I recently heard a story about a woman who told a co-worker that she'd been diagnosed with breast cancer. The co-worker responded with, "Wow my friend's mom died from breast cancer."
OMG!!!!
There are so many things that you can say to a woman when she tells you that she's been diagnosed with breast cancer.
Immediately responding with a death comment is NOT one of them.
Other things that one should refrain from saying are, "They're just boobs. Since your kids are grown you don't even need them anymore. You'll get a free boob job. Now you can have the boobs you've always wanted. You should...whatever" Save the advice for when you are asked.
Times like that silence truly is a virtue.
What should you say?
How about:
- I'm so sorry.
- What is your treatment plan?
- I'd like to arrange a meal train after your surgery
- I can help you with childcare
- Are you all set for transportation?
- If you ever just want to vent I'm here for you.
- I have a friend who just went through this can I connect you?
Although breast cancer patients may have identical diagnoses, patients react differently to the treatments and one size does not fit all. Many of the emotions a patient experiences can be very similar but others can be polar opposites. Experiences may be similar but no two are identical. The most a patient can hope for is to find a kindred spirit who feels what they feel.
Speaking to someone who has "been there, done that" can be helpful for a couple of reasons:
- Speaking to a survivor breeds hope
- Only another patient can truly understand what the person is experiencing physically and mentally
- Having walked the path before them can offer advice that comes from first-hand experience
- Often a patient doesn't have to describe what they feel the other person knows and can often verbalize what the "newbie" has yet to flesh out.
Have you ever met someone who went through a similar experience to whatever you were going through at the moment and they say something that describes the thoughts that have been swirling through your brain but haven't yet been able to verbalize?
It feels like they could read your mind and put your thoughts into words.
It's a miraculous moment.
Connection at a time when life feels like its unraveling is vital because it's grounding.
Being told that you have cancer is horrific. Because of my family history with it I was not shocked but that does not mean that it wasn't terrifying. Being able to speak to someone that has already walked the path is comforting.
It's the reason that 12 Step programs like AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) work so well.
The flellowship of AA is just as important as the actual steps. Being with others who know exactly what you are going through is life altering. Not having to constantly fish for words that descibe feelings takes a weight of one's shoulders and allows the person to "just be."
I belong to a group on facebook for breast cancer patients. These women were lifesaving in the early days of my diagnosis and treatment. There is so much to learn and understand overnight. I didn't have to give background, I could just pop on, post a question or say how I was feeling and BAM immediately they would begin responding. They knew exactly how I felt.
To this day, I can't put into words the level of comfort that it would give me.
I didn't have to explain anything, listen to horrifying stories of dead loved ones or respond to insensitive comments.
Don't try to come up with something cute or offer advice on traveling a path you have never walked. It just makes you look like a know it all and, frequently, stupid!
Mark Twain put it best, "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to talk and remove all doubt."
When in doubt, say nothing.
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