Purpose

I never imagined that I'd end up in a position where I would need a Medical ID/Warning bracelet...

But, here I am. 

Did you know that once lymph nodes have been removed from an armpit that arm can never be used for blood pressure, IVs, injections etc? 

Why? 

It could cause Lymphedema. 

Yeah, I didn't know what that was either. 

According to the Mayo Clinic: "Lymphedema refers to tissue swelling caused by an accumulation of protein-rich fluid that's usually drained through the body's lymphatic system. It most commonly affects the arms or legs, but can also occur in the chest wall, abdomen, neck and genitals.

Lymph nodes are an important part of your lymphatic system. Lymphedema can be caused by cancer treatments that remove or damage your lymph nodes. Any type of problem that blocks the drainage of lymph fluid can cause lymphedema."

Anyone can develop lymphedema but the likelihood of it happening to a cancer patient who has had nodes removed is much greater. 

I knew when I went in for treatments to make sure they don't take blood pressure on my right side and I can't have blood work done there either but it never dawned on me that I should get a bracelet until I was told about a post in my support group but my chemo buddy Christina. 

What if something happened and I wasn't conscious to tell the professionals not to touch my right arm?! 

I went to a Bove Jewelers in Kennett Square, PA, looked through the catalog, found a bracelet I'd be comfortable wearing and placed the order. 

It arrived last week and looks great! 

The front says Lymphedema. On the back it says, "No blood test, blood pressure, no IV or injections in this arm"

When I asked what I owed, the owner Bob Strehlau looked at me and said, "You've been through enough, it's our gift to you." 

I cried and hugged him. What a beautiful and generous gift! 

The past 11 months of our lives have been insane. I'm looking forward to the day they become a distant memory. That being said I have made some new friends, tightened bonds with others and have learned that there are few things that I value more than prayer. 

I don't talk about my relationship with Jesus much because I struggle with putting my feelings into words. 

There is an idescribable level of peace that comes with knowing that God has a greater purpose for our struggles than just making us struggle. 

Few things grow in complacency.

The times in my life where I have grown the most were some of the most difficult ones. At the time it was horrible, looking back it was necessary. 

Whether it was my own health or my husband's, there were many people who called to pray with me over the phone and we had prayer teams around the country praying for his recovery. 

A few years ago, during a sermon, pastor Johnny said, "People always say the God doesn’t give us more than we can handle but that is wrong.  God purposely gives us more than we can handle so that people turn to him."   

I can’t say that I know the exact purpose for Glenn to get hit so hard with covid but, while Glenn was fighting for his life, friends who are declared agnostics and atheists started praying. People who’d walked away from churches for a variety of reasons were praying. Not just to a “higher power” but to our Lord. 

People were united in one purpose, praying to one God. 

Our God. 

Beauty from ashes. 

I am grateful to God for saving my hubby. I am grateful that this experience pricked the heart’s of those who had turned away and they are turning back. 

And, I will forever be grateful to everyone for lifting us up in prayer. 

There is a profound level of peace in knowing that even when we felt like we couldn’t go on we were being carried by others. 

Powerless

Seems that this is the week for loss.

I recently posted about a former friend's father passing and now we have lost one of the greatest funny men and actors of all time: Robin Williams.

I remember when he took the world by storm on Mork & Mindy. Being a child of the 80s, I also remember watching countless comedy specials with him in them and even bought one of his albums!

I sat in the theater at the end of Dead Poets' Society with tears streaming down my face completely numbed and awed that the man who had made me laugh could act so brilliantly that he could also make me cry while simultaneously wanting to run out and take the world by storm.

Carpe Diem!

I too try to seize the day but it's not always possible because I too have depression.

I have battled it for years.

Most of the time I win but there are times that all I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up.

People who do not have or who have never been exposed to depression think that it's something you can control with sheer will.

They are wrong.

There are many types and severities of depression but few if any can be dealt with by physical exercise, a clean house, change of attitude or any other suggestion from someone who means well but is clueless.

This may come as a surprise to some, but I have been on antidepressants since May of 1999.

I originally began taking them as a means to help quit smoking. Once done, I stopped taking them, and sank into a depression that rendered me nearly helpless.

I began to cry...and couldn't stop.

My (then) husband got me to the doctor and I started on the antidepressants in earnest.

The only time I've been off them was while I was going through IVF to get pregnant. Which by the way made a miserable pregnancy even worse.

I know that I need them. I know that I'm better with them. I know that having to take them has nothing to do with who I am morally.

So why do I still hiccup when the topic comes up?

Because not everyone does.

People still think you can work off depression.

The only way that works is if you are unemployed and depressed as a result. If you get a job, yes you will feel better but that's situational depression and not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the chemical kind.

People still think that depression is "all in your head."

Well yes, but it's a synapse thing and nothing like what they think it is.

When the demon roars it's head I can feel the weight and gloom envelope me like a nasty, wet, woolen blanket that I can do nothing to keep from coming into contact with.

I am powerless to stop it.

It will bear down and stay until it dries out and I can push it off.

I am not weak and I don't do pity parties.

Depression has nothing to do with strength and "positive thinking."

Most days are very manageable. But then there are others...

My father passed away in December of 2010. In January, despite taking my daily dose of antidepressant, I had slipped into a depression where I started to cry and couldn't stop. It was lunchtime and I was behind the wheel of the car.

No knowing what else to do I started driving toward my doctor's office.

They were closed for lunch so I called a friend who stayed on the phone with me until the office opened.

Once I was able to get through to my doctor's office she got on the phone with me and stayed there until I walked into the office building.

There was nothing that day that triggered it. There was nothing I could have done to stop it. All I knew was that my doctor could help and my friend fights the beast too and would understand my panic.

I'd been down this road before.

I was terrified.

There is much talk about depression now that Robin Williams has committed suicide and I hope and pray that the conversation will last more than the standard 72 hours that most people seem to think is appropriate.

If we believe social media Robin is now "free" and "at peace." I'm not really sure about that.

Social media and religion also lead us to believe that our loved ones who have passed are "watching over us" and "always with us."

If that is the case and Robin is indeed "watching over" his family, I have no doubt that he is not at peace as he watches his family endure their pain as a result of his taking his own life.

There is no peace for anyone.

Suicide begets suicide.

Those who are "thinking about it" or that "have a plan" can easily be swayed to exercise that plan if they believe that their answers lie in their own death.

I ask that everyone be careful to not romanticize death or to act as if it's the answer.

It's not.

Be responsible and be proactive.

Don't wait for your friends or loved ones to call you. They won't.

Call them. Make sure they know you love them. That they are important to you. That they matter.

We'd all rather hear those things while we are alive than have it said as a eulogy.