I am blessed. Really, really blessed.
I didn't just survive cancer, I have beaten it.
"The biopsy was malignant." Are four words that stike fear in those of us who have received the call.
Given my family's pathology, the call was no surprise but it was no less terrifying. In fact, my oncologist says that my family history makes her toes curl.
Overnight I went from only knowing the difference between benign and malignant to a functional knowledge of ductal, invasive ductal and lobular cancers.
The learning curve was severe but necessary.
Knowledge really is key in the fight against cancer.
I am not one to take things strictly at face value. I do my research, speak to others who have walked the path and find as much information as I can process. I prefer information and facts vs how I might feel about something.
Probably why I despise the "talking heads" on TV. They play on emotion a little too much for me!
Anyway...
The beast is beaten into remission.
I have won!
However...
Far, far in the recesses of my brain there is a small molecule of doubt, worry, anxiety.
All the "what if" questions live there.
I can't quote scripture. I have a horrible memory for scripture, song lyrics or most other quotes...but I'm really good with jokes!
And, I have faith.
It's so hard to put into words.
Dictionary.com defines Faith as: "complete trust or confidence in someone or something."
That someone or something is God.
"God's got this" is what plays through my head and heart the most.
According to the American Cancer Society, 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer and of those 1 in 39 will die. While deaths from breast cancer have decreased by 43% it's still going to take more than 43,000 women in the US each year.
I don't know why I was spared but I have faith that God's got this.
However, I still ask, "Why?"
Why was I chosen to live? Why me?
I don't know if I am currently living God's plan or if I will be called into service in the future. Was my purpose to bring humor into the chemo center? Is it so that I can share my experience?
I don't know.
Many will say that it doesn't matter and that what matters is that I did beat it and can continue living but I believe that it's bigger than "just living."
Millions of people will be diagnosed and many won't survive.
In fact, last week I attended a celebration of life party with a man who was losing his battle with pancreatice cancer. I am so grateful for the opportunity to see him again and hug him one final time.
But, while talking he looked at me and asked, "How long has it been for you?"
I didn't realize what he was asking so I replied, "For what?"
He said, "Since you were diagnosed."
I felt like I'd been hit in the face with a 2x4.
I have never felt more horrible or more guilty than that very moment.
There I was standing in front of a man whose life was most likely down to hours explaining that it's been two years since I was diagnosed.
I wanted to crawl under a rock.
Survivor guilt is real!
I'm still reeling from it and find myself asking again, "Why was I chosen to live? Why me?"
Gary passed barely 24 hours after that party. I am grateful that he chose to spend time with the ones he loved and to see everyone one more time. His bravery in allowing people to see him during his last days was amazing.
His impact will be felt for years as will his loss.
I pray that my impact on those around me has been and will continue to be positive.
I may never know why I was spared but I will continue to do my best to continue to share the knowledge I have gained in this process and trust that God's got this.
