped the rudder off the stern of the boat and the other was total lack of wind, the crew was threatening mutiny and a keg party awaited us. 

Dad was a smart man who knew when to cut his losses! 

While we were never a horse family, the philosophy of "getting back on the horse" was practiced. Failure wasn't really a failure unless you gave up trying.

When I was in high school I was practicing for the summer Tri-County diving championships and was temporarily distracted...in mid air...and landed flat on my back in the water...in front of everyone!  

I was crying hysterically, was going to give up and go home but mom wouldn't let me. Through gritted teeth she told me to stop whining and get back on the board. 

Yeah, my back hurt...like hell actually...but my pride was hurt worse and the only way to get over that was to get back up there and show it who's boss! 

I did get back on the board, I did execute the perfect dive and I did win Tri-County that year! 

Everyone will fall down and make mistakes and everyone will fail at some point in their lives. Life is not a cake-walk. It's hard, messy and can be painful.

When I was a kid if I said something wasn't fair dad would always reply, "No one ever said life was fair." 

He was right. It's not. 

But, it can be filled with a myriad of blessings and lessons that will make us better and stronger. 

You can live in the negative or you can see the opportunity. 

Your choice. 

Failing at something is different from being a failure. 

Failing is an opportunity to improve and correct, failure is a mindset. 

Failure, to me, is the equivalent of being a victim. 

I am not a cancer victim, I am in the process of becoming a cancer survivor. 

There is a difference. 

Besides, it's my nature.