God's Got This

I am blessed. Really, really blessed.  

I didn't just survive cancer, I have beaten it. 

"The biopsy was malignant." Are four words that stike fear in those of us who have received the call. 

Given my family's pathology, the call was no surprise but it was no less terrifying. In fact, my oncologist says that my family history makes her toes curl. 

Overnight I went from only knowing the difference between benign and malignant to a functional knowledge of ductal, invasive ductal and lobular cancers. 

The learning curve was severe but necessary. 

Knowledge really is key in the fight against cancer. 

I am not one to take things strictly at face value. I do my research, speak to others who have walked the path and find as much information as I can process. I prefer information and facts vs how I might feel about something. 

Probably why I despise the "talking heads" on TV. They play on emotion a little too much for me! 

Anyway...

The beast is beaten into remission. 

I have won!

However...

Far, far in the recesses of my brain there is a small molecule of doubt, worry, anxiety. 

All the "what if" questions live there. 

This is where my faith fights my battles. 

I can't quote scripture. I have a horrible memory for scripture, song lyrics or most other quotes...but I'm really good with jokes! 

And, I have faith. 

It's so hard to put into words. 

Dictionary.com defines Faith as: "complete trust or confidence in someone or something."

That someone or something is God.  

"God's got this" is what plays through my head and heart the most. 

According to the American Cancer Society, 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer and of those 1 in 39 will die. While deaths from breast cancer have decreased by 43% it's still going to take more than 43,000 women in the US each year. 

I don't know why I was spared but I have faith that God's got this. 

However, I still ask, "Why?"

Why was I chosen to live? Why me? 

I don't know if I am currently living God's plan or if I will be called into service in the future. Was my purpose to bring humor into the chemo center? Is it so that I can share my experience? 

I don't know. 

Many will say that it doesn't matter and that what matters is that I did beat it and can continue living but I believe that it's bigger than "just living." 

Millions of people will be diagnosed and many won't survive. 

In fact, last week I attended a celebration of life party with a man who was losing his battle with pancreatice cancer. I am so grateful for the opportunity to see him again and hug him one final time. 

But, while talking he looked at me and asked, "How long has it been for you?" 

I didn't realize what he was asking so I replied, "For what?"

He said, "Since you were diagnosed." 

I felt like I'd been hit in the face with a 2x4. 

I have never felt more horrible or more guilty than that very moment. 

There I was standing in front of a man whose life was most likely down to hours explaining that it's been two years since I was diagnosed. 

I wanted to crawl under a rock. 

Survivor guilt is real!

I'm still reeling from it and find myself asking again, "Why was I chosen to live? Why me?" 

Gary passed barely 24 hours after that party. I am grateful that he chose to spend time with the ones he loved and to see everyone one more time. His bravery in allowing people to see him during his last days was amazing. 

His impact will be felt for years as will his loss. 

I pray that my impact on those around me has been and will continue to be positive. 

I may never know why I was spared but I will continue to do my best to continue to share the knowledge I have gained in this process and trust that God's got this. 

Frayed Knot

There is no "one size fits all" for experiencing grief. 

The same goes for hearing the words, "you have cancer." 

While my level of acceptance was almost immediate, most people will not share my experience. 

With my family history, my breast cancer diagnosis did not come as a surprise but it was still difficult to deal with. 

Once the diagnosis is delivered life takes on a frantic pace with tests, doctor appointments, surgery, treatments etc. 

The learning curve is extremely steep and we often don't have time to really process what is going on. 

The physical side of the healing process is often the easiest. 

The mental and emotional side take time, lots of time. 

I admittedly have a relatively short fuse. I have a tendency to spout off then calm down and think things through but one thing that will really piss me off is keep me angry is hearing a fellow cancer survivor tell me that she has been criticized by "loved ones" (who did not battle cancer) that she's not nice enough to people around her. 

Excuse me but...

Fuck them! 

Until you have endured the surgery, chemo, sat through endless tests and faced the massive world of not knowing if you will live or die, you have NO right to criticize someone. 

Walk a mile in their shoes...etc. 

By now we all know about the stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, Acceptance.  But, it's not a straight line and can look like a frayed knot. 

Cancer patients enduring chemo can go through this with every infusion. 

It is literally a battle that leaves one exhausted, worn down, defeated, physically scarred and fighting for their life. 

The fight changes ones perspective. 

It doesn't end until it's completely over and the patient is declared cured. 

But...there will always be the tiny little morsel of "what if" in the back of the brain that will surface with every odd feeling. 

It never really ends we just do our best to put it behind us and move on. 

Once a person has fought for their life they see the world differently. 

Things that may have seemed important at one time carry less weight or no longer matter and things that may have brought us pleasure in the past can seem shallow now. 

Although anger is an early stage of grief it doesn't mean that it doesn't show up again. In fact, the anger or any of the other stages can surface when we least expect it. 

A mom listening to her kids argue over menial crap like the remote can snap at the kids because, well, who has possession of the remote doesn't matter in the big picture. 

Does this mean you need to walk on eggshells around the patient? No, it does not. However, don't expect your response to be their response. A little grace goes a long way. 

Two years ago I was nearing the end of my chemo treatments and had already undergone a plethora of tests and surgery. I am not the same person I was then. My outlook has changed. 

I have changed. 

Life has changed. 

I am blessed with friends and family who did not lecture me about how I was supposed to be speaking to them. They supported me through the worst time of my life without criticisms about being "nice enough" even when I wasn't. 

Healing takes time. 

I was allowed to feel what I needed to feel and come to terms with the new me. 

It wasn't easy for me and it wasn't easy for them but they did not make it worse with criticisms. 

Rewrite The Scars

My friend is a girl you might know. 

At one time in her life she was a world renowned wedding dress designer who was featured on Say Yes To The Dress.

I was invited to provide a cake for a "Meet the Designer Trunk Show" at a bridal salon in Delaware. 

That's how we met. 

She looked at the cake I'd created for the event and said she felt like she could create a dress based on the cake. 

I wanted to jump out of my skin with excitement. 

I was so nervous and she was so gracious.  

I was immediately taken by her genuine authenticity. 

Seriously, she may be one of the nicest people on the face of the earth. 

After that event we stayed in touch and I did another event with her the following year. 

A little back story here: Nearly 15 years ago this amazing woman signed a contract with a wedding dress design house that gave her her own named dress line! 

It was a dream come true for any designer. 

Because she is a glass half-full type of person, was so excited and flattered that it never crossed her mind that someone would do something that would cause her harm and did not have a lawyer review the contract before she signing.

When she asked questions, they said she could renegotiate any potential issues. 

Well, that turned out to not be true. 

Not only did they not allow her to renegotiate the contract but they stopped paying her, took her social media accounts, any sketches of any type of dresses and they took her name. 

Yes, you read that correctly, she is no longer allowed to use her birth name. 

Evidently it was written into the contract that she signed. Yes, she signed it but, in my opinion, there is a special place in hell for businesses and owners who operate so unethically. They knew what they were doing when they put that in there in the first place! 

Anyway, fast forward a few years, many thousands of dollars and many court battles later...She still cannot use her name, she is barred from working in the wedding industry for five years because of the non-compete clause but she did get her pictures back from her social media accounts. 

And... she has a new name. 

She is Cheval. 

She is powerful, strong, kind, loving, sweet, wonderful, smart, funny and a genuinely good person. 

She is also now a shoe designer! 

I know, right?! 

Her shoes are amazing! Not only are they beautiful but I wore a pair, right out of the box, for her launch party and they were stupid comfortable! 

Once I decided to forego reconstruction after my  double mastectomy I made the decision to get a tattoo. 

She is Cheval

I reached out to Cheval to see if she'd be interested in designing it for me. The only thing I told her was that  it had to have a pink ribbon in it and I wanted florals.

She did the rest. 

The design is amazing! It needed a very minor amount of tweaking to make it perfect. I was so excited when I got the first drawing that booked the appointment months ago. 

Today I had my first sitting. 

Some parts hurt like a mother f$cker and some I didn't even feel. 

When they cut off the boobs I lost a lot of sensation in those areas of my chest but the center was crazy painful. 

Getting the color done will hurt too but..

It's already worth it. 

Once my tattoo artist, Aly was finished and I looked in the mirror I almost cried. 

For almost a year and a half all I've seen was scars. 

Today I saw beauty. 

A beautiful design created by one of the most beautiful and resilient poeple I have met in my life. 

I am blessed to call her friend and honored to wear her art. 

                                                You can follow She is Cheval on Instagram 

Not A Dream

If I didn't have the scars to prove that I had breast cancer, I'd think the last year of my life was just a bad dream.  

I know that I had cancer. I know that I had a double mastectomy. I know that I endured chemo and a year of Herceptin infusions.

But now that it's over, it feels like it was just a long, strange, bad dream.  

For more than a year cancer consumed my life. 

And now it doesn't...at all. 

From the day I found the lump to the day I got my port out, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about it or have to plan for my next appointment/treatment/surgery...whatever. 

It was all-consuming. 

I went from "knowing" the term breast cancer to having a working knowledge of the types of cancers, grades and stages. 

The learning curve was steep but necessary. 

I didn't just need to know that I had cancer, I needed to understand the treatment and the reasoning behind the procedures. I trusted my doctors but needed to verify what they were doing as well. 

The time between diagnosis and surgery felt like an eternity. 

In actuality it was approximately six weeks. 

Time felt like it was dragging. The nagging fear that the cancer would rear up and consume my entire body while I bounced from appointment to appointment was real and terrifying. 

In the blink of an eye life turned into a nightmare. 

Think about it, I had showered, dried off and was applying moisturizer when I found a lump. I immediately called the doctor and began a whirlwind of appointments. 

After the diagnosis life became a blur of tests, scans and consultations. 

Once they confirmed that it was cancer I was ready to have them cut my boobs off the next day. Hearing that there is something growing in your body that wants to kill you is terrifying. 

Not only did I want the cancer out of my body but I have a family, a life that was going on around me and a business to run. I needed to get treatment overwith so I could move on. 

But, cancer is really inconvenient. 

My focus went from family and business to diagnosis, testing and treatment and recovery. 

For 12 consecutive weeks, I underwent chemo and 48 hours later (once the steroids wore off) I would spend a couple of days in bed. After that I would be good for a few days and then we'd repeat the process. 

Lather, rinse, repeat. 

There is a lot that went on around me as I endured treatment after treatment. Most of which I don't remember because the chemo disrupted my brain. But, I do know that so many people jumped in to lend a hand. 

I will be grateful to those people forever. 

Cancer treatment is hard. It's exhausting and sickeness inducing but, if caught early enough, can also be life-saving. 

Early intervention is key. 

If you are reading this thinking, "I really need to schedule that mammogram." Stop what you are doing and make the appointment. 

There is no excuse that will justify jeopardizing your life. 

Sometimes

Sometimes life is great and sometimes it sucks beyond words. 

This past year has been both. 

I've experienced the love and care of friends in ways that are indescribable. 

I've also experienced pain, suffering and loss. 

It's been a crazy rollercoaster! 

While being diagnosed with cancer was terrible, it did not come as a surprise. My family history of cancers is horrifying. 

The surgery itself wasn't bad but the drain bags were miserable. the one on the left wasn't horrible but the subcutaneous tube on the right sat on a rib and rolled back and forth when I moved. It hurt for two weeks after the drain was removed. 

Then there was the car...The Ford Escape that became the bane of our existence! Ford corp did help but they truly should have footed the bill for the whole thing. It was a collosal nightmare. 

And, don't forget that I hit a deer hours after I borrowed a friend's truck while the Ford was in the shop. 

Yeah...it was a year of memories all right. 

But, there was so much good. 

My openness about my experience led so many women to have their mammograms not the least of whom was my sister. 

Has she waited she would be dying today rather than being a cancer survivor. 

Her one and only mammogram found a lump. The biopsy confirmed her cancer and her life then switched to doctor appointments, consultations, chemo and reconstruction. 

I have mentioned my family cancer history in the past, I wasn't being dramatic. 

My family tree is one headstone after another of people who died of cancer. Fortunately, thanks to education and awareness, many of us have caught it early and are survivors rather than victims. My mom, sister and I are all cancer survivors but...we each had a different type of cancer and do not have any of the genetic markers for breast cancer. 

Soooooo.... Be very careful about what you eat and the water that you drink. 

Personally, I think it's only a matter of time until the scientists either find another DNA link or they discover the combination that causes the breast cancer. Genetic testing for BRCA 1&2 has only been around for 20 years. The strides in genetic testing since then are huge! 

Unfortunately, the biggest detector is the mammogram. 

Yes, it sucks. Yes, it hurts but death from something that could have been stopped early is so much worse. 

So, ladies...Tits up! Get in the damn machine...Just do it. 

Let's get back to the good shall we? 

What was good about last year? 

Hats! 

Normally I am not a hat wearer but, my friends started sending me these awesome hats for when I lost my hair and I started wearing them on chemo days. Then, I continued every three weeks for the Herceptin treatments. 

It took on a life of it's own. 

It became so much more than just a hat. 

I was giving people a temporary relief from their misery. 

And, let's be honest here, chemo is misery. Despite the good-natured humor and insanity that is Vanessa, there were days that I couldn't lift my head off my pillow. I would just sleep or lie in bed and cry. 

The love and compassion I received from friends and family was astounding. It helped me to push through the crap days and appreciate the good ones so much more. 

Not only was I able to make the other patients smile and laugh but the staff laughed at my antics. 

Let's talk about the staff.

From the doctors and nurses to the front office people the shear number of people in the oncologist office and infusion center is amazing. 

While there are many success stories like myself, there are so many others who are there for paliative care. Their days are numbered and they are receiving treatment as a means to delay the inevitable. 

Imagine being the person behind the glass that has to greet people or the doctor that has to tell them there is nothing more that they can do. Or the nurse who sits with them while they have their treatment. 

Their jobs are so very tough. 

Now imagine having the power to make each of those people smile because you put on a crazy hat or wore a silly costume. 

Imagine that you are the person who gives everyone the excited anticipation on "what will she do next?"

I got to be that person. 

It was an honor to be that person. 

My next appointment isn't for three months! Even though it's stopping for a good reason, it feels so strange to having something that has been such a huge part of my life for a year, just stop. 

I get to move on but I will miss the other patients and the staff that I've seen every three weeks for a year. 

Thank you to everyone at the Abramson Cancer Center  in West Chester. You not only saved my life but you did it with humility, humor, love and grace. 

I will forever be grateful for all of you. 

The Bell & The Ball

I rang the bell!!!! 

I turned out to be a bigger deal for me than I thought it would. 

Seriously, it was big! 

I came really close to crying. 

My outfit for the day was a winged pig with the theme, "Chemo may be over, but I won't stop fighting until pigs fly." 

I made a ton of winged pig cookies to give to well, everyone and brought a huge basket of stuff to give away. 

Friends and loved ones have been so generous but there were so many things that I wasn't going to use. Rather than have them sit on a shelf in a closet, I thought it would be best to take the basket with me. I put a large note on the front that said, "If there is something here that could help you or a loved one, please take it." 

I put it on a table in the waiting area and told everyone there to help themselves and they did! 

As usual I bounced around at chemo handing out cookies, talking with the other patients and staff and laughed a lot! 

Then we headed home and, as usual, I was crazy busy Friday and Saturday nights! 

For a number of years now I have volunteered for the Silent Auction Committee for the Southern Chester County Chamber of Commerce at the Annual Gala. We have such a good time and the money we raise goes to the scholarship fund for graduating seniors. 

This year, due to covid, we had to change the date and the location of the event. It's normally held in March but we had to postpone until September and I am proud to say that it was a huge success! 

Fortunately, because it was on a Saturday night, I was still hopped up on steroids from chemo the day before. I felt great and had plenty of energy to get through the event and finish a cake when I got home.  

Speaking of the steroids...I have gained about 15 pounds during this experience and had nothing to wear. 

I had to be at the venue at 4:30. I didn't discover the wardrobe issue 2pm. Needless to say, I was pretty freaked out! 

I called a friend of mine, who had lost a bunch of weight, hoping that she hadn't cleaned out her closet, to see if she had something I could borrow and...

She did!!! 

I went from having nothing, to having a gorgeous dress that fit like it was made for me. 

Woohoo!!! 

So relieved. 

The only problem was that the bodice would flop open if I leaned forward. 

Huge shout out to Tina at the The Stone Barn in Kennett Square. She found a huge box of safety pins and helped me pin the bodice closed so my scars wouldn't traumatize anyone. 

After we got the dress pinned Tina headed out to finish setting up and I stayed in the ladies room to do my make-up and bedazzle my head. 

It was a wonderful night with great food, fantastic music and a lovely venue. 

I have been a member of the chamber since I opened my business. So many friends came over to congratulate me on ringing the bell. 

We talked about my decision to not wear a wig and about my bedazzled head. 

They also shared stories of loved ones who are fighting the battle now. 

I am blessed. 

All things considered my fight has been an easy one and my prognosis is excellent. 

Yeah, I have side effects that I'm still dealing with but everything could have been so much worse. 

I'm seriously considering becoming a volunteer at the cancer center. 

I enjoy talking to the other patients, finding ways to make both patients and staff laugh and help take the weight off their shoulders for a while. 

It feels good to help people and if something good can come from this then maybe that's why I was there to begin with. 

A Fighting Chance

My niece got married last weekend. She was supposed to have gotten married in 2020 but the world shut down on their original wedding date!  

Two reschedules later, they are finally husband and wife! 

It was an unbelievable wedding with lots of laughs, a few tears, great speeches and...

I danced!!!

It's been ages since I danced. 

Like, REALLY danced. 

I led a freaking conga line through a ballroom! 

My feet still hurt and so does my chest (a little) but...

I. Don't. Care!!! 

Chemo looms on my horizon. 

I overdid it knowing that it was going to be my last opportunity to do so for a while. 

Unfortunatley, I spent Sunday in bed because the armpit where they removed the nodes hurt like hell. 

The worst part was that we had to postpone our Father's Day canoe trip. Canoe trips are a family favorite and I was really looking forward to it. But, between the pain and not getting any sleep because of the pain it was just not a good idea. 

Fortunately, I am the type of person who does actually listen to my body and backs off when things get rough. 

I didn't used to be that person. 

I have overdone it physically many, many times in my life and have the knees, ankles and arthritis to prove it. 

But I have matured, well, actually my body has matured and no longer allows me to be a dumbass who doesn't know when to stop. 

However, this does not matter to some people who feel it necessary to give me useless advice. 

If one more person tells me to take care of myself I may throat punch them. 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!! 

Yes, I know it's important. 

I'm not a moron. 

I'm also a business owner, business partner, boss, manager, marketing director, mom, wife, homeowner, chief cook and bottle washer. 

The hats I wear are many. 

Self-care is a hot cup of coffee and a game of on-line cribbage. 

While people mean well, they need to respect where a person is in their life. Unsolicited advice right now is rarely welcome. 

I appreciate the people who ask if I need help, not the people who tell me I should get some.

Don't tell me to relax, breathe or calm down. 

When I am wound up and having a crappy day I need people who can commiserate or just listen. Having someone say, "I have no idea how you feel but I'm here if you need to vent" means the world to me. 

I appreciate their honesty and their willingness to be with me in the moment. 

They don't offer advice, tell me how to feel or try to fix anything. They just listen! 

Speaking of fixing things...

The engine in the 2017 Ford escape has been replaced. Ford covered most of the parts. While we are very grateful to Ford for their assistance, we still should not have had to replace an engine at 84,400 miles! 

It runs well and everything is good except the passenger side windshield wiper now hits the "A" pillar and makes a tapping sound every time it swipes. 

So annoying! 

I only noticed because, after going through the carwash and cleaning the inside of the car for two hours, it rained. 

Never fails! 

Today I had an echocardiogram and had more lab work done. I'll be happy when the port is installed and I can stop being a pin cushion! 

The port will be installed on Thursday morning. Chemo starts Friday and will be every week for 12 weeks. 

Reactions to the drugs are an unknown as I fortunately, have never had them before. 

The unknowns bother me more than anything else. 

I might be sick, but I might not. 

I might lose my hair, but I might not. 

I might have neuropathy, but I might not. 

I try to not spend a lot of time thinking about that stuff. 

It's a massive rabbit hole of "what ifs" that I don't want to go down. Instead, I choose to bury myself in the technical stuff. 

I like to understand the treatments and the research/reasoning behind them. 

I will be receiving Taxol and Herceptin. 

"Taxol, originally extracted from the bark of the Pacific yew tree, is one of the mostly commonly used drugs against solid tumors, and is a front-line drug for treating ovarian and advanced breast cancer. The drug is known to bind to microtubules and essentially freeze them in place, which prevents them from separating the chromosomes when a cell divides. This kills dividing cells, in particular cancer cells, which are known for rapid proliferation." Berkeley News

"Herceptin works by attaching itself to the HER2 receptors on the surface of breast cancer cells and blocking them from receiving growth signals. By blocking the signals, Herceptin can slow or stop the growth of the breast cancer. Herceptin is an example of an immune targeted therapy. In addition to blocking HER2 receptors, Herceptin can also help fight breast cancer by alerting the immune system to destroy cancer cells onto which it is attached." Breastcancer.org

Although they do not know which side effect I will succumb to, they do know that these two drugs can give me many, many more years to come. 

According to the National Cancer Institute, $590 million dollars is invested in breast cancer research annually. 

I am am grateful for each an everyone of those dollars for myself, my sister, my mother, my aunt, countless friends and any other woman who will hear that they have breast cancer. 

Because of the preventative/diagnostic measures that have come from that reseach, we have a fighting chance today. 

While it is not a sorority I ever wanted to pledge, I am proud to be a pink ribbon sister with some of the most amazing warriors on the planet. 

But Wait There's More!

As if breast cancer and a new HVAC system weren't enough, our car died. 

Our 2017 Ford Escape died. 

Yes, you read that correctly. 

Making matters even worse, our extended warranty was good for 6 years or 75,000 miles and we have 84,491 miles on it. So while we were below on time we were over on miles. 

I called Ford and begged, groveled and cried. 

It worked. 

We are waiting for the final details but it looks like Ford will pay for the parts and we will have to pay for the labor. 

So if anyone has a spare $3K they're willing to part with...

From what the Service Manager at the dealership told me, this is more than he's seen Ford pay for anything in quite some time. 

For that I am grateful but again, the vehicle only has 84,491 miles. It shouldn't need an engine.

We have 17 payments left and will have to drive this thing into the ground to get our money out of it. 

We just can't catch a break! 

After my diagnosis of breast cancer I made the decision to be very open about the cancer, surgery, treatment, etc. specifically because I wanted to help educate people. My hope was that sharing my experience would encourage others to have their mammograms and maybe I could help save a life. 

Never, in a million years, did I imagine the life I would be saving was my little sister! 

Yup, you read that correctly too! 

After having cancer hit so close to home (and being harranged by our mom), my sister finally made it in for a mammogram. 

The call came in about two days later that she needed to go in for a follow up. 

When she called I wasn't worried. Both my mom and and I had to go back for additional mammograms that each turned out to be nothing. 

It wasn't nothing. 

There is a tumor. 

She has since had a biopsy and all we know at this point is that she has cancer and that the tumor is Invasive Ductal Carcinoma...sound familiar? 

Yes, that's what mine was too. 

Hopefully when she sees her surgeon later this week she'll get more information about hormone receptors and we are praying that she is Her2 negative. 

She has gone for genetic testing and I have a swab kit being sent to my house to have my testing done too. 

We are currently encouraging all family members to be tested. In fact, I'd love to find a genetic researcher to catalog the whole family! 

I have also discovered that John's Hopkins still has tissue samples from my father's autopsy in 2010. We are now looking into having one of those samples tested for known genetic cancer markers. 

Although my mom was negative for the BRCA1/2 genes it could be present in my dad's side of the family. It doesn't matter whether the gene comes from the maternal or paternal side. If a woman tests positive for the BRCA gene there is a greater than 70% chance they will develop breast cancer. 

But wait there's more! 

Did you know that men can test positive too?

A man with BRCA2 is not only at risk for developing breast cancer but has an increased risk of developing prostate cancer as well. 

"Men who carry a BRCA2 gene alteration have a higher lifetime risk of developing prostate cancer. 1 in 4 - 1 in 5 (20-25%) of men who carry BRCA2 develop prostate cancer at some point. Most of these prostate cancers occur over the age of 45. Men who carry a BRCA2 alteration also have a higher chance of getting breast cancer. The chance of this is about 1 in 14 (7%)." (West Midlands Regional Genetic Department. Dorothy Halliday, Consultant in Cancer Genetics Version 1, November 2011, Review, November 2014, Oxford University Hospitals NHS Trust , Oxford OX3 9DU)

So guys...If there is a high incidence of breast cancer or prostate cancer in either side of you parent's families you need to contact a genetic counselor. If you don't know if there is a history of cancer in your family, start asking questions and create a family tree.  

According to the American Cancer Society Breast cancer is the second leading cause of cancer death in women. (Only lung cancer kills more women each year.) The chance that a woman will die from breast cancer is about 1 in 39 (about 2.6%). Unfortunately, breast cancer incidents continue to rise by .5% annually and 85% of those have no family history of breast cancer. 

It can happen to anyone! 

They are still discovering causes and treatments. If caught early enough the 5-year survival rate is greater than 90%. 

I can't emphasize early intervention enough. Do you weekly self breast exam. Pick a day of the week and do it religiously. Pick a style of exam and stick with it. That way you can detect an abnormality right away! 

If you're due for the mammogram, make the appointment. 

It may save your life! 

A Carpenter's Dream

Warning, There are post surgical pictures in this post. 

Surgery went great. 

Even my pre-op anxiety wasn’t as horrible is it normally can be. Most likely because I talked about it...to everyone! 

The morning was a little insane. We left the house late, hit traffic and arrived at the hospital late. So late, in fact, that registration called to make sure I was on the way 🤦‍♀️ 

After they took me into the pre-op room, I got changed, threw out my bra and they took my vitals. The doctor came in to see me, review what was going to be done and answer questions. Then I waited for about an hour to go to nuclear medicine to get injections in the cancer boob so they knew where the sentinel nodes were. 

The trip from pre-op to nuke med was interesting. Nuke med is in the old building of the hospital and pre-op is in the new wing. I was literally wheeled down main hallways. Never one to miss an opportunity, I was waving at people like I was in a parade. 

I’d be lying if I said the injections didn’t hurt like hell. My doctor said they shouldn’t be bad, other cancer patients said to prepare for the pain. Glad I was prepared! 

By now I was winding up and could feel it so when the “Happy Juice Guy” aka anesthesiologist came in I asked for something. They gave me a little Ativan to help me relax. It worked. 

Next thing I knew I was I’m my room waking up. I got to see Glenn before he went home to be with the boys. 

In addition to the nuke med that lit up my nodes, my breasts were injected with a blue dye so they knew where all the tissue was that needed to be removed. We were told that the dye would make my pee blue and they were not kidding!! 

I am the consumate boy mom who appreciates a good "Wooooow!" moment. After I peed the first time that night I had the nurse give me my phone so I could take a picture of it. Seriously, it was way darker than I anticipated. I sent the picture to Glenn and the boys and we all had a great laugh. 

The rest of the night was uneventful, I got some good sleep and my doctor even had to wake me up the next morning when she came in to check me out. 

A hematoma had developed on the right side so she had to press on the skin to move the fluid to the drain tube. Fun fact: when they cut off the boobs they take the nerves so, although she had to push on my chest, I could only feel pressure not pain! 

I was discharged that afternoon and headed home to relax. 

On the way out I was being wheeled past the nurses station and one of them said, "You need to wave on he way out, you waved on the way in." 

I can totally see myself doing that...So I waved good-bye. 

Since I opted to not have reconstruction I do not have expanders in my chest. Pain is minimal and controlled with just Acetaminophen (Tylenol). 

The drains...Ugh! 

I know these things are necessary but man are they a pain in the ass! 

The tubes come out just below where the bottom of my breast was and the tube wraps up into the skin area in a big circle. The part of the drain that is under the skin is perforated to allow the fluids to drain into the bulb (referred to a grenade at the nurses station :) and the tube is so much longer than I thought it would be! 

There is a plug at the top of the bulb that I open to empty out the fluid into a measuring cup so I can record the amounts and then the bulb gets squeezed before the plug is put back in. Doing this creates a suction that draws the fluid out of my body. 

As heal I form clots that are a total pain to remove from the lines. Sometimes they move themselves sometimes they don't. 

The compression bra they gave me was too tight. The band around the bottom had to be cut so that it wouldn't dig into my skin and some jackass decided that since it's a bra it had to have lace around the edges.

Seriously...Lace? WTF?!  On a good day lace can cause chaffing. Why the hell would someone put it on a post-surgical garment?! No doubt someone that has never had this particular surgery and didn't have to be in the thing 24/7. 

The other added benefit of the lace is that it gets stuck in the velcro. Because, you know, when you have tubes hanging out of your body AND limited arm motion you want to have to detangle the lace from the velcro at the top of the already uncomfortable bra! 

Anyway...

This is how the drain looks under my skin on the left side of my chest. 

There is some bruising (remember no nerves, no pain), which is to be expected but the incisions are amazing! I am so happy with the way everything looks. As the fluid decreases things are flattening out. 

One friend even told me I'm his "favorite 2x4"...

Flat as a board! 

OMGness! I am so glad I wasn't drinking when I got that text or I would have spewed magic bean water out of my nose. 

Mom told my that makes me a Carpenter's Dream! LOL

I wish I could say that the worst is over but unfortunately that is not the truth. Sadly, having my boobs cut off was the easy part. 

Chemo looms on the horizon. 

I will most likely feel sick and lose my hair. They will give me anti-nausea meds to help with the tummy issues but, I gotta tell you, the thought of a summer without the need to shave is a bit exciting. 'Cause you know that you don't just lose the hair on the head...

Yeah...NO BIKINI RAZOR RASH!!! 

Talk about a silver lining!

If I look hard enough there is always something good. 

What's been the best part of this so far? 

Love.

So many people have sent encouraging messages, prayers, gifts, flowers and have jumped in to help us out. We don't have to worry about food for weeks, the kids transportation is arranged and nurse friends have come over to check out my incisions and drain tube areas to make sure that everything is ok and there are no infections. 

As a result of all the prayers, love and support we've received I've been able to heal at a very rapid rate. 

We are blessed. 

Pacifically

As I mentioned in my last post, there was a "spot" on my spine that showed up on my bone scan. 

That set off a chain reaction that left me in bed all day on Saturday bawling my eyes out. 

It was bound to happen eventually and I did feel a little better afterwards. We really do need a good cry from time to time. 

A friend calls these Cancer Sucks days. 

So let me back track a bit here...

Got the bone scan results that said there was something there but felt that it was most likely degeneration. Then I had the breast MRI that showed the tumor being significantly larger than what they saw in the mammogram...I'll get to that shortly. 

My surgeon wanted to make sure that the spine thing wasn't a huge issue so she ordered an MRI. The insurance company declined to authorize it because I hadn't had an x-ray, because paying for an unnecessary x-ray makes sense, so I had an x-ray and that showed something there too. 

That was on Friday...then I waited again. 

The weight of what might be in my spine hit me on Saturday while I was out delivering cakes and I had a total meltdown. I got someone to cover my shift at the store, went home, crawled under the covers and stayed there crying and napping all day. 

Part of my pity party was because I hate pity parties!! The other was because I am competely powerless and felt like I was taking two steps back for every step forward. It's a roller coaster I wouldn't wish on anyone.

My prayers were frantic. I couldn't put a cohesive thought together and just kept saying, "God's got this." Honestly, I really do believe that but I got into my head and started the "what if I have bone cancer" game. Fortunately, the Lord knows my heart and even when I am depressed, angry or frustrated he really is holding me up. 

But, it doesn't mean I can't be pissed off or that I don't need a good cry! 

I managed to pull myself together in time to eat dinner then went back to bed. 

Monday rolled around and I met with the genetic counselor. It probably wasn't a waste of time, but it felt like it was. I had my mom's genetic report with me and after the counselor looked at it she said, "Your mom was negative for all seven of the genes that she was tested for. You most likely won't have the BRCA gene which is fantastic." I replied, "Well, considering that I have breast cancer it doesn't really matter now does it?" 😳

The appointment consisted of me telling the counselor my family history while she drew a flow chart. We have an $80 copay for specialists. So, I paid $80 for someone to write down my horrible family cancer history. I am a candidate for genetic testing but it's more money and well...it's more money. 

The worst part of the appointment was that no one bothered to tell me that I was going to be meeting with this counselor in an infusion center. The waiting room was filled with a plethora of other cancer patients in various stages of treatment. To get into the counselor's office I had to walk through the actual infusion area which I was definitely not ready for. I know, I know, I'll be there eventually and at that time I'll know I'm walking into an infusion center. It really was traumatic.  

That afternoon the radiologist's report came in confirming what the more advanced bone scan had already found. Although both radiologists felt it was degenerative, because of my breast cancer, they recommended an MRI with and without contrast. 

My nurse navigator got me right into Jennersville for an MRI on Tuesday afternoon. By this point I've had blood drawn, a nuclear injection for the bone scan and the injection for the contrast for the breast MRI all in my right arm. I had the nurse give me the injection for the contrast in my left arm and well, now I look like a junkie. 

Hot! 

Both the radiologist at Jennersville and the radiologist at Penn Medicine have read the MRI and confirmed that there is no cancer on my spine...it's arthritis. Yay for getting older. 

I met with my surgeon yesterday morning and surgery is confirmed for Monday, May 17. I won't know the time until the Friday before. 

She will be performing a double mastectomy with sentinel node biopsy. I have requested that she do an aesthetic flat closure that leaves no spare skin as I will not be having reconstruction. Surgery is expected to last approximately four hours depending on the sentinel node biopsies. If it comes back clear we are good to go. If not she'll have to take more. 

Now let's back up to the breast MRI...

The tumor was larger for a couple of reasons: 1. They can see it 3D in the breast MRI where the Mammogram is flat, because...that's how they make your boobs. 2. I have both invasive and non-invasive cancers in my right breast. Until they breach the duct walls and invade the breast tissue they are contained which means they are currently non-invasive. Non-invasive is considered Stage 0. 

All together the tumor is 6 cm but only 2 cm are invasive so I don't need chemo before surgery. If the invasive stuff was 4 cm or more, I'd do chemo first to shrink it and then have the surgery. 

In my last post I mentioned HER2. HER2-positive breast cancer is a breast cancer that tests positive for a protein called human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2). This protein promotes the growth of cancer cells. In about 1 of every 5 breast cancers, the cancer cells have extra copies of the gene that makes the HER2 protein.

Evidently, I'm the one out of five. 

Winner! 

Ugh! 

Now that we know I am HER2 positive my chemo plan will be a little more aggresive and I will be given Herceptin via infusion for a year. HER2 inhibitors work against HER2-positive breast cancers by blocking the ability of the cancer cells to receive chemical signals that tell the cells to grow.

Of course the actual chemo plan won't be confirmed until after surgery and the pathology comes back. 

In the meantime, I started taking Reishi mushrooms. A friend also gave me a book called Medicinal Mushrooms. It is an easy read and fascinating! Reishi mushrooms are really bitter but the good news is that I can put the tincture in my coffee and can't taste it! 

Clinical studies with Reishi have found that patients have a better response to chemo while using it and if stay with it my immune system will be stronger too. I bought dried ones and decocted them. In order to decoct them I had to boil them for an hour then strain off the water and squeeze out the mushroom. They never got soft but I did get lost of "juice" that I was able to use this week. I have run out of the juice so I'll be going to The Woodlands at Phillips Mushrooms Farms to buy some other mushrooms until the ones I ordered arrive. They sell the book there too if you are interested. 

And, if all this wasn't already enough to digest, our central AC decided to quit this week! I mean when you have a family medical deductible of $9,000 (thanks for that Obama) what's another $5,000 right? 

Yup! So we are weighing our options and will most likely replace both the AC and furnace. Both are more than 20 years old and it would be at least $1800 just for the freon because they use new stuff now. If we have to do one we might as well bite the proverbial bullet and do them both. But seriously...Now? 

Managing stress has been crazy hard this week. Thankfully God blessed me with two of the most amazing hysterical children in the world. They keep me on my toes and make me laugh. Today we were driving David to gymnastics and I challenged them to say Irish Wrist Watch five times fast. The result had me laughing so hard I had tears streaming down my cheeks. 

Daniel then said, "I want Kieran to try this." David asked, "Why pacifically Kieran?" Daniel yelled, "PACIFIC IS AN OCEAN."

I came really close to shooting coffee out my nose! 

BTW it was only last week that Daniel was also saying "pacifically." 

Thanks for the laughs guys...I really needed them this week! 

Patience...

...is a virtue I lack. 

Everything involved with this process involves waiting and it is beyond stressful. 

Have a test? 

Wait for the result. 

Have a question? 

Wait for the reply. 

Follow up with the doctor? 

Wait for that appointment. 

Want to schedule surgery? 

You'll have to wait a few weeks to get on the roster. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAH! 

I do have a surgery date though. 

May 17, 2021 will be the day I go in for the double mastectomy.

Yes, I have to wait another 18 days for that too! 

But...

No more bras!!!! 

I decided that I am definitely not interested in having the reconstruction done as the statistics for additional surgeries/failure are really high. Instead, I have a beloved friend who has agreed to design a chest tattoo for me. 

I am so excited and can't wait to see what she creates!!! 

In the meantime, we are still waiting for the Her2 pathology. 

What is HER2?

The human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2) gene is responsible for producing HER2 proteins. HER2 proteins are present on the surface of some breast cancer cells. When they’re activated, they signal breast cancer cells to divide and multiply. 

Normally, HER2 proteins regulate and control the growth of breast cells. But when the HER2 gene is mutated, which is the case in about 1 in every 5 cases of breast cancer, it makes too many HER2 proteins. This results in breast cells growing and dividing out of control.

So you can see why this is important pathology! 

I had a bone scan that showed a weird thing with my spine that the radiologist says is most likely degeneration but it also is in the area where I had a spinal fusion in 1990. I will have to have a CT scan to double check and rule out anything else. 

Next week I meet with a genetic counselor but I'm not entirely sure why and I will also see my surgeon again to go over the tests and discuss surgery. Hopefully, we'll have the Her2 back. 

With the surgery date set, I have begun to prep. 

My employees (greatest people on the face of the earth BTW) are  ready to jump in and do whatever is necessary. My business partner has been training extra people to cover shifts in our store and I have added a ton of people to the pick-up list at the kids’ school. 

After surgery it will be a minimum of two weeks before I can really do anything so another friend and pink ribbon sister has set up a Take Them A Meal link for people to help out. This is the link if you would like to sign up. https://takethemameal.com/FYPS6898  

Countless numbers of people have offered assistance for things from folding our laundry (you are saints) to transporting the boys to their activities. Even my hubby’s employer told him to take whatever time he needs. 

No matter what, this is a crappy situation but the outpouring of love and support has blessed us with peace of mind and we couldn’t ask for more!  

Until next time ladies...

Withdrawal from the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk

Since my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and has undergone surgery, chemo and radiation my breast cancer awareness has been heightened.

I, like most people, wasn't overly worried about the breast cancer issue until it hit a loved one. So, when a friend contacted me to say that she would be walking again this year and wanted me to join her I decided that I would.

I emailed my friends and requested donations, began taking frequent walks and even got the treadmill hooked up in the basement to train for the walk. 

I have the best friends in the world! Almost overnight I raised close to $1000 and within a couple of weeks was up to 4.5 miles on a daily trek.

To be honest, I did know that SGK donated to Planned Parenthood but I've had many friends who have used PP, not for abortions but for general gynecological services. For this reason and because of my desire to do something to help with breast cancer research I was willing to move past my concerns and do The Walk.


Then the Planned Parenthood videos came out.

I began thinking about The Walk and where the money would go and I knew that I would have to withdraw.


As a woman who has struggled with fertility I cannot fathom the idea of killing a child because it was perceived as a mistake. There is a lot of crap out there about a woman's "right" to kill her child, also referred to as "a woman's choice." How about making the choice to not have sex or to use birth control rather than having an abortion as a form of birth control? A little responsibility up front would be nice to see, but I digress.

Abortion is by no means a black and white issue. While I believe that killing a child is wrong, I do understand that in cases of rape, incest and a true medical threat to a mother there may be few alternatives. My heart goes out to those ladies as it can't be an easy decision. However, to use abortion as a means of birth control is wrong and for an organization to profit from the sale of the aborted babies makes me want to puke.

Since being outed Planned Parenthood has been less than contrite. Their way of dealing with it was to take The Center For Medical Progress to court to block the release of additional videos, not to apologize for committing an illegal act.

It's bad enough that they are considered to be an abortion factory, with 149 abortions being performed to every 21 adoption referrals (see Lies, Corruption and Scandal), but to be a willing participant in the trafficking of aborted baby parts is abhorrent.

Since there are "8,735 licensed mammography facilities in America and Planned Parenthood operates exactly zero," (The Federalist) I see no need for Susan G. Komen to provide Planned Parenthood with one penny never mind millions of dollars.

For the Susan G. Komen Foundation to know about Planned Parenthood's illegal organ trafficking and not sever ties makes them as guilty as a man who watches a rape and does nothing to stop the rapists.

For me to participate in an event that will raise money to eventually end up in the hands of people who kill babies and then sell their body parts for profit goes against almost everything I believe in.

For that reason I have withdrawn my registration, contacted all of my donors to let them know what I have done and why, and have sent them the contact information of the person responsible for refunding their money should they wish to do so.

I have no doubt that I will sleep much better tonight. 

Breadcrumbs

I went to logon today and Blogger informed me that my last post was on January 28, 2015. Really? Where have February, March and now April gone.

Life is a blur!

Just before Christmas my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. In fact, it was four years to the day that we had the memorial service for my dad that mom was told that she was now a cancer patient.

She called me right away.

It was not the news we were expecting but given what it was it could have been worse.

Surgery was inevitable as was chemo. What type of chemo was where the big questions were and after two consultations with different oncologists she chose to do the one that was four treatments vs six.

We call it "chemo light."

There have been ups and downs and now that she is headed into the final treatment we are all breathing a hesitant sigh of relief and we begin to plan for the future.

Interestingly, when a family member is undergoing a treatment that takes place every three weeks, life begins to exist in three week chunks and before you know it, time has flown by at an amazing rate!

Lump that in with a home based cake business, part-time weekend job, twin two-year-olds and being a wife and mommy and there are never enough hours in the day and the house is always a mess.

I was never the type to keep a spotless house but I was never this bad before!

As much as I love my weekend job, I really miss weekends with my family.

My not being home to cook dinner has become a stressor between hubby and me and a constant issue that is best solved by my calling Dominos Pizza or bringing home Chinese.

After many evenings of arriving home to cranky kids and a stressed out hubby at 6:45 I finally told him that he really needs to figure out the whole making dinner thing so that we're not eating at 7:30 or 8 o'clock when I've finished making dinner.

In truth, it pissed me off to work all day and then have to make dinner when I arrive.

One weekend, in an attempt to ease this stress, I made a pan of pasta stuff (it's like lasagna only easier to make) and all he had to do was heat it up in the oven...which he did not do.

Argh!!!

I finally informed him that his inability to cook dinner was getting under my skin and it wasn't fair to the kids to make them wait so long to eat dinner either. We discussed the things that he could do that fell under his "I don't cook" limitations and I thought we had it settled.

I had another thought coming.

One night on my way home from work my phone chimed with a "what should I do for dinner?" message.

Sigh...

I replied (via voice to text) that there was chicken thawed in the refrigerator and he could put bread crumbs on it and put it in the oven or do it on the stove.

"How do I get the breadcrumbs on the chicken?" was his response.

Lord help us all!

A few weeks later on my way to work I received a text from hubby asking if he was supposed to peel kiwi fruit. I replied (again using the voice to text function on my phone) "Yes." He then asked if it was bad if you didn't to which I replied that it "was inedible." (I mean really, have you looked at it? It's liked eating velcro!)

Anyway, he asked me in what way it was it inedible at which point I lost it and was yelling at Siri to send a text message telling hubby to find a flipping knife! He sniped back that one of the boys had eaten it and wanted to know if they would be ok.

Oy vey...

Yes they will be fine but he might want to state that little tidbit first! He said I should have just answered the simple question and I replied telling him that he was right but that he was the man who asked "How do I put the breadcrumbs on the chicken?"

A Language Unto Itself

Four and a half years ago, mom, siblings, niece and nephews, cousins and an aunt and uncle accompanied my dad to the hospital to have his cancerous bladder removed. The doctor never got the chance. The cancer had grown so fast that it had breeched the bladder wall and invaded his abdomen.

He was opened and closed.

When the doctor arrived in the waiting area 45 minutes into what was supposed to be a 4-6 hour surgery I look at him and said, "Oh shit! This can't be good."

After my dad regained consciousness in the recovery room my mom and siblings stood at his side as the surgeon delivered the death sentence.

It was one of the worst moments of my life.

Prior to that surgery date, my mom and I has taken dad to meet with an Oncologist in Baltimore and I remember sitting in that little exam room listening to the doctor tell my dad what types of chemicals they were going to pump into him.

I took copious notes and studied up on all of the lingo associated with chemo.

We could never get him strong enough to endure the chemo. He opted to just have the surgery but even that was not an option.

He died less than two months after that Oncology appointment.

Cancer: 1 My family: 0

Two weeks ago, my siblings and I accompanied my mother to the hospital outpatient wing to have a lumpectomy that would remove the breast cancer that had invaded her body.

After my mom was taken into the prep area and well, prepped, my siblings and I were escorted back to stay with her until the took her into surgery.

As I entered the pre-op area I had a flashback of the recovery area we walked into four years ago. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and telling myself, "Not the same, not the same."

She came through surgery with flying colors and, despite arguing with me about almost everything, had recuperated very well.

Tie score!

Today we sat in an exam room in the same complex where we had taken my dad in Baltimore and listened to another doctor describe the toxins they were going to pump into my mother.

Oncology is a language unto itself.

One I had hoped to never have to learn...again!

There are two standard types of chemo that would work for my mom based on her hormone receptors and her HER2...still not entirely clear on that but it has something to do with proteins...and how they attack the ducts and breast tissue.

There is no such thing as good chemo but one protocol is a little tougher to tolerate than the other. We were referring to the second as chemo "light." Not that it's really any 'lighter' but it's four treatments over 12 weeks as opposed to eight treatments over 16 weeks.

There are other things that we've learned, one of which is that nearly 80% of all cancer patients are cured by surgery but there is no way to determine the difference between the 80 and the 20 and chemo is recommended to keep any rogue cancer cells from migrating and taking root in another part of the body. In other words, clear margins don't necessarily mean that there is no more cancer.

Another is that there are no two cancer patients that are the same. Cancer is a mutation and those mutations differ from one patient to another.

Chemo is really an insurance policy against one of those mutations implanting itself into another of my mom's organs. But...there are no guarantees.

The difference between my mom's cancer and the cancer that took my dad couldn't be greater but I constantly have to check myself to keep from going to the "worst case scenario" and "what if" crap that my brain likes to toy with.

Staying positive can be extremely difficult but I have to repeat the, "Not the same, not the same" mantra that I said over and over again in the hospital two weeks ago.

I have never been a terribly religious person. I consider myself to be a Christian as I believe in Jesus but I tend to venture more toward the spiritual side of worship and prayer. I talk to God every day and also find that prayer has a way of calming me down and focusing on the things that are important.

What is important is to concentrate on the here and now and give thanks for what we have.

We are blessed that she caught this so early that it's curable.

This too shall pass and before we know it we'll be sitting poolside soaking up the Vitamin D.

In the meantime, we'll take our supplements and pray for the chemo to be as gentle as possible on her system with the exception of making her cigarettes taste so gross that she comes out of this a non-smoker.