Powerless

Seems that this is the week for loss.

I recently posted about a former friend's father passing and now we have lost one of the greatest funny men and actors of all time: Robin Williams.

I remember when he took the world by storm on Mork & Mindy. Being a child of the 80s, I also remember watching countless comedy specials with him in them and even bought one of his albums!

I sat in the theater at the end of Dead Poets' Society with tears streaming down my face completely numbed and awed that the man who had made me laugh could act so brilliantly that he could also make me cry while simultaneously wanting to run out and take the world by storm.

Carpe Diem!

I too try to seize the day but it's not always possible because I too have depression.

I have battled it for years.

Most of the time I win but there are times that all I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up.

People who do not have or who have never been exposed to depression think that it's something you can control with sheer will.

They are wrong.

There are many types and severities of depression but few if any can be dealt with by physical exercise, a clean house, change of attitude or any other suggestion from someone who means well but is clueless.

This may come as a surprise to some, but I have been on antidepressants since May of 1999.

I originally began taking them as a means to help quit smoking. Once done, I stopped taking them, and sank into a depression that rendered me nearly helpless.

I began to cry...and couldn't stop.

My (then) husband got me to the doctor and I started on the antidepressants in earnest.

The only time I've been off them was while I was going through IVF to get pregnant. Which by the way made a miserable pregnancy even worse.

I know that I need them. I know that I'm better with them. I know that having to take them has nothing to do with who I am morally.

So why do I still hiccup when the topic comes up?

Because not everyone does.

People still think you can work off depression.

The only way that works is if you are unemployed and depressed as a result. If you get a job, yes you will feel better but that's situational depression and not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the chemical kind.

People still think that depression is "all in your head."

Well yes, but it's a synapse thing and nothing like what they think it is.

When the demon roars it's head I can feel the weight and gloom envelope me like a nasty, wet, woolen blanket that I can do nothing to keep from coming into contact with.

I am powerless to stop it.

It will bear down and stay until it dries out and I can push it off.

I am not weak and I don't do pity parties.

Depression has nothing to do with strength and "positive thinking."

Most days are very manageable. But then there are others...

My father passed away in December of 2010. In January, despite taking my daily dose of antidepressant, I had slipped into a depression where I started to cry and couldn't stop. It was lunchtime and I was behind the wheel of the car.

No knowing what else to do I started driving toward my doctor's office.

They were closed for lunch so I called a friend who stayed on the phone with me until the office opened.

Once I was able to get through to my doctor's office she got on the phone with me and stayed there until I walked into the office building.

There was nothing that day that triggered it. There was nothing I could have done to stop it. All I knew was that my doctor could help and my friend fights the beast too and would understand my panic.

I'd been down this road before.

I was terrified.

There is much talk about depression now that Robin Williams has committed suicide and I hope and pray that the conversation will last more than the standard 72 hours that most people seem to think is appropriate.

If we believe social media Robin is now "free" and "at peace." I'm not really sure about that.

Social media and religion also lead us to believe that our loved ones who have passed are "watching over us" and "always with us."

If that is the case and Robin is indeed "watching over" his family, I have no doubt that he is not at peace as he watches his family endure their pain as a result of his taking his own life.

There is no peace for anyone.

Suicide begets suicide.

Those who are "thinking about it" or that "have a plan" can easily be swayed to exercise that plan if they believe that their answers lie in their own death.

I ask that everyone be careful to not romanticize death or to act as if it's the answer.

It's not.

Be responsible and be proactive.

Don't wait for your friends or loved ones to call you. They won't.

Call them. Make sure they know you love them. That they are important to you. That they matter.

We'd all rather hear those things while we are alive than have it said as a eulogy.