God's Got This

I am blessed. Really, really blessed.  

I didn't just survive cancer, I have beaten it. 

"The biopsy was malignant." Are four words that stike fear in those of us who have received the call. 

Given my family's pathology, the call was no surprise but it was no less terrifying. In fact, my oncologist says that my family history makes her toes curl. 

Overnight I went from only knowing the difference between benign and malignant to a functional knowledge of ductal, invasive ductal and lobular cancers. 

The learning curve was severe but necessary. 

Knowledge really is key in the fight against cancer. 

I am not one to take things strictly at face value. I do my research, speak to others who have walked the path and find as much information as I can process. I prefer information and facts vs how I might feel about something. 

Probably why I despise the "talking heads" on TV. They play on emotion a little too much for me! 

Anyway...

The beast is beaten into remission. 

I have won!

However...

Far, far in the recesses of my brain there is a small molecule of doubt, worry, anxiety. 

All the "what if" questions live there. 

This is where my faith fights my battles. 

I can't quote scripture. I have a horrible memory for scripture, song lyrics or most other quotes...but I'm really good with jokes! 

And, I have faith. 

It's so hard to put into words. 

Dictionary.com defines Faith as: "complete trust or confidence in someone or something."

That someone or something is God.  

"God's got this" is what plays through my head and heart the most. 

According to the American Cancer Society, 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer and of those 1 in 39 will die. While deaths from breast cancer have decreased by 43% it's still going to take more than 43,000 women in the US each year. 

I don't know why I was spared but I have faith that God's got this. 

However, I still ask, "Why?"

Why was I chosen to live? Why me? 

I don't know if I am currently living God's plan or if I will be called into service in the future. Was my purpose to bring humor into the chemo center? Is it so that I can share my experience? 

I don't know. 

Many will say that it doesn't matter and that what matters is that I did beat it and can continue living but I believe that it's bigger than "just living." 

Millions of people will be diagnosed and many won't survive. 

In fact, last week I attended a celebration of life party with a man who was losing his battle with pancreatice cancer. I am so grateful for the opportunity to see him again and hug him one final time. 

But, while talking he looked at me and asked, "How long has it been for you?" 

I didn't realize what he was asking so I replied, "For what?"

He said, "Since you were diagnosed." 

I felt like I'd been hit in the face with a 2x4. 

I have never felt more horrible or more guilty than that very moment. 

There I was standing in front of a man whose life was most likely down to hours explaining that it's been two years since I was diagnosed. 

I wanted to crawl under a rock. 

Survivor guilt is real!

I'm still reeling from it and find myself asking again, "Why was I chosen to live? Why me?" 

Gary passed barely 24 hours after that party. I am grateful that he chose to spend time with the ones he loved and to see everyone one more time. His bravery in allowing people to see him during his last days was amazing. 

His impact will be felt for years as will his loss. 

I pray that my impact on those around me has been and will continue to be positive. 

I may never know why I was spared but I will continue to do my best to continue to share the knowledge I have gained in this process and trust that God's got this. 

Frayed Knot

There is no "one size fits all" for experiencing grief. 

The same goes for hearing the words, "you have cancer." 

While my level of acceptance was almost immediate, most people will not share my experience. 

With my family history, my breast cancer diagnosis did not come as a surprise but it was still difficult to deal with. 

Once the diagnosis is delivered life takes on a frantic pace with tests, doctor appointments, surgery, treatments etc. 

The learning curve is extremely steep and we often don't have time to really process what is going on. 

The physical side of the healing process is often the easiest. 

The mental and emotional side take time, lots of time. 

I admittedly have a relatively short fuse. I have a tendency to spout off then calm down and think things through but one thing that will really piss me off is keep me angry is hearing a fellow cancer survivor tell me that she has been criticized by "loved ones" (who did not battle cancer) that she's not nice enough to people around her. 

Excuse me but...

Fuck them! 

Until you have endured the surgery, chemo, sat through endless tests and faced the massive world of not knowing if you will live or die, you have NO right to criticize someone. 

Walk a mile in their shoes...etc. 

By now we all know about the stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, Acceptance.  But, it's not a straight line and can look like a frayed knot. 

Cancer patients enduring chemo can go through this with every infusion. 

It is literally a battle that leaves one exhausted, worn down, defeated, physically scarred and fighting for their life. 

The fight changes ones perspective. 

It doesn't end until it's completely over and the patient is declared cured. 

But...there will always be the tiny little morsel of "what if" in the back of the brain that will surface with every odd feeling. 

It never really ends we just do our best to put it behind us and move on. 

Once a person has fought for their life they see the world differently. 

Things that may have seemed important at one time carry less weight or no longer matter and things that may have brought us pleasure in the past can seem shallow now. 

Although anger is an early stage of grief it doesn't mean that it doesn't show up again. In fact, the anger or any of the other stages can surface when we least expect it. 

A mom listening to her kids argue over menial crap like the remote can snap at the kids because, well, who has possession of the remote doesn't matter in the big picture. 

Does this mean you need to walk on eggshells around the patient? No, it does not. However, don't expect your response to be their response. A little grace goes a long way. 

Two years ago I was nearing the end of my chemo treatments and had already undergone a plethora of tests and surgery. I am not the same person I was then. My outlook has changed. 

I have changed. 

Life has changed. 

I am blessed with friends and family who did not lecture me about how I was supposed to be speaking to them. They supported me through the worst time of my life without criticisms about being "nice enough" even when I wasn't. 

Healing takes time. 

I was allowed to feel what I needed to feel and come to terms with the new me. 

It wasn't easy for me and it wasn't easy for them but they did not make it worse with criticisms. 

The Signing

After the seizure I saw a neurologist who signed off on my paperwork stating that I was ok to drive. Did you know that if you have a seizure you have to have papers signed? Yeah, me either but I did and he did so all is good.

Mostly...

As I mentioned in my previous post, Wellbutrin can cause seizures. According to the FDA: "Bupropion is associated with seizures in approximately 0.4% (4/1,000) of patients treated at doses up to 450 mg/day. This incidence of seizures may exceed that of other marketed antidepressants by as much as 4-fold."

When I mentioned this to the doctor he got that glazed over look that I used to give people when they'd say, "You're from NJ do you know my cousin Richard?" Um....

Anyway, I went on to explain that Glaxosmithkline paid the government $3.4 billion for fraud and false promotion of Wellbutrin and about six other medications. The settlement was explained on July 2, 2012 in The New York Times: "In the largest settlement involving a pharmaceutical company, the British drugmaker GlaxoSmithKline agreed to plead guilty to criminal charges and pay $3 billion in fines for promoting its best-selling antidepressants for unapproved uses and failing to report safety data about a top diabetes drug, federal prosecutors announced Monday. The agreement also includes civil penalties for improper marketing of a half-dozen other drugs."

"If GSK (as they are now known) is willing to lie about it's uses are they willing to lie about their frequency of the side-effects?" I asked. The glazed look vanished and the doctor's eyebrows shot up to his scalp. Despite still wearing a mask it was obvious that I'd made him think.

He signed my papers :)

He did ask me to follow up with an EEG to make sure that everything was firing properly but that wouldn't happen for a few months. Guess it wasn't an emergency huh?! 

Stopping the Wellbutrin proved to be an depressing nightmare! My Seasonal Affective Disorder was pretty bad and I was suffering. I told my mom what was going on and she called her chiropractor

It's a non-invasive test that measures electrical activity in your brain.

The test lasts about an hour. It's in the dark with eyes closed...I fell asleep.

The tech and I were laughing about how often you get to go to a medical appointment and get to nap!

The worst part is the goo they use as a conductor between the electrode and the scalp. I couldn't wait to get home and wash my hair!

The results came back clear and confirmed that I do have a brain. 

This spring has been a whirlwind of activity in general.

Between bridal shows and open houses I have been crazy busy. The month of May has been torturously busy with the weekend of May 19, being the busiest ever. Three weddings, an open house, a birthday and a piano dedication.

I got it all done with lots of coffee and help from some friends!

Between the neurologist appointment and the EEG I also finished the tattoo.

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

It really did.

Not where my boobs used to be but down the center on my sternum. Holy heck was it painful.

I used some of the leftover lidocain cream that I had from my port to numb the area. It gave me a solid hour of relief while my the artist worked but at the end it was really, really tough!

I had the incredible opportunity to create a super cool cake for Cheval, who designed my tattoo. It was going to be the first time we were together since the tattoo was finished and I was so excited!

The bridal shop where we met installed a pop-up shoe shop and Cheval was going to be there for the launch.

The cake was a hit but her reaction to it was everything! 

She truly is the nicest person on the face of the earth.

I loved that I was able to show her the finished work and have her sign it! I will be adding it to the tattoo as soon as I can get in for an appoinment.

I had to miss my last appointment with my oncologist because I woke up feeling really nauseous. 

I'm really bummed too because it was supposed to be on Cinco de Mayo! I was all prepared. 

I see her the end of this month and need to come up with something fun. 

The boys' last day of school is six days away and I can't wait! Looking forward to swimming and daytime excursions with them. 

That's about all for now. 

Stay well my friends. 

. 

Adrenaline and an Ambulance Ride

I have never been one to pass up a challenge. 

Honestly, I am a bit of an adrenaline junky. 

Not in a freeride mountain bike sort of way but I'm not afraid of heights and I enjoy a good adrenaline rush. 

I was a competitive diver in high school and college and I have taken trapeze lessons, gone ziplining, jumped out of a plane and now have gone indoor skydiving. 

It was the shizz! 

Seriously! If you get the chance...GO! 

Can you get hurt? Sure but you can get hurt crossing a street or driving to work. I'd rather my end come when I'm doing something that makes me smile. 

I bought a package for the family for Christmas. 

My concentration for this year was on group stuff that we could do together. We got new board games, thing called the Shock-tato and two flights per person at iFly. 

Shock-tato and the board games are fun but the winner, hands down, was iFly. 

Each person got one minute of flight time, twice. 

We were in a group of 12 and when the first person finished they moved to the end of the line etc until you got back to the first person. 

It's not a cheap thing to do but was definitely worth every second. 

60 seconds doesn't sound like much but it's longer than you think when you are holding the skydiving position. 

There were hand signal commands because you can't talk in a wind tunnel with speeds of 70 mph+

The hand signals are really important! 

Learning the signals and knowing what to do when instructor gives them to you is the key to a successful flight. 

Following directions in general can be key to success. 

Thinking out of the box is good but not in life or death situations. 

More important than the rush that comes from flying is the shared experience with my guys. Glenn and I are not just sideline parents. We like to be involved and do as much as we can with the boys. 

This is one of those times I was more than happy to not be sitting on the sidelines. 

Sharing our windtunnel experiences together was fantastic and truly everything I had hoped for when I bought the tickets. 

We bought the special package to go back and do it again and none of us can wait! 

The boys are 10 now and the amount of time that they want to spend with us old folks is getting shorter and shorter. I am making a conscious effort to extend that as much as possible by encouraging family time. 

This was the reason for the theme for this past Christmas. 

We live in a society that puts stuff ahead of quality time and that's just not us. 

From cars to couches we buy as much used stuff as we can. Not only does it save a ton of money, but most of the stuff that others discard has plenty of life left in it and allows us to spend money on other things. 

Like indoor skydiving! 

My hope is that when the boys are grown and raising families of their own their concentration will be on creating their own memories not on the stuff that was under the tree on Christmas. 

While we are working on spending time together we are also not helicopter parents. It's never been our
thing to hover over our kids. Both hubby and I believe in the benefit of making mistakes and learning lessons. 

We also believe in independence. 

This paid off in droves when I was battling cancer. 

To this day the boys can get themselves up and ready for school. If I give them a list of chores they are pretty good about handling them. And, they don't look to us to be entertained. 

Maybe its a twin-mom thing. I never had the ability to just dote on one kid at a time. 

They did almost everythng at the same time: meals, naps, baths, etc. 

And, because I work with my hands from home, often just had each other to be entertained. 

This paid off again two weeks ago. 

Saturday morning at about 5:45 hubby was up making coffee when he heard a thump come from upstairs. 

He ran up to see what was going on and discovered me in a full seizure on the floor on my side of the bed. 

He called 911. 

I can't imagine how horrifying it must have been for him! 

The first thing I remember is being loaded into the back of the ambulance. 

After filling the boys in on what was going on, they went back to bed and hubby met the ambulance at the hospital. 

The good news is that all of the tests for serious things like a stroke or a brain tumor came back negative. 

The bad news is that they have no idea what caused it. 

Winter is a tough time for those of us who battle depression. I take a daily antidepressant but in the winter I take and extra one (thanks to daylight savings time) called Wellbutrin. 

They told me in the ER that Wellbutrin can cause seizures. 

I did a little reasearch and discovered that 4 out of every 1,000 people taking Wellbutrin will suffer seizures. I stopped taking it immediately. 

But, based on a study published in the the American Academy of Neurology patients who had Covid-19 were 55% more likely to develop epilepsy or seizures in the six months following Covid infection vs patients who had influenza. 

Well, I had Covid the week before Thanksgiving 2022. That was only two months ago. 

I was told to make a follow up appointment with a neurologist...I did. The earliest I can get in is March. 

Hurry up and wait. 

In the meantime I will follow up with my general practitioner and pray that this was one and done...forever. 

Just Be Quiet!

I recently heard a story about a woman who told a co-worker that she'd been diagnosed with breast cancer. The co-worker responded with, "Wow my friend's mom died from breast cancer."

OMG!!!! 

Really?! 

There are so many things that you can say to a woman when she tells you that she's been diagnosed with breast cancer. 

Immediately responding with a death comment is NOT one of them. 

Other things that one should refrain from saying are, "They're just boobs. Since your kids are grown you don't even need them anymore. You'll get a free boob job. Now you can have the boobs you've always wanted. You should...whatever" Save the advice for when you are asked. 

Times like that silence truly is a virtue. 

What should you say?

How about: 

• I'm so sorry.
• What is your treatment plan?
• I'd like to arrange a meal train after your surgery
• I can help you with childcare
• Are you all set for transportation?
• If you ever just want to vent I'm here for you. 
• I have a friend who just went through this can I connect you? 

Although breast cancer patients may have identical diagnoses, patients react differently to the treatments and one size does not fit all. Many of the emotions a patient experiences can be very similar but others can be polar opposites. Experiences may be similar but no two are identical. The most a patient can hope for is to find a kindred spirit who feels what they feel. 

Speaking to someone who has "been there, done that" can be helpful for a couple of reasons: 

• Speaking to a survivor breeds hope
• Only another patient can truly understand what the person is experiencing physically and mentally
• Having walked the path before them can offer advice that comes from first-hand experience
• Often a patient doesn't have to describe what they feel the other person knows and can often verbalize what the "newbie" has yet to flesh out. 

Have you ever met someone who went through a similar experience to whatever you were going through at the moment and they say something that describes the thoughts that have been swirling through your brain but haven't yet been able to verbalize? 

It feels like they could read your mind and put your thoughts into words. 

It's a miraculous moment. 

Connection at a time when life feels like its unraveling is vital because it's grounding. 

Being told that you have cancer is horrific. Because of my family history with it I was not shocked but that does not mean that it wasn't terrifying. Being able to speak to someone that has already walked the path is comforting. 

It's the reason that 12 Step programs like AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) work so well. 

The flellowship of AA is just as important as the actual steps. Being with others who know exactly what you are going through is life altering. Not having to constantly fish for words that descibe feelings takes a weight of one's shoulders and allows the person to "just be." 

I belong to a group on facebook for breast cancer patients. These women were lifesaving in the early days of my diagnosis and treatment. There is so much to learn and understand overnight. I didn't have to give background, I could just pop on, post a question or say how I was feeling and BAM immediately they would begin responding. They knew exactly how I felt.

To this day, I can't put into words the level of comfort that it would give me.

I didn't have to explain anything, listen to horrifying stories of dead loved ones or respond to insensitive comments. 

If you don't know what to say, then just say so! 

Don't try to come up with something cute or offer advice on traveling a path you have never walked. It just makes you look like a know it all and, frequently, stupid! 

Mark Twain put it best, "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to talk and remove all doubt." 

When in doubt, say nothing.