Robotic Box Checker

I thought I was going to get my drains out last week.

I was wrong. 

Unbeknownst to me, the total drainage per side needs to be below 30 cc per day for two days consecutively. Not knowing this, I arrived at the surgeon's office only to be informed, rather snippily by the nurse, that I was not going to be having them removed that day, the next day or probably not until the following week.

When I questioned why she said that I was draining more than 30cc's for the day. When I replied that I didn't know that she said, "I asked you when you called this morning." 

Technically she did. However, she did not ask, "Are you under 30cc's for the day?" What she asked was, "Are you under 30cc's?" I replied that when I emptied the drain that morning it was less than 20cc's. 

She got nippy. I got snippy right back and said, "You'll have to excuse me. This is the first time I've had my boobs cut off so I have no idea how things are supposed to work."

Then I had a massive meltdown... and the nurse got a lot nicer.

But, I still spent the day in bed crying. I was devastated. 

The drains hurt. 

I mentioned previously that the drain on the right was killing me. It was super painful and as it healed it got worse. Add suction pain to the drain pain and I was completely miserable. Seriously, it felt like my skin was being sucked into my chest. 

Sleeping has been nearly impossible which has contributed to my deteriorating emotional state and increased depression. Two antidepressants a day did little to help me. 

Don't get me wrong, I could and did, push through most days but all it would take was a pin to drop and I was off and blubbering again. 

I'm not the worst at asking for help but I'm not the best either. 

Fortunately for us, people have been better at helping than I have been at asking. 

Dinner has been delivered every other night by an army of friends and neighbors. The kids have had transportation provided and extra play time at friend's houses so I could rest and my staff has been UNBELIEVABLE! 

Honestly, I couldn't ask for better employees! I want to go into detail about these women but I will save that for another day and give them the full post they deserve. 

Fast forward to this week and my drains were removed on Wednesday...finally. 

We arrived at the surgeon's office and checked in. 

The nurse (same one) came around the corner and told Glenn that he couldn't come in. I responded with another  massive meltdown...like snot bubble, hyperventilate meltdown. 

Persistent pain is exhausting. I was worn out and clearly incapable of controlling my emotions.

Fortunately she relented, let him come with me and my drains were removed. 

The left one was uncomfortable but the right (the one that's hurt the whole time) hurt like hell! The nurse had to stop halfway through removing it so I could take a break. 

She also removed the steri-strips from the surgery and it looks so good! The incision is still a little wrinkly but it's flattening out a little each day. 

I did apologize for being such a nut job in the waiting room. She told me it was ok and went on to explain that since she was in the room alone she was afraid of having my husband pass out (something that has happened with spouses before) and she would not be able to take care of him and pull the drains at the same time. 

She told me I didn't need to apologize but I did again anyway. I do feel badly. 

Without the drains in, both my demeaner and my range of motion are improving. I'm not crying at everything and I even helped on some of the cakes this week! 

Maybe I'll even be able to fold the massive pile of clean laundry that has accumulated in the house. 

Yippee. <snark>

Glenn washes and dries but doesn't fold. 

After lunch we met with my oncologist, Dr. Tedeschi at Penn Medicine. 

Before the doctor came in a technician came to take my weight, temp, oxygen level etc. then began asking the barrage of general questions. The best one was, "Are you experiencing pain?" Glenn snorted, I laughed and said, "I just had my drains removed, so today is probably not the day to ask." She looked at me like a deer in headlights and asked, "So you have pain?" I replied, "Yeah, yeah I have pain." 

Then she asked...

Wait for it...

...

"Where?"

"Where they cut my boobs off!" I snarked. 

Really?!

C'mon people! I understand that these are trained individuals but seriously, can we bring back common sense?! They are not just trained but over-trained an incapable or not allowed to think for themselves. 

It was like speaking with a robotic box-checker. 

The Oncologist was a different story! I really like her. She is smart, funny, compassionate and has common sense! 

She didn't brush my concerns aside about having two businesses and needing to be as available as possible. When discussing the chemo schedule and possible side effects she made the suggestion of Fridays for infusion. This way if I have a negative reaction to the chemo my down days would be Sunday and Monday when the store is closed anyway and I wouldn't have to worry about finding someone to cover my hours. If it goes well and I feel up to it, I can have the infusion in the morning and then work in the afternoon! 

If I don't have any reaction to the chemo, I can switch my infusion days to Tuesdays in Kennett Square vs Friday's in West Chester. The difference in drive time is about 25 minutes each direction so being able to move to Kennett Square would be fantastic! 

Dr. Tedeschi did say that I would probably lose my hair. I replied, "Well, a summer without shaving can't be all bad right?!" She looked me in the eyes, smiled and said, "I like you. We're going to get along really well." 

I know for some losing their hair can be very traumatic. Truth be told? I'm sort of looking forward to not having hair. I've had a life-long love/hate relationship with the stuff. It is extremely frizzy. I once even had a hairdresser refer to it as fuzzy! Not having to deal with it at all might be a welcomed change for a few months. 

Now onto the chemo regimen....

I will be having Taxol + Herceptin infused via a port once a week for 12 weeks and then just the Herceptin once every three weeks for the remainder of the year. 

Many people are familiar with the chemo cocktail of ACTH. This stands for chemotherapy medicines Adriamycin, Cytoxan (chemical name: cyclophosphamide), and Taxotere (chemical name: docetaxel), plus Herceptin.

ACT is much more harsh than just the Taxol and comes with so many more side effects. I am feeling very lucky. Studies have shown that, in patients with clear nodes and a mass less than 2 cm, there is no benefit in receiving the ACT with H and that Taxol plus Herceptin is just as effective. Had the mass been larger or the nodes hadn't been clear my treatment would be the ACTH. 

Chemo will start on June 25. 

When we walked through the door after the appointments on Wednesday the boys greated us with, "Did they take them out?" I pulled my shirt up to show them that the tubes were indeed gone. They both cheered enthusiastically and for the first time in almost two weeks I got to fully hug my kids. 

Something I hope to be doing for many, many, many years to come. 

A Carpenter's Dream

Warning, There are post surgical pictures in this post. 

Surgery went great. 

Even my pre-op anxiety wasn’t as horrible is it normally can be. Most likely because I talked about it...to everyone! 

The morning was a little insane. We left the house late, hit traffic and arrived at the hospital late. So late, in fact, that registration called to make sure I was on the way 🤦‍♀️ 

After they took me into the pre-op room, I got changed, threw out my bra and they took my vitals. The doctor came in to see me, review what was going to be done and answer questions. Then I waited for about an hour to go to nuclear medicine to get injections in the cancer boob so they knew where the sentinel nodes were. 

The trip from pre-op to nuke med was interesting. Nuke med is in the old building of the hospital and pre-op is in the new wing. I was literally wheeled down main hallways. Never one to miss an opportunity, I was waving at people like I was in a parade. 

I’d be lying if I said the injections didn’t hurt like hell. My doctor said they shouldn’t be bad, other cancer patients said to prepare for the pain. Glad I was prepared! 

By now I was winding up and could feel it so when the “Happy Juice Guy” aka anesthesiologist came in I asked for something. They gave me a little Ativan to help me relax. It worked. 

Next thing I knew I was I’m my room waking up. I got to see Glenn before he went home to be with the boys. 

In addition to the nuke med that lit up my nodes, my breasts were injected with a blue dye so they knew where all the tissue was that needed to be removed. We were told that the dye would make my pee blue and they were not kidding!! 

I am the consumate boy mom who appreciates a good "Wooooow!" moment. After I peed the first time that night I had the nurse give me my phone so I could take a picture of it. Seriously, it was way darker than I anticipated. I sent the picture to Glenn and the boys and we all had a great laugh. 

The rest of the night was uneventful, I got some good sleep and my doctor even had to wake me up the next morning when she came in to check me out. 

A hematoma had developed on the right side so she had to press on the skin to move the fluid to the drain tube. Fun fact: when they cut off the boobs they take the nerves so, although she had to push on my chest, I could only feel pressure not pain! 

I was discharged that afternoon and headed home to relax. 

On the way out I was being wheeled past the nurses station and one of them said, "You need to wave on he way out, you waved on the way in." 

I can totally see myself doing that...So I waved good-bye. 

Since I opted to not have reconstruction I do not have expanders in my chest. Pain is minimal and controlled with just Acetaminophen (Tylenol). 

The drains...Ugh! 

I know these things are necessary but man are they a pain in the ass! 

The tubes come out just below where the bottom of my breast was and the tube wraps up into the skin area in a big circle. The part of the drain that is under the skin is perforated to allow the fluids to drain into the bulb (referred to a grenade at the nurses station :) and the tube is so much longer than I thought it would be! 

There is a plug at the top of the bulb that I open to empty out the fluid into a measuring cup so I can record the amounts and then the bulb gets squeezed before the plug is put back in. Doing this creates a suction that draws the fluid out of my body. 

As heal I form clots that are a total pain to remove from the lines. Sometimes they move themselves sometimes they don't. 

The compression bra they gave me was too tight. The band around the bottom had to be cut so that it wouldn't dig into my skin and some jackass decided that since it's a bra it had to have lace around the edges.

Seriously...Lace? WTF?!  On a good day lace can cause chaffing. Why the hell would someone put it on a post-surgical garment?! No doubt someone that has never had this particular surgery and didn't have to be in the thing 24/7. 

The other added benefit of the lace is that it gets stuck in the velcro. Because, you know, when you have tubes hanging out of your body AND limited arm motion you want to have to detangle the lace from the velcro at the top of the already uncomfortable bra! 

Anyway...

This is how the drain looks under my skin on the left side of my chest. 

There is some bruising (remember no nerves, no pain), which is to be expected but the incisions are amazing! I am so happy with the way everything looks. As the fluid decreases things are flattening out. 

One friend even told me I'm his "favorite 2x4"...

Flat as a board! 

OMGness! I am so glad I wasn't drinking when I got that text or I would have spewed magic bean water out of my nose. 

Mom told my that makes me a Carpenter's Dream! LOL

I wish I could say that the worst is over but unfortunately that is not the truth. Sadly, having my boobs cut off was the easy part. 

Chemo looms on the horizon. 

I will most likely feel sick and lose my hair. They will give me anti-nausea meds to help with the tummy issues but, I gotta tell you, the thought of a summer without the need to shave is a bit exciting. 'Cause you know that you don't just lose the hair on the head...

Yeah...NO BIKINI RAZOR RASH!!! 

Talk about a silver lining!

If I look hard enough there is always something good. 

What's been the best part of this so far? 

Love.

So many people have sent encouraging messages, prayers, gifts, flowers and have jumped in to help us out. We don't have to worry about food for weeks, the kids transportation is arranged and nurse friends have come over to check out my incisions and drain tube areas to make sure that everything is ok and there are no infections. 

As a result of all the prayers, love and support we've received I've been able to heal at a very rapid rate. 

We are blessed. 

Almost Time

Tomorrow is the big day. 

I’m very excited to get this behind me  

There is an otherworldly stress that comes with knowing that cancer is growing side your body as you wait for surgery. 

It’s not like it stops growing once the biopsy results come in. 

Cancer is the nastiest bitch. It does what it wants, when it wants and how it wants. 

I’m also interested in finding out how much they weigh. LOL. 

All my life I’ve had small boobies until menopause. Yup, they didn’t exactly grow I just gained menopause weight and they got bigger. 

Add in stress eating prior to surgery and I’m the largest I’ve ever been. I was going to try to get things under control before surgery but that stressed me out too. 

Something had to give so I just said screw it and ate what I wanted. 

I imagine that this week I won’t have much of an appetite so it’ll be a bit easier to get back on track. 

Last night friends and family joined me for a Boob Voyage party. 

Yes you read that correctly!!! 

What a blast!!! 

Seriously so very much fun. 

Thank you to everyone who came out to celebrate the start of the next chapter of my life. You have carried me for a month and a half and I can’t thank you enough. 

To those who have been praying, texting, sending cards, gifts and flowers. Your efforts mean the world to me. I have special and beautiful things that will keep me going when the days get dark. That brings a peace that cannot be described. 

To Jennifer thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Your decorations made my party unforgettable. 

I’m still laughing. 

Sucky Day

Today was an emotional roller coaster day and for no reason other than it just sucked. 

One minute I was ready to cry, the next I was ready to slap someone and then I'd be laughing about something. 

For. No. Reason! 

Well other than my whole world is going to change in six days. Yeah, that might have something to do with it. 

As if the roller coaster wasn't bad enough I was instructed by someone who meant well but told me to, "take a deep breath and count to 10." Really?! 

W. T. F?!?! 

This is not a patience thing. This is a massive body altering operation followed by chemo, which we all know sucks. I don't need patience I needed someone to say, "I'm so sorry. Days like this really do suck." 

Take a breath?! 

So I completely came unglued on the person. 

I then called them back to apologize and explain that in the future if you catch me in a mood like that giving me advice about calming down is the WORST thing a person could do. What I need in that moment is to be validated. 

As God is my witness, she replied with, "Well I do validate your feelings...but you do need to step back and take a breath." 

I hung up. 

I don't need advice. I didn't call for advice. I don't want advice. 

I needed a sounding board. I needed understanding. I needed someone who would take my mind off this mess and make me laugh. Change the subject. Talk about something stupid. Something menial whatever...just don't lecture. 

Yes, I am strong. Yes, I'm a fighter. Yes, I will get through this. 

Doesn't mean that I'm happy about it or that it will be a walk in the park. I do my best to stay in the here and now but sometimes what's coming pokes his head into my life to remind me that dark days are coming. 

Imagine being at the beach with a beautiful blue sky listening to the waves crash on the shore and a rain cloud suddenly comes over you and only you. Then it goes away, and comes back repeatedly. That was how I felt today. 

No amount of breathing made me feel better. And, well, I had to do it all day to stay alive. 

Having other cancer patients/survivors tell me they know how I feel made me feel better. 

Having people make me laugh makes the biggest impact! 

A friend messaged me today to see how I was and I replied, "It's an angry day. Some days are happy but today I just want to slap someone."

Later on when I left the shop to pick up the boys from school I got in my car, put the key in the ignition to start the car and found this on my windshield. 

Oh how I love my friends. 

Keep me laughing gang. 

Pacifically

As I mentioned in my last post, there was a "spot" on my spine that showed up on my bone scan. 

That set off a chain reaction that left me in bed all day on Saturday bawling my eyes out. 

It was bound to happen eventually and I did feel a little better afterwards. We really do need a good cry from time to time. 

A friend calls these Cancer Sucks days. 

So let me back track a bit here...

Got the bone scan results that said there was something there but felt that it was most likely degeneration. Then I had the breast MRI that showed the tumor being significantly larger than what they saw in the mammogram...I'll get to that shortly. 

My surgeon wanted to make sure that the spine thing wasn't a huge issue so she ordered an MRI. The insurance company declined to authorize it because I hadn't had an x-ray, because paying for an unnecessary x-ray makes sense, so I had an x-ray and that showed something there too. 

That was on Friday...then I waited again. 

The weight of what might be in my spine hit me on Saturday while I was out delivering cakes and I had a total meltdown. I got someone to cover my shift at the store, went home, crawled under the covers and stayed there crying and napping all day. 

Part of my pity party was because I hate pity parties!! The other was because I am competely powerless and felt like I was taking two steps back for every step forward. It's a roller coaster I wouldn't wish on anyone.

My prayers were frantic. I couldn't put a cohesive thought together and just kept saying, "God's got this." Honestly, I really do believe that but I got into my head and started the "what if I have bone cancer" game. Fortunately, the Lord knows my heart and even when I am depressed, angry or frustrated he really is holding me up. 

But, it doesn't mean I can't be pissed off or that I don't need a good cry! 

I managed to pull myself together in time to eat dinner then went back to bed. 

Monday rolled around and I met with the genetic counselor. It probably wasn't a waste of time, but it felt like it was. I had my mom's genetic report with me and after the counselor looked at it she said, "Your mom was negative for all seven of the genes that she was tested for. You most likely won't have the BRCA gene which is fantastic." I replied, "Well, considering that I have breast cancer it doesn't really matter now does it?" 😳

The appointment consisted of me telling the counselor my family history while she drew a flow chart. We have an $80 copay for specialists. So, I paid $80 for someone to write down my horrible family cancer history. I am a candidate for genetic testing but it's more money and well...it's more money. 

The worst part of the appointment was that no one bothered to tell me that I was going to be meeting with this counselor in an infusion center. The waiting room was filled with a plethora of other cancer patients in various stages of treatment. To get into the counselor's office I had to walk through the actual infusion area which I was definitely not ready for. I know, I know, I'll be there eventually and at that time I'll know I'm walking into an infusion center. It really was traumatic.  

That afternoon the radiologist's report came in confirming what the more advanced bone scan had already found. Although both radiologists felt it was degenerative, because of my breast cancer, they recommended an MRI with and without contrast. 

My nurse navigator got me right into Jennersville for an MRI on Tuesday afternoon. By this point I've had blood drawn, a nuclear injection for the bone scan and the injection for the contrast for the breast MRI all in my right arm. I had the nurse give me the injection for the contrast in my left arm and well, now I look like a junkie. 

Hot! 

Both the radiologist at Jennersville and the radiologist at Penn Medicine have read the MRI and confirmed that there is no cancer on my spine...it's arthritis. Yay for getting older. 

I met with my surgeon yesterday morning and surgery is confirmed for Monday, May 17. I won't know the time until the Friday before. 

She will be performing a double mastectomy with sentinel node biopsy. I have requested that she do an aesthetic flat closure that leaves no spare skin as I will not be having reconstruction. Surgery is expected to last approximately four hours depending on the sentinel node biopsies. If it comes back clear we are good to go. If not she'll have to take more. 

Now let's back up to the breast MRI...

The tumor was larger for a couple of reasons: 1. They can see it 3D in the breast MRI where the Mammogram is flat, because...that's how they make your boobs. 2. I have both invasive and non-invasive cancers in my right breast. Until they breach the duct walls and invade the breast tissue they are contained which means they are currently non-invasive. Non-invasive is considered Stage 0. 

All together the tumor is 6 cm but only 2 cm are invasive so I don't need chemo before surgery. If the invasive stuff was 4 cm or more, I'd do chemo first to shrink it and then have the surgery. 

In my last post I mentioned HER2. HER2-positive breast cancer is a breast cancer that tests positive for a protein called human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2). This protein promotes the growth of cancer cells. In about 1 of every 5 breast cancers, the cancer cells have extra copies of the gene that makes the HER2 protein.

Evidently, I'm the one out of five. 

Winner! 

Ugh! 

Now that we know I am HER2 positive my chemo plan will be a little more aggresive and I will be given Herceptin via infusion for a year. HER2 inhibitors work against HER2-positive breast cancers by blocking the ability of the cancer cells to receive chemical signals that tell the cells to grow.

Of course the actual chemo plan won't be confirmed until after surgery and the pathology comes back. 

In the meantime, I started taking Reishi mushrooms. A friend also gave me a book called Medicinal Mushrooms. It is an easy read and fascinating! Reishi mushrooms are really bitter but the good news is that I can put the tincture in my coffee and can't taste it! 

Clinical studies with Reishi have found that patients have a better response to chemo while using it and if stay with it my immune system will be stronger too. I bought dried ones and decocted them. In order to decoct them I had to boil them for an hour then strain off the water and squeeze out the mushroom. They never got soft but I did get lost of "juice" that I was able to use this week. I have run out of the juice so I'll be going to The Woodlands at Phillips Mushrooms Farms to buy some other mushrooms until the ones I ordered arrive. They sell the book there too if you are interested. 

And, if all this wasn't already enough to digest, our central AC decided to quit this week! I mean when you have a family medical deductible of $9,000 (thanks for that Obama) what's another $5,000 right? 

Yup! So we are weighing our options and will most likely replace both the AC and furnace. Both are more than 20 years old and it would be at least $1800 just for the freon because they use new stuff now. If we have to do one we might as well bite the proverbial bullet and do them both. But seriously...Now? 

Managing stress has been crazy hard this week. Thankfully God blessed me with two of the most amazing hysterical children in the world. They keep me on my toes and make me laugh. Today we were driving David to gymnastics and I challenged them to say Irish Wrist Watch five times fast. The result had me laughing so hard I had tears streaming down my cheeks. 

Daniel then said, "I want Kieran to try this." David asked, "Why pacifically Kieran?" Daniel yelled, "PACIFIC IS AN OCEAN."

I came really close to shooting coffee out my nose! 

BTW it was only last week that Daniel was also saying "pacifically." 

Thanks for the laughs guys...I really needed them this week! 

Patience...

...is a virtue I lack. 

Everything involved with this process involves waiting and it is beyond stressful. 

Have a test? 

Wait for the result. 

Have a question? 

Wait for the reply. 

Follow up with the doctor? 

Wait for that appointment. 

Want to schedule surgery? 

You'll have to wait a few weeks to get on the roster. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAH! 

I do have a surgery date though. 

May 17, 2021 will be the day I go in for the double mastectomy.

Yes, I have to wait another 18 days for that too! 

But...

No more bras!!!! 

I decided that I am definitely not interested in having the reconstruction done as the statistics for additional surgeries/failure are really high. Instead, I have a beloved friend who has agreed to design a chest tattoo for me. 

I am so excited and can't wait to see what she creates!!! 

In the meantime, we are still waiting for the Her2 pathology. 

What is HER2?

The human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2) gene is responsible for producing HER2 proteins. HER2 proteins are present on the surface of some breast cancer cells. When they’re activated, they signal breast cancer cells to divide and multiply. 

Normally, HER2 proteins regulate and control the growth of breast cells. But when the HER2 gene is mutated, which is the case in about 1 in every 5 cases of breast cancer, it makes too many HER2 proteins. This results in breast cells growing and dividing out of control.

So you can see why this is important pathology! 

I had a bone scan that showed a weird thing with my spine that the radiologist says is most likely degeneration but it also is in the area where I had a spinal fusion in 1990. I will have to have a CT scan to double check and rule out anything else. 

Next week I meet with a genetic counselor but I'm not entirely sure why and I will also see my surgeon again to go over the tests and discuss surgery. Hopefully, we'll have the Her2 back. 

With the surgery date set, I have begun to prep. 

My employees (greatest people on the face of the earth BTW) are  ready to jump in and do whatever is necessary. My business partner has been training extra people to cover shifts in our store and I have added a ton of people to the pick-up list at the kids’ school. 

After surgery it will be a minimum of two weeks before I can really do anything so another friend and pink ribbon sister has set up a Take Them A Meal link for people to help out. This is the link if you would like to sign up. https://takethemameal.com/FYPS6898  

Countless numbers of people have offered assistance for things from folding our laundry (you are saints) to transporting the boys to their activities. Even my hubby’s employer told him to take whatever time he needs. 

No matter what, this is a crappy situation but the outpouring of love and support has blessed us with peace of mind and we couldn’t ask for more!  

Until next time ladies...

Check your Tits!

As you most likely know by now I was diagnosed with Invasive or Infiltrating Duct Carcinoma two weeks ago. I am now stuck in the hell hole called waiting.

I see the plastic surgeon on Wednesday 4/21, Bone Scan is 4/26 and Breast MRI is 4/28.

Hurry up and wait. Right?

I am a stage one but have a grade two cancer. Meaning...right now it's contained within my breast but is growing moderately fast.

Knowing that the cancer is continuing to grow while I wait to see doctors and get tests done is easily the most stress inducing thing I've endured.

I know that feeling this way is normal, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I was discussing my cancer/prognosis with a friend and told her that I'd posted the news on Facebook and she replied, "Really? Why would you do that?"

Why? Because I have friends all over this country and just couldn't possibly call everyone.

Why? Because this is some serious shit. While the cancer is stage one and was caught early it is a moderately fast growing carcinoma that if undetected could easily have been worse. People need to be educated and most people don't think it will get them until it hits someone they know.

Why? Because nothing, absolutely nothing good grows in the dark. I'm not a secretive person unless I have to be. I meet obstacles head on and don't waste time on BS.

Why? Because I'm going to need help at some point and if people know what is going on they will be more likely to help when asked. I also know that I can get stuck in my own head and asked for people to keep the pity low and humor high. It will help me deal on the bad days.

Why? Because, despite all that is wrong with Facebook it is an excellent forum to educate. Another friend said recently, "For some reason God needs you to educate the rest of us on boobs." I will gladly carry the torch of education especially if it helps save others. If you haven't done it yet, make the mammogram appointment. You HAVE to have a baseline so the doctors know what's there and if something changes. Do mammograms hurt? Hell yes! But it's temporary.

Why? Because DNA. Yeah this crap runs in my family. There is no amount of good eating or exercise that would prevent this. Know your family history. If you're not sure, ask!

Why? Because there is no morality involved in have breast cancer or any cancer for that matter. Boobs, ta tas, tits, breasts, jugs, knockers...whatever you call them are just part of our anatomy. They are nothing to be ashamed of and we need to be in touch with our own bodies so we know when something isn't right. Ladies, check your tits! This shit is real, sneaky, invasive and not something that can be ignored. Oh and the cancer can grow where you can't feel it so get the damn mommogram already.

Why? Because I care. A friend was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of years ago. She is fine but only because it was caught early. I was inspired by her to get my mammogram done as I'd been putting it off. As a result, they had a great baseline and when I went in three weeks ago they knew right away that something was wrong. Had this been my first time the wheels may have turned more slowly or I may have not taken it seriously at all. If sharing my experience saves others than my job was done.

Do I have a tough road ahead? Well, yeah I do but I have an amazingly supportive hubby, fantastic kids, a wonderful family, incredible staff, fabulous business partner and the greatest friends a girl could hope for. Last but certainly not least I have a loving God who has put all these people in my life to help lift me up and carry me when it gets tough. 

I am not alone and right now that is the best gift!

It will get tough, but we will get through this with love and laughter.

Oh...and don't forget the laundry...always laundry.

Traditions

If you have kids you know that that first year can be a little fuzzy.

With twins well, all I can say is I'm really glad I took a plethora of pictures. I barely remember any of it!

After the boys were born our first outing without them was to buy our Christmas tree. My mom came to the house while we ran to the local hardware store and purchased our tree from a Boy Scout Pack.

I think we were out of the house a total of 45 minutes.

My mom laughed at us when we returned.

The next year we went to a local tree farm with the boys in their double jogging stroller. It was a little hilly and tough to navigate but the large wheels on the stroller made it easier.

We were out of there very quickly. It was nice but not very memorable.

The following year we found Spruce Grove Tree Farm.

There was a tractor with trailer and hay bales in it that took us to and from the areas where the trees were ready.

There was an old fashioned sleigh for pictures, hot chocolate in the office and wreaths for sale in the barn.

Frank, the owner, is one of the nicest guys I've ever met. He was so excited to have the kids there and made us feel like family.

We didn't just show up, cut down a tree and go home.

We had an experience.

We've returned to Spruce Grove every year since and it just gets better and better.

This year the kids even got to try using the saw. It was so exciting for them to actually take part in cutting down the tree!

Daniel even yelled, "TIMBER!"

Well he got to about "Ti.." when it was down but it was exciting none-the-less.

I don't remember when, but years ago Frank added a fire pit and free marshmallows for toasting.

In fact, every year get's better and better. This year he added a small scale model train that the kids could ride, a huge tree swing as well as food for sale along with the usual popcorn and hot chocolate.

The sleigh has been moved to a place of prominence. The barn now has one of each species of evergreen available for sale and an employee reviews the trees with the customers so you know which field to go to. Wreaths are now in a temporary outbuilding along with other seasonal decor for sale.

Santa, with a real beard, was there for pictures and it didn't cost a dime!

Three years ago our nephew and his new wife came to go tree hunting with us. They didn't know that they were going to buy one but decided that they had to have the perfect tree for their first Christmas as Mr. & Mrs.

They have been coming back every year since.

As we were sitting around the fire pit today, my niece sighed. I looked at her and asked if she was ok and she said, "This is just such a cool place."

I agree.

We were there for two hours.

What was an experience is now a tradition.

We all have traditions. Some are carried out with enthusiasm others with eye-rolls.

I love traditions. Not just "that's the way we've always done it" stuff that comes with requisite eye-rolling but true traditions.

On Christmas morning we open stockings (ours are wrapped) then have breakfast before opening the presents. It keeps the day from rushing into a blur of torn wrapping paper. As a kid, I didn't like waiting to open my gifts.

As an adult, I love it.

Maybe it's because I'm getting older and know that time is fleeting.

I want to enjoy time with family, play games, go to aquariums, shows, movies, etc. and talk about how much fun we had.

Honestly, I just want to slow down.

There was a time in my life where stuff was my driving force. I thought that's what we were supposed to do.

Now I care about quality not quantity.

I don't want stuff that needs regular dusting, I want memories like the ones we made today.

We agreed we need to do this every year... forever.

It's a tradition.

It's Here

Holy moly has it really been two years since I've written a post! 

Life seems to have taken on a frantic pace lately. 

The kids are now in first grade, my business is insane, hubby travels a crazy amount of time and life seems to be passing in a blur. It's not just days that fly by but months and years. 

And now it's here. 
The day I dread all year long. 

Nine years ago today my father took his final breath and his soul departed this earth. It happened at 5:12 am with me by his side.

Every year as we approach the date I get more and more depressed. No amount of anti-depressants, working out or light therapy can help me. I just have to get through it.

I stay busy, the Quaker in dad would be proud, but I am still sad.

And, I always miss him.

People love to throw out platitudes like, "He's always with you."

Yup.

So is his loss and the memory of what is referred to as the "death rattle" every time he took a breath in his last few hours.

It's a sound that I will never forget. 

I do try to concentrate on the good. I love to talk about him, tell stories about him all the time and now I find myself sounding just like him. 

"Money doesn't grow on trees. It costs money to keep the lights on!" 

Pretty sure it's the phrase I heard the most growing up and now I sound like him. 

As our boys get older, my dad makes more and more sense.

You were right dad. 

Especially about the light switches.

Bucket List

Earlier this year I set a "bucket list" goal for myself of completing a triathlon.

To help hold my feet to the fire, I posted it on Facebook!

Logo from the River Valley Athletic Club

I was immediately hit with a variety of comments from "good for you" to seasoned Ironman competitors offering advice.

I reached out so some of the people that I knew were most accomplished and listened intently to what they had to say.

The most important message was not to get caught up in the stuff! I didn't need one of everything "tri" to get started.

All I really needed was a two-piece tri suit and sports bra, a bike, helmet and running shoes with lock laces and the "best $10 I'd ever spend" race belt. Thanks to Amazon, I was able to gear up for approximately $100.

A two-piece tri suit is basically shorts, that are similar to bike shorts with a little padding to protect the girl bits, and a top. The top is a little tight to prevent chaffing, the sports bra (without padding) was necessary to hold the girls in place.

The helmet was required. Get on the bike before buckling the helmet and it's an automatic DQ! Running shoes are pretty self-explanatory and lock laces are elastic laces that you adjust once and then leave alone. They allow the runner to slip their foot into the shoe without have to tie a bow and they don't come untied.

The race belt is the schizz! Without the belt the competitor has to pin on their race number. One doesn't swim with their number on so when they get to the transition area they have to put on a shirt that has four little tiny safety pins on it and hope that none of the pins pops open in the process. The belt I chose is elastic, has a buckle and takes about 2 seconds to clip on. Definitely a worthy expenditure.

The first triathlon I did was at Lum's Pond in Bear, DE. Lum's Pond might be one of the dirtiest bodies of water I've ever been in.

Seriously.

Imagine a large puddle filled with goose poop and yeah, that's Lum's.

Having done no open water swim prior to the race I ended up on my back multiple times and did breast stroke more times than I can count. I've never been so happy to touch the bottom in my life! This is a big deal since I have a fear of my feet touch the bottom when I can't see through the water.

The bike on that course was only 10 miles and was pretty flat. But, I still huffed and puffed like the wolf in the Three Little Pigs!

My "Why the heck did I think
this would be fun?" face.

The "run" was terrible. I've never liked running. I'm not good at it and I always feel like I'm going to keel over. I couldn't get my legs to get going. I'd walk and then jog and then walk and then jog.

Making matters worse, I also battle exercise induced asthma and guess what kicked in on the run?

Yep!

I'd been having to use my inhaler during every workout so I was prepared with it tucked into the pocket in the back of my shorts.

All the difficulty aside I finished the race, was not last in my age group and substantially beat my practice time!

To say that I was hooked was an understatement.

The first two races I did on a borrowed hybrid bike with road tires on it. It was lots of work to get up hill on a bike that was not designed for racing!

But guess what? That second race I placed third in my age group and made the podium!

Not me :)

Through a multitude of online sales websites I found a used road bike in great condition at a price that I could afford. I named him Antonio.

Because, who wouldn't want to ride Antonio all the time? Ha!

This winter I plan to have him tuned up and new handlebar tape put on.

My most recent acquisition is a set of clip on aero bars. These bars allow a rider to be in a more aerodynamic position and it's more comfortable.

There are lots of different triathlon distances. Don't ask me what they are. I do Sprints.  A sprint is basically a "half triathlon." There is nothing about this that feels  like "half" of anything to me.

The swim is generally 750 meters, and the bike distance has varied from 10 to 15 miles. The run has pretty much been a 5k or 3.1 miles.

I don't run...yet. I'm more of a jogger.

I'm working on it but I'm just not there yet. The fastest I've been able to go is 10:16 a mile and that was on a treadmill. By the spring I want to be below a 10 minute mile.

My run today was not my best.

After the EMTs cleaned me up.

At my previous triathlon I caught my foot on a rock getting out of the water, smashed my big toe and second toe so badly that I lost most of the big toenail and my running has been limited because it freaking hurts! Anytime I ran it would take me days to recover from the pain. As a result I was not able to train the way I had planned.

Now that my season is over I can just swim and bike and let my toes heal.

I am really loving this sport and the people that I've met.

From the seasoned athletes to the novice who barely knows how to swim everyone is willing to jump in and lend a hand.

All one has to do is ask.

A month ago I posted on a triathlon page that I needed a wetsuit for the race today and a woman I have never met offered to let me borrow hers. She actually owns three and allowed me to borrow all of them to see which one fit the best.

Having never put on a wetsuit before I opened You Tube to see how to do this. After watching about three videos I decided that I would give it a shot and headed up to the bedroom with the three wetsuits in tow.

I did it wrong.

I managed to get about a 1/3 of the way into it, got stuck while sitting on the floor. It was on enough that I couldn't get up and was flopping around on the bedroom floor like a dying seal on the beach.

I was stuck.

I started to giggle.

The giggling turned to hysterical laughter.

Hubby hollered upstairs to see if I was ok.

I replied, "No" which brought him up to the bedroom.

Standing in the doorway he asked me what I was doing. Between giggles I told him that I was trying to try on the wetsuit. He replied, "That's not how you do it."

I hadn't noticed.

He let me flop around for a moment (I would have done the same) before rescuing me and helped me into and out of all three suits. I can get that sucker on in record time now!

I'll be returning the wetsuits this week and going back to just doing laps in the pool at the health club.

Yeah, so now I need a wetsuit.

I have just finished my fourth, and final triathlon, for the season.

So much for just being a "bucket list" item, huh?

I finished fourth out of a class of nine. Totally rocked the swim! My time on the swim was 14:28 which put me at 2 for my age group. Bested my bike time by 40 seconds a mile and,  despite the pain in my foot, finished the run at 12 minutes a mile.

I am days away from turning 51, am the mom of twin four-year-olds and, like lots of busy moms had let myself go since the kids were born. When I started this I couldn't run a mile, had to stop and catch my breath after two laps in the pool and it took more than an hour to ride 10 miles...in the spin spinroom. My breathing was completely out of control and I was over-weight.

I am not a young mom with lots of time to raise children. Who knows how long I'll be around. All I know is that I'm giving it my best shot while trying to set a good example for my kids. Hopefully, a couple of years from now the boys will be able to join me on the course!

Until then, I'm going to keep "tri-ing!"

After my third triathlon. I finished the race and then asked the EMTs
to clean out my cuts so they wouldn't get infected.