February 9, 1990, I walked into a room full of people sat down, and did my best not to cry.
It was my first AA meeting.
I was terrified but I stayed.
During the break I cried in the ladies room.
A lovely woman named Carol, stayed with me in the ladies room, talked me in off the ledge and promised to meet me at another meeting.
That was the day that changed the trajectory of my life.
When things are rough and tough, when I have to fight for my life, when I am fighting for someone else's life, when things are difficult my 'sobriety shield' is raised high. I am ready, I am on the lookout, I am constantly making sure that I am aware of my weaknesses and I am on guard.
I have never hidden my sobriety or the fact that I am an alcoholic. I always make time to help those in need or lend an ear to those whose loved ones are still actively drinking.
That was the day that changed the trajectory of my life.
Rather to succumbing to the horror that alcoholism has to offer, I put my faith in a room full of drunks and a power greater than myself that I truly did not understand.
All I knew was that I never again wanted to feel the way that I did that night.
I never wanted to spend another night with my face in a toilet.
I never wanted to spend another day having my friends recount my idiotic actions because I had drunk myself into a blackout.
These past three (plus) decades have not been without a desire to drink. I have had that many times...I just haven't given in.
Most days are really easy. I don't live a life that revolves around partying like I did back in the day, so not drinking is pretty easy. In fact, I rarely even think about it.
But, when things are going well and life has settled into an easy pattern with no drama or hysterics, that's when I want to drink.
My mind will begin to fantasize about "a" glass of wine or "a" beer. Neither of which did I ever have just one of.
The "ism" of alcoholism is always waiting for me to slip up and pick up a drink.
The "ism" is a thief. It's a devious little POS that waits for my guard to be down so it can convince me that a drink would bad situation better and a good situation great. Lies!
I am constantly aware that my thoughts can slip which would cause me to slip and I have no doubt that is a fall I would not survive.
In the early days of my sobriety I pretty much lived in meetings.
I did 30 in thirty days and even after that hit 3-5 per week, went on speaking engagements or drove friends, who had lost their licenses, to meetings.
I love the fellowship and I the atmosphere. Most people there had a common goal: sobriety.
While I rarely attend meetings now the lessons of those early days have stuck. Not the least of which were steps 1, 2, & 3.
- We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
In the early days I didn't have a clear understanding of God. All I knew was I was not the one who created the moon and stars. I was not responsible for the sun rising and setting every day and the things that I had tried to do on my own had gotten me to where I was.
I quickly found a sponsor who was able to see through my outer shell, talk to me in terms that I could grasp and summed up the first three steps in a much less wordy way:
- I can't.
- He can.
- I think I'll let Him.
As long a I was giving up control I would be alright.
Early on I resented the crap out of the fact that I am an alcoholic. I didn't like the label. I hated not being able to drink! Thirty-four years later and I can still tell you which cabinet the Tequila was in the day I decided to call the AA hotline.
Ask a "normal" person where the Tequila was in their liquor cabinet 34 years ago and I bet they'd look at you as if you're insane!
Over time the first three steps morphed into a much greater understanding of the Serenity Prayer.
Some days I practice it much better than others. I am not perfect but I really do try. And the best part of being sober this long is that my kids have never seen me drunk. God willing, they never will.
To this day my favorite meetings are the Newcomer meetings where I can hear that it's still the same crapshow out there that it was 34 years ago. Nothing has changed except the people sitting at the bar.
If you, or someone you love, are struggling with alcoholism, please know that there are people out there who want to help.
Helping others, helps us. All you have to do is ask.
Serenity, Courage and Wisdom.
May God bless you with all three.
