What's Your Worth

You are not your hair, your ass, your boobs or any other physical trait. It's something that we all need to take to heart and please...don't raise your daughters to believe that their looks are more important than their character.   

A person's self-worth is not determined by their looks. 

If you have defined yourself by your boobs and your hair, get breast cancer and lose both, you will have no self left. 

Not only that but we are so much more than our looks! 

Do you know who you are? What you stand for? What matters most to you? What you are willing to walk through fire for? 

Seriously, cancer treatment is difficult enough without having to redefine who you are in the middle of it. 

Personally, my boobs were too small to be a defining factor and honestly, my hair always irritated me. 

For me, losing both was not a hardship. 

Unlike most other female cancer patients I have met, I liked being bald...especially in the summer. 

Hair is hot. 

I've suffered from hot flashes for seven years and not having hair was such a blessing. It's been a year since my last chemo so it's grown in but I'm still dealing with the chemo curl (feels like standard poodle hair) and once again, I'm sweating. 

But I digress...

Let's talk about self-worth. 

Self-worth and self-esteem are not the same thing. 

According to the University of North Carolina Wilmington "Self-worth is the internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging from others. Self-worth is often confused with self-esteem, which relies on external factors such as successes and achievements to define worth and can often be inconsistent leading to someone struggling with feeling worthy."

If you want people's take-away to be, "she has a great rack" you are concentrating on the external factors and headed for trouble. 

Unless you have money like Dolly Parton and can get nipped and tucked whenever you feel like, time and gravity are your enemy. 

If you are judging yourself based on your looks your esteem's days are numbered.  

How many times have you heard things like, "Looks can be deceiving"? Just because something looks good doesn't mean that it is. 

Pretty does not always equal good. 

We've all known the person who thinks they are better than everyone because they look better. All of my high school years come to mind. Often the "mean girls" are beautiful but treat others as if they are lesser beings because they aren't as physically attractive. 

Well ladies, just wait until that 30 year reunion! 

A person with a well defined self-worth will not tolerate being treated poorly by others nor with they have to knock others down to elevate themselves. 

Someone with low self-esteem will make poor relationship choices, sabatoge relationships and settle for a bad relationship as a trade for financial security. 

Does this mean that you should never tell your daughters they are pretty? No! 

https://www.psychologytools.com/self-help/low-self-esteem/

Should you emphasize brains and accomplishments over looks? Absolutely! 

According to Cancer.gov 12.9% of the women born in the US will develop breast cancer. 

The number one risk factor for developing breast cancer is... Being Female! 

Yup! You read that right. 

Being a woman is the greastest risk factor of developing breast cancer. In fact, 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer. 

Think about eight women closest to you...have any had breast cancer? 

Less than 5% of the women who develop breast cancer are linked to genetic mutations all the rest are environmental. 

From 2004 to 2018 breast cancer rose .3% which means that 502,500 more women were diagnosed than in the decade before that. 

Could be that early detection is better but...so much of what is allowed in food, cleaning products and even the water supply is also linked to cancers. 

According to a study published in the National Library of Medicine, "The Surveillance, Epidemiology, and End Results (SEER) Program of the National Cancer Institute (NCI) regularly publishes lifetime risks of being diagnosed with each type of cancer.2 According to these estimates, the lifetime risk of all invasive cancers in the USA is 42.05% and 37.58% for men and women, respectively."

Those are some pretty scary numbers! 

While not all cancers cause external physical changes, many of the treatments do...especially in the case of breast cancers. 

Defining who you are by your physical traits is already a slippery slope to begin with but ladies, with a 37.58% chance of getting a cancer and eduring a treatment that includes chemo, women who have been raised to believe that their worth equals their looks are subject to even greater psychological damage. 

The emotional and mental battle that comes with battling cancer is already hard, let's not make it worse by raising daughters who have a badly defined sense of self to begin with!

Not A Dream

If I didn't have the scars to prove that I had breast cancer, I'd think the last year of my life was just a bad dream.  

I know that I had cancer. I know that I had a double mastectomy. I know that I endured chemo and a year of Herceptin infusions.

But now that it's over, it feels like it was just a long, strange, bad dream.  

For more than a year cancer consumed my life. 

And now it doesn't...at all. 

From the day I found the lump to the day I got my port out, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about it or have to plan for my next appointment/treatment/surgery...whatever. 

It was all-consuming. 

I went from "knowing" the term breast cancer to having a working knowledge of the types of cancers, grades and stages. 

The learning curve was steep but necessary. 

I didn't just need to know that I had cancer, I needed to understand the treatment and the reasoning behind the procedures. I trusted my doctors but needed to verify what they were doing as well. 

The time between diagnosis and surgery felt like an eternity. 

In actuality it was approximately six weeks. 

Time felt like it was dragging. The nagging fear that the cancer would rear up and consume my entire body while I bounced from appointment to appointment was real and terrifying. 

In the blink of an eye life turned into a nightmare. 

Think about it, I had showered, dried off and was applying moisturizer when I found a lump. I immediately called the doctor and began a whirlwind of appointments. 

After the diagnosis life became a blur of tests, scans and consultations. 

Once they confirmed that it was cancer I was ready to have them cut my boobs off the next day. Hearing that there is something growing in your body that wants to kill you is terrifying. 

Not only did I want the cancer out of my body but I have a family, a life that was going on around me and a business to run. I needed to get treatment overwith so I could move on. 

But, cancer is really inconvenient. 

My focus went from family and business to diagnosis, testing and treatment and recovery. 

For 12 consecutive weeks, I underwent chemo and 48 hours later (once the steroids wore off) I would spend a couple of days in bed. After that I would be good for a few days and then we'd repeat the process. 

Lather, rinse, repeat. 

There is a lot that went on around me as I endured treatment after treatment. Most of which I don't remember because the chemo disrupted my brain. But, I do know that so many people jumped in to lend a hand. 

I will be grateful to those people forever. 

Cancer treatment is hard. It's exhausting and sickeness inducing but, if caught early enough, can also be life-saving. 

Early intervention is key. 

If you are reading this thinking, "I really need to schedule that mammogram." Stop what you are doing and make the appointment. 

There is no excuse that will justify jeopardizing your life. 

Thankful, Grateful, Blessed

Thanksgiving 2021 was a wonderful, low key afternoon filled with family, laughter and delicious food. 

 

Because I was going to be having surgery again, I decided that we would use paper and plastic for Thanksgiving dinner. I'd never done this before. I love to set the table with my china and silver but I didn’t want the extra burden of cleaning up. 

 

Guess what? 

 

The food tasted just as good as it would have if I'd served it on china! 

 

Clean up was easy and stress free! We would have used disposable cups but I could only find Red Solo Cups and well, I drew the line on that.

Thankful, Grateful and Blessed are just some of the words that came to mind as I sat on the sofa Thanksgiving night with a fully belly and a face that hurt from smiling so much. 

 

I’ve been through some rough spots in my life but this past year has taught me more about love, gratitude and blessings than any other! 

 

Being diagnosed with breast cancer and going through chemo taught me the importance of attitude, humor and a support system. 

 

Being diagnosed with breast cancer also helped me see what really matters. 

I've always been the type of girl who doesn't beat around the bush. If you want warm and fuzzy, I'm probably not the girl you want to hang out with. 

 

Don't get me wrong, I can be kind and loving and offer a shoulder to cry on but I will most likely find a way to make you laugh. 

 

I really prefer to laugh. 

 

The last quarter of the year has been trying beyond description. 

Between the medical bills and the car situation it's a wonder that I haven't pulled out what little hair I have! 

The week before Thanksgiving week I spent seven hours on the phone dealing with the medical crap plus another three dealing with the vehicle situation. 

I had no idea that I had a spare 10 hours in the week. 

Who knew?! 

I have also cried more dealing with the car than I did through my whole cancer diagnosis and treatment. 

When I am frustrated beyond words I cry then shut down from depression as the walls close in. They closed in hard and fast and I was despondent. 

Well, until I hit that stupid deer. 

Anyway...

After receiving the quote from the dealership that was astronomically high, I called some independent transmission shops and got quotes. The best was with a guy who has rebuilt 15 of the same transmissions this year. His price was $3,800 worst case scenario including parts. This was nearly $2K less than the dealership quoted us. Even if the Ford corporation paid for parts, our out of pocket expense was going to be more than the whole fix with an independent. 

I called the dealership to tell them that the vehicle was going to be towed out and see if we owed them anything. 

In true dealership fashion, I was told that they service manager had to speak to his boss, but he wanted to see if he could match the price. 

He called me the next morning and, after confirming the independent shop was going to use Ford parts, asked if they could do the job if they matched the price. I told them yes, as long as they would guarantee that it wouldn't cost more than $3,800. 

They said yes. 

I'd won...sort of. 

I freaking hate this BS. 

I've had a LOT of jobs in my lifetime. Not the least of which was working in the service department in dealerships. 

I know the game. I play the game well. I hate the game. 

And, I despise feeling as if I was being screwed. 

We were definitely getting screwed. 

I hate having to do it but am grateful for the experience that gives me the know-how to get it done. 

The car is repaired, Ford Motor company paid for part of the repairs and the rest cost us less than $2K out of pocket. 

On the medical expense side of things, I have applied for grants and copay assistance programs. I'm happy to report that $75 of each chemo/infusion double billing is being paid for by the makers of the Kanjinti (generic Herceptin) that I've been receiving. This cut my bill to Penn Medicine by almost half! 

I am still sorting through bills but things don't feel as horrible as they did couple of months ago. 

Hubby and I got each other Covid for Christmas. 

Christmas and New Year's were spent sleeping. In fact, most of the past three weeks have been spent sleeping, when we weren’t coughing. 

 

The cough has been terrible. I couldn’t talk for days. Just the thought of speaking would incite a 10-minute coughing fit that would leave me wiped out. 

Slowly but surely, we’re getting better but it’s taking a lot of time. 

When Covid hit and the world shut down we thought 2020 was the worst year ever. 2021 was like, "Hold my beer!"

This past year has sucked, but you know what? 

I am alive, we’re getting healthy, I never have to wear a bra again and I didn't have to shave for a whole freaking summer!

I am thankful for early intervention and amazing medical professionals. Grateful to friends and family who helped us and blessed by God with a positive attitude, sense of humor and a strength that helped me get through the mess that was 2021! 

I can do all this through him who gives me strength. ~ Phillipians 4:13

 

 

Boob Fat & Incompetence

When I had the mastectomy this summer there was boob fat left behind and my scars had become wrinkly. 

The boob fat was the worst of it. 

I don't mind being flat. Really, I truly don't care, but I was very self-conscious of the way my chest looked with those odd horizontal bumps. 

So, last week I had surgery scheduled to remove the last of the boob fat and smooth out the scars. 

The incisions on my chest don't hurt at all. I lost those nerves when they cut off the boobs but the plastic surgeon had to make incisions below my armpits to tighten the area and those do hurt!

It's nothing some Acetaminophen can't handle, but it is annoying. 

Prepping for the surgery was well, interesting. It was the usual nothing to eat aftermidnight but, I had to have a pre-surgery covid test. 

I booked an appointment online with CVS. 

Monday afternoon I arrived at the CVS drive thru window where they had a sign that said, "If you are here for a Covid test, please wear a mask." 

Oh good, so if I was there for, oh I don't know...a script for smallpox I didn't need a mask. Whew! 

Anyway...

I didn't have a mask with me because I never planned to leave the car. Per the instructions on my appointment confirmation I rolled up to the window with my ID and Health Insurance Card out. The girl at the window, who was still wearing the same dirty gloves that she'd been touching money with asked if I was there for a test. I replied yes, she freaked out screamed, "DO YOU HAVE A MASK?!" I explained that I did not and that I was only there because I was having surgery. She paused half a beat and asked if she could give me a mask. All while using her dirty gloves to reposition her own mask. 

I replied yes and she headed across the pharmacy to fine one. By the time she returned she'd touched her mask, with the same gross gloves, no less than six times. Using the same disgusting gloves she handed me a mask, which I put on but left at my chin (she never noticed) while I listened to her directions on how to stuff a q-tip up my nose. 

I completed the test, packed it in the bag she gave me and put it in the box that everyone else had touched. 

Yeah, that part made my skin crawl. You can bet I was using the hand sanitizer before rolling away. 

The next day I received a text from CVS saying they couldn't complete my test and gave me an 800# to call. 

I called and the woman who answered the call told me the same thing the text said followed by, you'll have to make a new appointment. 

When I asked why the test couldn't be done she replied, "I don't know."

Wait, what? 

"I got a text that said the test couldn't be completed and to call this number. If you can't tell me why and I need to go online to make another appointment, what the hell was the point of the text? Why did it say to call you? What EXACTLY was the point of this phone call?!" 

She took so long to reply that I thought she'd hung up. 

She checked my chart and there were no notes. 

I thanked her form wasting my time and hung up.

Later that night I got a voicemail from CVS stating that there had been a labeling issue. Ok, someone in the lab screwed up. I make mistakes too. I get it. At least now I had a reason. 

The following day I got a call from the Hospital saying that I needed to come in for a pre-surgery Covid test. (They'd previously told me that I had to take care of it myself, hence the CVS appointment.) So, I booked the appointment for the following morning. 

Wednesday morning I hopped in the 22 year old chevy that I'm still driving because the four year old Ford still is not running and drove to the hospital for yet another q-tip up the nose. 

On the way home CVS called again to tell me that there was not enough sample on the swab to test for covid and that I needed to make a new appointment. 

Oh for heaven's sake?! 

Does anyone know what they are doing? 

I swear if I was giving out medals for incompetence, between a pharmacy technician who has zero knowledge of cross-contamination and people who evidently don't know the difference between a label and a q-tip, CVS would win! 

By the way, I was negative and surgery went really well. 

You Can't Make This Up

While I would be bored to death in a life that was the same day after day, life has been so much more stressful the past two months than I could ever have imagined. 

The roller coaster of life has been relentless.

Don’t get me wrong, this adrenaline junkie does love a good coaster but this one has been hell.


It feels like we’re stuck in an endless loop-de-loop and the damn thing wont stop!

Eleven days before double mastectomy surgery, after enduring countless tests and an additional bone cancer scare, the central AC in the house died. I have been paying a company called American Home Shield for a home warranty since we bought the house in 2011 specifically to protect us when the HVAC died.

I filed a claim and American Home Shield sent some half-assed contractor who was super nice when he thought we were going to upgrade both the AC and Furnace with him (they were 21 years old...it was time) but when I tried to get him to get partial compensation through the warranty company, he ghosted us.

In fact, he ghosted American Home Shield…but they don’t care.

I did some research and discovered that is his normal MO. He has a one-star rating with BBB and that star is because you can't give zero.

I called American Home Shield every day trying to get this rectified because I was facing a double mastectomy and returning home to a house with no AC. And, both the contractor and American Home Shield knew about my impending surgery!

American Home Shield informed me that they would pay to replace the compressor but that the freon was going to cost $1,400. We had a lengthy discussion about the fact that the system was 21 years old and once they replaced the compressor something else would fail that’s what happens with old equipment! Never mind the fact that I didn't want to pay $1,400 for freon. If we were going to pay that much money it was going toward a new system.

American Home Shield called Tom at Climate Control Heating & Air, LLC multiple times and left messages asking him to call. He didn't.

After a full week of daily calls to both American Home Shield and Climate Control Heating & Air LLC I was informed that the contractor had ordered the compressor without ever speaking to us.

WTF?!

I lost my shit!!!

We never authorized the repair and that guy never bothered to speak to us.

I did get one email from him yelling at me in all CAPS that said if he changed his recommendation, they’d send someone for a second opinion. I told him I didn’t care.

He disappeared again.

In the meantime, we had contacted a friend of a friend who is starting his own HVAC business. James gave us an amazing deal on a both a central AC and new furnace.

Damn good thing too.

Evidently the heat exchange was full of cracks. Had we fired it up this fall the whole family may have died.

I had surgery on May 17.

While I was in the hospital hubby went to Home Depot and bought a window air conditioner so I could come home and recuperate in comfort.

Think about this… in addition to the thousands of dollars that I have wasted with American Home Shield we are now out $8,400 for a new HVAC system plus the cost of a window air conditioner.

American Home Shield, after being shamed on Facebook, has paid us $797 that was supposed to cover the Compressor and labor - don't forget that we were going to have to pay $1400 for freon - so that measly $797 was truly a drop in the pond.

Unbelievably, the Friday after surgery, Tom from Climate Control Heating & Air LLC called. My only comment was that I didn't want to speak to him, and I hung up.

I could have let loose on the jerk, but what would be the point? It's not like he gave a crap to begin with!

James arrived the next morning and got the new system installed. By dinner time that night we were back in whole house comfort! We are so grateful to him for rearranging his schedule to help us.

There are reputable home warranty companies out there. American Home Shield is not one of them. If you are thinking about a home warranty do your research so you don’t waste your money like we did.

If you need a new HVAC system, let me know…I gotta guy! 

Pacifically

As I mentioned in my last post, there was a "spot" on my spine that showed up on my bone scan. 

That set off a chain reaction that left me in bed all day on Saturday bawling my eyes out. 

It was bound to happen eventually and I did feel a little better afterwards. We really do need a good cry from time to time. 

A friend calls these Cancer Sucks days. 

So let me back track a bit here...

Got the bone scan results that said there was something there but felt that it was most likely degeneration. Then I had the breast MRI that showed the tumor being significantly larger than what they saw in the mammogram...I'll get to that shortly. 

My surgeon wanted to make sure that the spine thing wasn't a huge issue so she ordered an MRI. The insurance company declined to authorize it because I hadn't had an x-ray, because paying for an unnecessary x-ray makes sense, so I had an x-ray and that showed something there too. 

That was on Friday...then I waited again. 

The weight of what might be in my spine hit me on Saturday while I was out delivering cakes and I had a total meltdown. I got someone to cover my shift at the store, went home, crawled under the covers and stayed there crying and napping all day. 

Part of my pity party was because I hate pity parties!! The other was because I am competely powerless and felt like I was taking two steps back for every step forward. It's a roller coaster I wouldn't wish on anyone.

My prayers were frantic. I couldn't put a cohesive thought together and just kept saying, "God's got this." Honestly, I really do believe that but I got into my head and started the "what if I have bone cancer" game. Fortunately, the Lord knows my heart and even when I am depressed, angry or frustrated he really is holding me up. 

But, it doesn't mean I can't be pissed off or that I don't need a good cry! 

I managed to pull myself together in time to eat dinner then went back to bed. 

Monday rolled around and I met with the genetic counselor. It probably wasn't a waste of time, but it felt like it was. I had my mom's genetic report with me and after the counselor looked at it she said, "Your mom was negative for all seven of the genes that she was tested for. You most likely won't have the BRCA gene which is fantastic." I replied, "Well, considering that I have breast cancer it doesn't really matter now does it?" 😳

The appointment consisted of me telling the counselor my family history while she drew a flow chart. We have an $80 copay for specialists. So, I paid $80 for someone to write down my horrible family cancer history. I am a candidate for genetic testing but it's more money and well...it's more money. 

The worst part of the appointment was that no one bothered to tell me that I was going to be meeting with this counselor in an infusion center. The waiting room was filled with a plethora of other cancer patients in various stages of treatment. To get into the counselor's office I had to walk through the actual infusion area which I was definitely not ready for. I know, I know, I'll be there eventually and at that time I'll know I'm walking into an infusion center. It really was traumatic.  

That afternoon the radiologist's report came in confirming what the more advanced bone scan had already found. Although both radiologists felt it was degenerative, because of my breast cancer, they recommended an MRI with and without contrast. 

My nurse navigator got me right into Jennersville for an MRI on Tuesday afternoon. By this point I've had blood drawn, a nuclear injection for the bone scan and the injection for the contrast for the breast MRI all in my right arm. I had the nurse give me the injection for the contrast in my left arm and well, now I look like a junkie. 

Hot! 

Both the radiologist at Jennersville and the radiologist at Penn Medicine have read the MRI and confirmed that there is no cancer on my spine...it's arthritis. Yay for getting older. 

I met with my surgeon yesterday morning and surgery is confirmed for Monday, May 17. I won't know the time until the Friday before. 

She will be performing a double mastectomy with sentinel node biopsy. I have requested that she do an aesthetic flat closure that leaves no spare skin as I will not be having reconstruction. Surgery is expected to last approximately four hours depending on the sentinel node biopsies. If it comes back clear we are good to go. If not she'll have to take more. 

Now let's back up to the breast MRI...

The tumor was larger for a couple of reasons: 1. They can see it 3D in the breast MRI where the Mammogram is flat, because...that's how they make your boobs. 2. I have both invasive and non-invasive cancers in my right breast. Until they breach the duct walls and invade the breast tissue they are contained which means they are currently non-invasive. Non-invasive is considered Stage 0. 

All together the tumor is 6 cm but only 2 cm are invasive so I don't need chemo before surgery. If the invasive stuff was 4 cm or more, I'd do chemo first to shrink it and then have the surgery. 

In my last post I mentioned HER2. HER2-positive breast cancer is a breast cancer that tests positive for a protein called human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2). This protein promotes the growth of cancer cells. In about 1 of every 5 breast cancers, the cancer cells have extra copies of the gene that makes the HER2 protein.

Evidently, I'm the one out of five. 

Winner! 

Ugh! 

Now that we know I am HER2 positive my chemo plan will be a little more aggresive and I will be given Herceptin via infusion for a year. HER2 inhibitors work against HER2-positive breast cancers by blocking the ability of the cancer cells to receive chemical signals that tell the cells to grow.

Of course the actual chemo plan won't be confirmed until after surgery and the pathology comes back. 

In the meantime, I started taking Reishi mushrooms. A friend also gave me a book called Medicinal Mushrooms. It is an easy read and fascinating! Reishi mushrooms are really bitter but the good news is that I can put the tincture in my coffee and can't taste it! 

Clinical studies with Reishi have found that patients have a better response to chemo while using it and if stay with it my immune system will be stronger too. I bought dried ones and decocted them. In order to decoct them I had to boil them for an hour then strain off the water and squeeze out the mushroom. They never got soft but I did get lost of "juice" that I was able to use this week. I have run out of the juice so I'll be going to The Woodlands at Phillips Mushrooms Farms to buy some other mushrooms until the ones I ordered arrive. They sell the book there too if you are interested. 

And, if all this wasn't already enough to digest, our central AC decided to quit this week! I mean when you have a family medical deductible of $9,000 (thanks for that Obama) what's another $5,000 right? 

Yup! So we are weighing our options and will most likely replace both the AC and furnace. Both are more than 20 years old and it would be at least $1800 just for the freon because they use new stuff now. If we have to do one we might as well bite the proverbial bullet and do them both. But seriously...Now? 

Managing stress has been crazy hard this week. Thankfully God blessed me with two of the most amazing hysterical children in the world. They keep me on my toes and make me laugh. Today we were driving David to gymnastics and I challenged them to say Irish Wrist Watch five times fast. The result had me laughing so hard I had tears streaming down my cheeks. 

Daniel then said, "I want Kieran to try this." David asked, "Why pacifically Kieran?" Daniel yelled, "PACIFIC IS AN OCEAN."

I came really close to shooting coffee out my nose! 

BTW it was only last week that Daniel was also saying "pacifically." 

Thanks for the laughs guys...I really needed them this week! 

Patience...

...is a virtue I lack. 

Everything involved with this process involves waiting and it is beyond stressful. 

Have a test? 

Wait for the result. 

Have a question? 

Wait for the reply. 

Follow up with the doctor? 

Wait for that appointment. 

Want to schedule surgery? 

You'll have to wait a few weeks to get on the roster. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAH! 

I do have a surgery date though. 

May 17, 2021 will be the day I go in for the double mastectomy.

Yes, I have to wait another 18 days for that too! 

But...

No more bras!!!! 

I decided that I am definitely not interested in having the reconstruction done as the statistics for additional surgeries/failure are really high. Instead, I have a beloved friend who has agreed to design a chest tattoo for me. 

I am so excited and can't wait to see what she creates!!! 

In the meantime, we are still waiting for the Her2 pathology. 

What is HER2?

The human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2) gene is responsible for producing HER2 proteins. HER2 proteins are present on the surface of some breast cancer cells. When they’re activated, they signal breast cancer cells to divide and multiply. 

Normally, HER2 proteins regulate and control the growth of breast cells. But when the HER2 gene is mutated, which is the case in about 1 in every 5 cases of breast cancer, it makes too many HER2 proteins. This results in breast cells growing and dividing out of control.

So you can see why this is important pathology! 

I had a bone scan that showed a weird thing with my spine that the radiologist says is most likely degeneration but it also is in the area where I had a spinal fusion in 1990. I will have to have a CT scan to double check and rule out anything else. 

Next week I meet with a genetic counselor but I'm not entirely sure why and I will also see my surgeon again to go over the tests and discuss surgery. Hopefully, we'll have the Her2 back. 

With the surgery date set, I have begun to prep. 

My employees (greatest people on the face of the earth BTW) are  ready to jump in and do whatever is necessary. My business partner has been training extra people to cover shifts in our store and I have added a ton of people to the pick-up list at the kids’ school. 

After surgery it will be a minimum of two weeks before I can really do anything so another friend and pink ribbon sister has set up a Take Them A Meal link for people to help out. This is the link if you would like to sign up. https://takethemameal.com/FYPS6898  

Countless numbers of people have offered assistance for things from folding our laundry (you are saints) to transporting the boys to their activities. Even my hubby’s employer told him to take whatever time he needs. 

No matter what, this is a crappy situation but the outpouring of love and support has blessed us with peace of mind and we couldn’t ask for more!  

Until next time ladies...

Withdrawal from the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk

Since my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and has undergone surgery, chemo and radiation my breast cancer awareness has been heightened.

I, like most people, wasn't overly worried about the breast cancer issue until it hit a loved one. So, when a friend contacted me to say that she would be walking again this year and wanted me to join her I decided that I would.

I emailed my friends and requested donations, began taking frequent walks and even got the treadmill hooked up in the basement to train for the walk. 

I have the best friends in the world! Almost overnight I raised close to $1000 and within a couple of weeks was up to 4.5 miles on a daily trek.

To be honest, I did know that SGK donated to Planned Parenthood but I've had many friends who have used PP, not for abortions but for general gynecological services. For this reason and because of my desire to do something to help with breast cancer research I was willing to move past my concerns and do The Walk.


Then the Planned Parenthood videos came out.

I began thinking about The Walk and where the money would go and I knew that I would have to withdraw.


As a woman who has struggled with fertility I cannot fathom the idea of killing a child because it was perceived as a mistake. There is a lot of crap out there about a woman's "right" to kill her child, also referred to as "a woman's choice." How about making the choice to not have sex or to use birth control rather than having an abortion as a form of birth control? A little responsibility up front would be nice to see, but I digress.

Abortion is by no means a black and white issue. While I believe that killing a child is wrong, I do understand that in cases of rape, incest and a true medical threat to a mother there may be few alternatives. My heart goes out to those ladies as it can't be an easy decision. However, to use abortion as a means of birth control is wrong and for an organization to profit from the sale of the aborted babies makes me want to puke.

Since being outed Planned Parenthood has been less than contrite. Their way of dealing with it was to take The Center For Medical Progress to court to block the release of additional videos, not to apologize for committing an illegal act.

It's bad enough that they are considered to be an abortion factory, with 149 abortions being performed to every 21 adoption referrals (see Lies, Corruption and Scandal), but to be a willing participant in the trafficking of aborted baby parts is abhorrent.

Since there are "8,735 licensed mammography facilities in America and Planned Parenthood operates exactly zero," (The Federalist) I see no need for Susan G. Komen to provide Planned Parenthood with one penny never mind millions of dollars.

For the Susan G. Komen Foundation to know about Planned Parenthood's illegal organ trafficking and not sever ties makes them as guilty as a man who watches a rape and does nothing to stop the rapists.

For me to participate in an event that will raise money to eventually end up in the hands of people who kill babies and then sell their body parts for profit goes against almost everything I believe in.

For that reason I have withdrawn my registration, contacted all of my donors to let them know what I have done and why, and have sent them the contact information of the person responsible for refunding their money should they wish to do so.

I have no doubt that I will sleep much better tonight. 

His Passion

Four years ago this morning I kissed my father goodbye for the last time.

He had been diagnosed with bladder cancer in September and took his final breath on December 3, 2010.

The world has not been the same since.

We all know that our parents are supposed to die before us. In fact, anytime someone loses a child the saying is, "You're not supposed to bury your children." It's a natural order of things to let the parents go first.

That being said, it doesn't make the loss any easier.

Dad was one of the healthiest guys I've ever known. He quit smoking in the '70s, rarely drank to excess, ate well and was not the least bit overweight. What he did suffer from was a genetic predisposition to cancer. Men in our family all get prostate cancer. Dad did but beat it with radioactive seeding. According to the oncologist, it probably wasn't even necessary but dad said that he didn't like living each day with the knowledge that he had cancer in him.

In the end it didn't matter.

Some people just draw a short straw the day they were conceived.  You can't argue with DNA.

After his biopsy confirmed the bladder cancer in September. He was scheduled for surgery in October to have his bladder removed and was trained on how to empty the "bag" that he would be wearing for the rest of his life.

Surgery came and went...the doctor opened him and closed him back up.

In the couple of weeks from the biopsy to surgery, the cancer had grown at lightning speed, breeching the bladder walls and taking over the lower part of his abdomen. There was nothing more that could be done.

He opted for palliative radiation in hopes that it would buy him a little more time but even that wouldn't do much to extend his life or the quality of what he had left.

The family and our friends rallied. We did everything we could to make what time he had left as good as it could be. From coordinating volunteer drivers to radiation and taking dad for his last sail.

Dad, who was a Quaker, turned to his friends and our pastor for spiritual guidance. His belief in God was deep but something he didn't force on others. Over the years we'd had some great conversations about God and spirituality and prior to passing he confided in me that he was concerned about the afterlife as he, "hadn't always been nice to people."

That was the most amazing thing about him.

Even as he lay in bed slowly surrendering to the cancer, his concern was not just about himself but about anyone he might have wronged.

I told him that I highly doubted that if God was willing to forgive those who had done something as heinous as murder, that He would be more than willing to forgive a man who would have yelled at someone because his passion ran high!

Dad was a passionate guy.

If he really believed in something you'd be best to just get out of his way or better yet give him a hand because he's going to draft you to help him anyway. He was instrumental in rescuing a yacht club from near bankruptcy. By the time he stepped down as Commodore the club was in the black, had expanded to put in an in-ground pool, started a sailing school and was holding regular regattas. Mom worked at his side and the club became the family annex. If you came to visit you could pretty much count on working.

Dad's passion easily translated to enthusiasm and you couldn't help but get involved. If you didn't believe in what he was doing he'd be the first to point out that you were wrong and he was known for having a temper and voice to go with it.

One of our friends loved the fact that he could get into a very spirited debate with my dad and when it was over, belly up to the bar and have a beer together. He was not a grudge holder.

He had a great sense of humor but a horrible memory. I could tell him the same joke every year and he'd laugh as if it were the first time he'd heard it.

I loved his laugh.

While he could be a really serious guy at times, he didn't take himself seriously.

Over the years we'd teased him about looking like Inspector Clouseau from the Pink Panther movies and referring to him as Chuckles. One Thanksgiving his sisters teased about attempting a comb-over because he hadn't had time to get his hair cut before the holidays.

He took all of it in stride and would even laugh with us (but did get his hair cut the next day.)

I think that's the thing I miss most...his laugh.

While my boys can look at his picture and know who he is, they will never know his laugh. He would have loved to play with them and I would have loved to have heard him laugh at their antics.

There is not a day that goes by that I do not miss him and I'm not alone. His impact on those around him was astounding! Which is both a blessing and a curse.

While we were all enriched by his presence but we all suffered when he passed. Fortunately, we were left with lots of great memories and stories to share.

While he is no longer here to laugh with us, I take solace in the fact that to this day I can still hear his laughter which makes me smile and warms my heart.